Approach to having kids - breakup
Hi, I'm seeking advice for my situation, I've just broken up with my partner 2 weeks ago. We both love each other and would love to be together, but we have a different approach to having kids. My partner is 100% sure to have at least one, I had no need for children and couldn't commit to this idea, mostly because of how I feel around kids and how taking care of them drains my energy.
Recently I've got an awareness and self-actualization on why I feel this energy drain, and that it happens in more life situations. I started therapy on this topic and I feel hopeful about the results. I was never 100% sure I don't want kids, I just couldn't commit because of this main reason that I thought I will be miserable with this pressure and stress, but now I see this can be worked on. I still don't know what the final result will be then and to what conclusion I will come regarding wanting or not wanting kids. I know it's may be simplification, I know kids require a lot of effort, stress, and energy draining as well, I'm just sharing my reason where I felt the strong drain even when there were not much effort needed, just a bit of attention.
So now I feel like I don't know what to do. I miss my partner veeery much, as said we really care and love each other. I still cry a few times a day, feeling lonely. I would like to get back together and say that I want kids, but I'm not 100% sure, I just feel like the biggest burden that I felt around this topic can be lifted. I'm scared that it would be too early, I'm scared to I'd do it in this strong emotions and that may be no the best decision. I'm sure that I don't want to mislead anyone, I don't want to say OK and then say that I change my mind. When I decide, I want to be sure that it is a full commitment without turning back. But I'm also scared that if I wait, then my partner will find someone else. Maybe not now, but if months pass then there's a chance for that. Of course, I don't know how I will feel in a few months, but I don't think I want to risk it. I don't know how long I should wait. I don't know what to do ;/
@loyalCurrent1374
Having kids is a big commitment and stress just like you said. I do not think many of us were 100% sure of having kids. if people waited to be 100% sure maybe the species would die off.
I can see you love your partner and was this discussion an absolute deal breaker for them? i will tell you being around other peoples kids is not the same as your own. You have sought help and see you can work on some of your concerns but you both should be honest and not feel like you must be all in right now in order to stop them from moving on....
@loyalCurrent1374
Hello and welcome to 7 Cups 😊
I believe toughTiger6481 has already put some light on the subject.
On one hand raising kids, I think, is neither another project at work, nor additional daily chores (actually it is, but I believe that is a different story 😉). They are blood from your blood, body from your body. They are not YOU, but after they are born you can feel them as if they were a new part of you.
Maybe that is also wrong to treat your energy levels as limited resources. When I first became a father I saw ruthlessly how much time and energy I was wasting before, by laziness or doing useless, unnecessary things.
On the other hand, as long as you suffer from depression (if i understand clearly), it could be not good if you passed on the depressive moods to your new born child. I know what I mean, because when my mother was pregnant, I was intoxicated with her depression, sadness and feeling insecure. It caused me trouble, especially at young age, and made me prone to depressive moods for my entire life.
But you said you have started a therapy, so let's hope it all will be better quite soon 😊
I think no sane people make 101 % promises, because changing our minds is very human, and we are completely unable to predict how we change in 5 or 10 years. But most people while declaring something, declare that they will do their best to keep their promise.
To be honest, long, long time ago my 8-years-long marriage was lost because of the difference in our attitude to children. My wife was 30, freightened she was going too old, and pushing very hard to have children, at least 3 or 5 of them, ASAP! I was the younger one and agreed to have 2 or maybe 3 children, but not yet at the moment.
Now, when I remember this time, I think that there was a way to save this marriage, if only we found some middle ground. If my wife reduced her expectations and waited for me, and if I was more patient and not signing out from the relationship so quickly...
How would you feel about finding the middle ground for the expectations and needs of you and your partner?
Have you tried to have some frank and understanding conversation about that, before you decided to split?
You said your partner loves you, so we I guess might assume he does not just want to have children, but he does want to have children WITH YOU. Then I believe he could be open to wait for you, if your answer to having children was anything other than definite "NO" or "I don't know".
What do you think about it? 😊
Thank you. Just to clarify some things, I don't have a depression, I just had a realization about some limiting pattern that is affecting my approach to certain things because of how I interpret them, how I experience them because of some limiting automatic response to some situations. That's what I'm working on at the started therapy. Previously I was on therapy for a few years that helped me to deal with some traumas too. But as I'm into self-development and psychology for many years now, I feel my awareness is on a good level and as soon as I realized there is a thing that I haven't noticed (or treated as "normal", being unaware of it or just not questioning it) I thought it'll be quicker to go through it with someone helping from the outside. Just for efficiency of the process.
