Back to work...
Well, atleast im back to work. Its an oilfield job, its not the best job for sure and it really sucks sometimes but hey...i suppose its a job, lots of loooong hours, lots of BS, lots of on call, lots of rush to get to the location. Its really kinda a lame job, driving semi trucks. It does provide my wife and i plenty of time to be separated so we can be away from eachother while all this crap is happening...i guess it takes my mind off the situation for brief periods of time. I told her today, that because im going to be gone so much, and her online "boyfriend" (unhappily married) is on a trip to some island with his wife, and his friend (so her contact with him is limited to a degree) that she needs to use this opportunity to figure out what SHE wants, how SHE wants things to be moving forward on either or both sides...how SHE wants her life to be moving forward and i alomost said...who SHE wants to "be with" or commit herself to...i refrained from saying that last part but i text her on my way out to the field. I told her that i had thought of a question, and that i was t going to ask it because it is not time yet for that question, i also told her in the text message that i may not ever have to even ask the question but that i thought that it was imortant for her to know that it existed. I dont know man, im getting sick of this BS...im lonely, i feel worthless as a husband, as a father even though my 9 year old absolutely admires me most of the time (when im not picking on him) lol...but damn i feel unloved, almost unworthy of her love now. I realize that somehow, my absence emotionally and negligence broke her heart over time but...whos heart is broken now? I dont even know if mine can be fixed...its shattered, obliterated, and im becoming more emotionless every day towards her and everyone else around me...what is this?...am i living in some profound real life nightmare that i cant wake up from? Is this even real? I dont know anymore, i hope the complete Not caring part hits soon...is that acceptable? I dont know F it i guess.
I dont know... this sucks, i almost wish i never fell in love at this point because i still do love her so much...but its like its nothing to her anymore...she is like longing for this other guy, and i just get half-way niceties when i tell her how much i love her, how beautifuli still think she is...i get "thanks" when i say that or "thank you" i guess...i might get a kind of smile that feels almost meaningless...i dont know man...i feel like that "Bruce Almighty" scene where Jim carry is trying to force his wife to love him again but that pesky free will gets in the way...this is so ridiculous...mainly because i know, if i truely "fell in love" with someone outside of our marriage..id just end our marriage and go with the woman i was in love with...i would NEVER just carry on this crap right in front of her and force her to watch it while shes sitting there professing her love for me every day. I know for a fact, that if somehow i lost love for her, id just cut it off...work things out with the kids, all that stuff...but id never do what she is doing to me....to her...its kinda inhumane on some levels and not a thing id ever F around with...
....levels and definitely not something i would ever F around with...im so far past angry that major depression has set in...im hoping its only temporary but at this rate...as long as i stay where im at watching her madly in love with this internet personality (real man on the other end)...i feel like im going to go off the edge of a very high cliff (emotionally/metaphorically) and there will be no coming back from it...just completely destroyed, irreparable...love sucks man...when its good, its great, when its not, its sometimes gone and i just dont know what to do with that. I still truely love her deeply even with this situation...but am i just supposed to go on my way, do my own thing, let this whole "relationship" between the two of them flourish more, and just be the "best version of myself" that i can be, in HOPES that she falls back in love with me SOMEDAY and just act like everything is hunkydory, ignoring all my real feelings, thoughts, and opinions? I mean, in all honesty....
Im not just some jealous, possessive, paranoid dude that is obsessing over her talking/flirting with this other guy...i think its great that she is feeling wanted, desired, pretty, attractive, and all that stuff...i think its important for women to feel that way about themselves no matter who they are, what they look like, etc...the part of it that i cant deal with is the "LOVE" factor..i feel like, if she "loves" him so much that it gives her crazy anxiety when she cant talk to him er whatever...wheres the love left for me to rekindle? He seems to have it all...so what the F am i even doing trying to rebuild this train wreck? Am i a fool for continuing to love her at this point? Am i stupid? I dont know...probably on some levels i guess..i just see this in a way different perspective than her, and im so flipping broken now...im like, well...i guess this is .y life now....im so over this crap...part of me honestly cant wait to see it fall to pieces...part of me would feel bad for her in a sense...i guess...but man...im so ready to just leave sometimes now...the only thing really holding me back from letting that impulse overwhelm me is my 9 year old son...id miss him way too much.
Id miss him way too much.
