Bare minimum
Okay so me and my partner have been together for coming up on two years. As everyone knows all relationships have their issues especially because we are both 20 so we are young and we lived 1 1/2 hours away for months now we live 45 mins away over the past couple of months he has not been in school and does not have a job and has been putting less and less effort and energy into our relationship and every time I bring it up it turns into an argument. On our anniversary he had his friends come over his house and they all hung out while I just sat there and watched. He didn’t even say happy anniversary then again neither did I because I was waiting for him so that’s on me as well but recently we have been fighting so much and that’s simply because he never reaches out I’ve told him I feel like I’m always the one to initiate hanging out or even a “conversation” it’s getting so stressful I’ve even brought up if he needed to take. A break and he didn’t want to and neither do I. He told me tonight that he’s been feeling like all I do is nag him and when he sees my name pop up on his phone calling him he just grunted he said it was because it’s always something negative. He knows I have trust issues like really bad and he has not done anything to ease them through any of our issues. I simply don’t know how to fix our issues and if it really is just me. Maybe I’m focusing too much on the negative. But another part of me is like at least give me bare minimum like call me once in a while and he replies with well by the time I get home I don’t have the energy like what. If you love someone you make the time and find the energy. Am I being crazy or is my relationship one sided ? Do I break up with him? Do I wait it out? Please someone give me some advice!
@Working0nMe
It is hard when one person is just doing the bare minimum. It is hard to see what happens from the outside looking in.
So I will share what negative does in my world.... after having many things where i felt second or third and i had to plan or suggest things all the time... i expected him to remember things and i held back waiting for him to notice or speak up...I had a very negative tone and yes he pulled away even more .... so my calls/ text he did not want to engage thinking it was something negative....... do you ever brace yourself for a call to someone or place you expect negative too? ....he might fear that too in calling..... When he did have plans he wanted others around as a buffer...
I get how hard it is to let go of expectations or wants to have him step up like you want and reassure you like you want. I think it is a false idea to expect our partners to know what we need and just do it unless we speak up even if "they should know". I do not want a playbook drawn up to tell my partner a checklist as that makes it fake as well. They do not forget negative for a long time even when we make positive changes.
Now you speak of your side ......what is he going through?..... some people who do the bare minimum or do not do the normal everyday things like school etc. a person who feels tired or burnout maybe experiencing some emotions / depression etc. Some blame work or schedule not sharing emotional exhaustion/ worry etc with us.... Maybe we begin to feel you are always tired you never have energy for me.... but the disconnect is real.
That is the me version maybe is it similar or just gives you a different perspective.
I am in the same situations in my relationshipss, this conflict comes up untill the only way out has been a breakup for me. My exfiance didnt buy me flowers for like 3 years even if i tried to hint at it all the time. He eventually bought flowers although it was bittersweet cus i asked for them. He doesnt know what i need and i cant tell him cus that kills it, if he doesnt have what you are looking for, there are others that speak your love language. But at the same time, someone will buy flowers, but might not love you deeply. There are many love languages out there, try to maybe find which love language he speaks? has he been caring in other ways? fighting for u? there for you when u feel at your worst? cleaning, working hard to get income for u both? I think u both need to learn eachothers language and if they dont match, how to compromise on it or if worst comes to worst have a serious talk about where this is going for the future.
I am also a believer of if he wanted to he would, maybe he doesnt know how important this is to you. Untill its too late, there is def another side to this story and he is probably struggling too. Communication is superrr vital here and he needs to know that this is seriouss.
Then again i have two failed relationships under my belt, take what i say with a grain of salt.
i have the exact same problem (18f) we ve been togetther for 2,5 years, im olanning on breakung up on friday, its heen like this for 3 months, i still love him so much but its exhausting to maintain this. i need to give myself a chance to find better who validates me.
U should too girl