Regarding middle ground - we discussed many things, but the more I thought of kids I felt like it's simply not a good decision to make, that there's too much chance that I will be miserable and that it will affect everyone involved. We were very understanding to both sides and saw that we're seeing a different future and want different things. Most of the things can have some middle-ground to make both of us happy, but there was no middle ground with kids :(
There was waiting, waiting for about 2 years because I wasn't sure, and I ended up being closer not to have kids, but I was never 100% sure, that just felt like a wise decision to say no looking at the potential consequences. But that was mostly based on the feeling around kids that is based on the automatic response mentioned above, because I tried to "force" myself to feel different, but I couldn't. The answer to the question "why I feel this way" arose quite late and the dots connected a week before the breakup, but it's still a material that needs to be worked on, because besides that I don't know what I want, I don't have a plan for life, no purpose, I don't have a vision or any images in my head to visualize my future life. It may sound depressing but I accept this and I'm not desperate to find it, I'm okay with that. But because of that I was also scared that children, if I decide to have them, will become my purpose, but then after 20years they leave and I will end up with no purpose again, but older and then depressed of the lost purpose or something :D But in the end I feel like having kids may be a good thing now, I'm no longer scared and I trust that I can work on my perspective.
Either way, I'm not sure how long should I wait with the decision, how much time should I give myself to see how I feel alone and what I find during therapy. I know it's too soon now, but it'd be helpful to have some kind of a goal like a month or two or I don't know. Because I love and miss my partner
@loyalCurrent1374
I am sorry, but don't you think you might be over-controlling and over organising things a little bit?
I think it is about life, people, emotions, today. And it all sounds as calculated as stockholders' meeting or planning a space expedition to Mars. I've got cold shivers reading that 😢
@jacek73
Hmm, I kinda know I'm very analytical and probably overthinking this. Can you share what exactly made you feel this way about my message or which thoughts sound so calculated? :)
@loyalCurrent1374
Yes. Unfortunately I can 😊
For example, you mentioned "automatic response to situation" at least twice - which sounded almost robotic 😊
"Just for efficiency of the process" - I met quite a few therapists, but no one seemed to think about their job in terms of "efficiency", rather in terms of the client feeling happier and living more passionate and fulfilling life.
"I ended up being closer not to have kids, but I was never 100% sure, that just felt like a wise decision to say no looking at the potential consequences." - I believe the 100% certainty is an abstract idea, met usually only in the theory books, not in real life. A Polish Nobel Prize laureate on poetry wrote something like "we were born without training and we'll die without routine"... There can be World War III tomorrow, the end of the world or a death of somebody very important to you (I call it "a private small end of the world"). I believe we can NEVER be 100% sure we marry the right person or we are ready to become parents (and in 21st Century still the vast majority of kids are born unplanned 😉).
"I don't have a plan for life, no purpose, I don't have a vision or any images in my head to visualize my future life." - Sorry, but this sounds to me as if your life was to be like a job, requiring lots of paperwork (agreements, projects, permissions) to even start the whole thing 😊
I think it is life. To feel safer we do our best to find some order and orientation points in this chaos. But I believe from its nature it cannot be too much organized... Like: I meet my biggest love at 22, marry at 24, have kids at 27 and 30. Do you think such pre-planning of someone's life is possible?
That makes me scared 😊 I guess I did a lot about my therapy to not think like that. And a relationship overthinking put one of my friends, who met a fine woman, and she really liked him (yes, I know you are not him, I am just talking about my experience) to a state where at 50+ he is lonely, unhappy and on antidepressants...
@jacek73 thank you for your input. I don't think we are on the same page. I don't see what's robotic about being aware of my patterns that I would like to change ;)
Regarding efficiency, you're right that maybe that's an unfortunate word. I meant that I don't want to deal with things alone because it will take longer. Kinda like with broken leg, sure you can wait till it heals itself or you can do your training, but most likely visiting physiotherapist and exercising with them will give better results, because you don't have to reinvent the wheel.
I'm not thinking about 100% certainty, but being certain enough, so basically to believe it will be fine :) (which is a different thing I know, just the way I think about it, maybe it's too chaotic, but it's not meant to all be literal)
Also not sure what life purpose has to do with paperwork or job. Purpose is some sort of mission, a motivation why you want to get out of bed in the morning. I'm lacking that, this energy. It's not about being a robot that has a job to "live", so I'm not sure what I've written that gave such perception
Well, at the end, I don't feel like I match your idea, but looks like what I wrote left such impression. I value your input and thank you for sharing, I know I may be overthinking this a lot and trying to remain sane, kinda trying to somehow make sense of my thoughts and my emotions that vary a lot ;/
@loyalCurrent1374
Thank you for your message. Yes, I think either we might be not on the same page, or... we think in a similar way, but use different words for that.
Just yesterday or today I've been thinking that maybe my words to you might have sounded too unsupportive and critical. I am sorry for that.
Yes. I agree that would be no good in trying to "reinvent the wheel" 😊, but use the existing means and possibilities instead.
I keep my fingers crossed for you making decisions that will be right for you 👍