Beautiful mess
My girlfriend of two years recently broke up with me on our anniversary. Essentially as I was on my way to her house. We have been best friends and more during those two years. One of the hallmarks of our relationship was that we always said we would be partners and a team and figure things out together. So I’m feeling extraordinary crushed because a week before the break up she said “she wanted me for the rest of time”, in the last month of the relationship she said “you’re everything”, “I know you’re it for me”, etc. The day of the anniversary it was “I can’t wait to see you” and “two whole years!!!”. Then as I’m driving over to her place with ingredients because we are going to cook for each other, she calls me having a panic attack and saying she needs to cancel, when I push her as to why or what’s wrong, I eventually ask “are we breaking up”? She says “well I want to talk to you about it”. So we talk and she essentially says the relationship is causing her a lot of guilt and shame because it started as an affair, and she can no longer live with it and we need to break up but how can we stay in each others lives because I am her best friend.
I’ve been spinning through the wheel of grief for two weeks now. I envisioned life with her. She was so important to me, the single defining relationship of my 40+ years on this planet. I’m absolutely devastated and shattered. It was a complicated relationship but we did and shared so much. For it to end like that has me feeling so hurt. It was just so abrupt. There was no discussion like should happen in a partnership. It just seems like all the things she said right toward the end were a lie and now I don’t know what to think or feel about her at all. The worst part is I’m still absolutely in love with her. I’ve had panic attacks for two weeks now and I typically might have one a year. It’s just over and I don’t know how to pick up the pieces.
@Nkj21 I can really feel the weight of what you’re going through and I’m so sorry you’re in this kind of pain right now. That kind of abrupt shift would leave anyone feeling confused and questioning everything. It makes sense to feel that way as your mind and heart are trying to make sense of such a deep loss. None of your feelings are wrong or too much. I hope you’re giving yourself space to grieve even if it feels unbearable at times. It’s okay that you still love her love doesn’t just switch off even if the relationship ends. In time I believe you’ll find a way to carry that love without it breaking you. You don’t have to put all the pieces back together at once. Even the smallest steps forward are part of your healing, and your future self will thank you for the strength you’re finding now.
I’m trying not to talk to her but it’s so hard. We have messaged daily for two years. Hard also bc within days she was messaging that she missed me and just wanted me to be okay. It wasn’t an invitation to get back together but to go back to messaging again as friends. It doesn’t help that she wants to leave the door open for a reunion down the road but now the guilt is too much for her. I’m just having difficulty believing that is even true. I mean how do you tell someone you want them for the rest of time and a week later walk away? She has been through A LOT of trauma in her life, so I believe she is fear avoidant type. She struggles showing emotion although she did cry when we broke up. I did most the crying in this relationship, which is not like me, bc I became the anxious attachment personality. Anyway I’m just really struggling with all of it bc I have low self esteem which this plays into bc I always thought she was out of my league, and I also maybe bc of that I also feel like she is just telling me that it wasn’t just the situation and not me, and she’d like to leave it open for the future. It just sounds like I’m helping her move on and once she does I’ll be right back here again, but I’m also so in love. I think it’s 99% of her is so perfect but it’s that 1% that makes her wrong for me and I want so badly to make that go away. That and I really wanted to help her carry the burden of that trauma. I guess I was just all in and she wasn’t and that’s killing me right now
Please don’t try to carry anyone else’s trauma. You are worth more than that, and to be loved as well. You need to take care of yourself first to take care of others. Nobody is perfect and an avoidant is very hard to keep up with. You will live in this uncertainty which could get addictive. Please choose yourself first, I’ve been there and regret it
Sorry I just saw your post. I appreciate the thoughts. It did become addictive. The attempt to stay best friends is causing me a lot of happiness but also a lot of hurt and keeps my heart tethered. I know I can’t continue it and that really sucks. You lose your best friend and love of your life in one unexpected drop of the ax. I guess it’s natural to want to keep some part of that alive so it’s not so severe. It’s really hard right now, just feels like I’ve lost everything, but I’m realizing that is in part bc I haven’t built up the support in my own life. So when she abruptly left I had no soft place to fall, bc she was the only soft Sorry I just saw your post. I appreciate the thoughts. It did become addictive. The attempt to stay best friends is causing me a lot of happiness but also a lot of hurt and keeps my heart tethered. I know I can’t continue it and that really sucks. You lose your best friend and love of your life in one unexpected drop of the ax. I guess it’s natural to want to keep some part of that alive so it’s not so severe. It’s really hard right now, just feels like I’ve lost everything, but I’m realizing that is in part bc I haven’t built up the support in my own life. So when she abruptly left I had no soft place to fall, bc she was the only soft place and that’s on me
I feel for you and your situation.
I hope amongst all the pain and hurt you take some time for self care and be kind to yourself.
I understand the pain and conflict in you . One part wants nothing to do with and other would give anything to be together again.
I would recommend letting her know truthfully, respectfully and calmly what you feel and I think it's best at least for the near future you have no contact with her. For me and I think most guys we can't be friends with some you love , their daily presence is a constant reminder of what's happened. You can't make someone be with you or love.
You need time to grieve and process . Allow yourself the feel all your feelings non are wrong, they just are.
I'd consider therapy if it's feasible.
It's not going to be an easy process and there will be set backs but genuinely wish you the best .
Lastly no matter how dark your thoughts take you . you are enough . You are worthy.