@Ryan575
Maybe work can help get you to focus on other things... the anxious thing she has is because talk thru text or messages is a very fragile connection she has...with this person....so strained now it could break easily.
When she started talking the connection and feelings took time to build....... it will also take time to fade. It is not a you vs him thing anymore. it is a her thing.... She probably is confused as her fantasy is showing cracks on vacation with his wife ... even if they claim marriage is unhappy should have her thinking ... your marriage is breaking her world is exposed ... my guess is his wife does not even know. the fact that your wife has been found out he has pressure to strengthen his marriage to save in case it falls apart.
it must be exhausting to go thru all these emotions day by day and you want to get through this faster. this is a storm that will take time to clear.
Itvis exhausting, this "new" job...that ive done before is also exhausting...at this point ive been awake for more than 27 hours with probably a 15-20 min nap at about 3:30am this morning. I say "new" because i have done this oilfield trucking game before...i never wanted to go back but...here i am...not by choice but out of necessity. It sucks cause, i drive for hours alone...at night...no one to talk to (not that i really have anyone in RL to talk to anyways) but still...im alone in my thoughts and no matter if i have the music blasting...whatever...all i think about is her...and him...and how alone i feel because of it...i just cant seem to accept that my "Wife"...is no longer in love with me...in her own words....i still tell her that she is the love of my life, my light in the forest, the woman i always dreamed of being with, i always STILL tell her how beautiful she is, how amazing she is in every way, how i would STILL gladly give my life to save hers or anyones in my family for that matter, i STILL tell her that she is my everything, and that i will continue to love her with everything i have, even if she leaves me for this man...sometimes she shows positive signs of acknowledgement...but most of the time she just looks at me and nods. Fml, this is obscene...i cant fix it. And it mostly feels like right now, she doesnt even want me to. Sad right? F
And all the while, their "relationship" continues...i heard this song by an artist called "NF" last night...its called "Mistake"....almost totally how i feel and where my head is at....im like man, this guy must see inside my head.
@Ryan575
You are a great example of all that goes wrong and if you have seen here many in same spot with spouse chatting and having feelings for someone online..... i hope others who have read your story to see the damage. Really opened my eyes i do not know the way out either .....
I think many have trouble knowing what to do....... we cannot go back to before we chatted with a person... my reasons have never been fixed and will not be... how I have been treated by a friend had me question how I ever felt about spouse ... maybe part my fault I let spouse take me for granted and like all my wants or needs could wait .......so he skipped noticing me... listening to me etc..... we were busy with life and family.. i feel nothing for spouse now.... literally nothing.
I think you have a better chance as she said she loved you but did not think she was IN love... I think that can come back for you.
@Ryan575
I'm sorry that you are feeling so low!
You are not worthless!
Or uselss!
Yes, women need affection, and to feel loved, desired and wanted, and if they feel like they are not getting it in their own marriage, for whatever reason, then you communicate that and work on it, and make the effort and take accountability.
Not pursue it online with someone else.
I hope work at least gives you space to think!
💕💜
Thank you so much for your kind words, i do have to say though that she did try to communicate those things with me at points over practically our entire marriage, i just didnt see it, understand what she was needing at those times, and/or receive the messages she was projecting to me, due to me being consumed by the hustle and bustle of employment, lack of energy after hard days. I mean, im not an innocent bystander for sure, however...im the type of person that if i need or want something bad enough from another person, im likely to put it in their face until the see it. She just crawled into her mind and let it ferment until she gets hooked on this othe guy online...i just want her to be happy, and if she could just love ME just enough to want to hug, kiss, hold hands ffs...id be happy with that i guess...but itslike there is nothing there reserved for me THE HUSBAND at all anymore, and instead of prioritizing OUR marriage and OUR future, she just keeps staying turned outward to this man that "fixed her" and "understands her" and "gets her unlike anybody ever has in her entire life"....i have told her in the past since figuring out what was going on...that online stuff like that is easy to pull off, once you learn enough basics about a person...you can mold and adapt to every conversation easily...and paint yourself as an absolute soul mate to another person on the other side...if you want to that is...i think its wrong to do that, but she claims that "hes definitely not like that"...i dont know him, im not involved in it...so i cant with certainty say either way...all i know is that im really starting to question if the her and I dynamic is actually worth fighting for at this point...the only problems i have are if i stay...im miserable...if i decide to leave ill be in a place of regret AND miserable...i hate this situation.