Boyfriend says horrible things to me when angry or drunk
I've been with my boyfriend (on and off) for almost four and a half years. Over the years, he has been a pretty heavy drinker most nights of the week, which a lot of the time has resulted in him angrily calling me (or in person) and saying mean things to me (such as I'm not physically attractive to him, I smell, that we need to break up, that I'm worth nothing, and to get my hoo-ha "fixed" when my pH is just a little off.) OR, on other occasions, getting horridly paranoid that I'm cheating on him, which has resulted in him retaliating by seeing or talking to other women while being together with me.
When we're good, we're perfect. I can be silly and goofy with him, and he makes me laugh a ton. He's always flirting/complimenting me and showing me love in all of the love languages without me ever asking. All of that sounds great, but then a minor argument ensues, and/or he starts drinking, and then all the horrible insults come out, and actions he does (such as talking to other women) start happening, and NONE of that should ever be warranted.
I know I don't deserve the things that have been said and done to me out of anger, frustration, and paranoia, but I keep thinking about when things are good and how we go from being lovey-dovey and talking about potential future baby names and feeling protected and safe with him to then feeling like I have zero self-confidence and have to walk on eggshells around him in hopes of not aggravating him again.
The cycle is the same each time: we're great, he says/does something awful, things are tense between us, he apologizes for the things he said out of frustration or being drunk and swears he's done with that, and we're great again for a few weeks, and it all happens again. I know from an outside perspective it's easy to say just leave but it's not always that easy. I keep thinking about if i break up with him will i deeply regret it and want him back immediately? am i too sympathetic to his alcoholism/previous (unresolved) trauma? should i not give another insult another chance to happen again and leave? I have had numerous conversations with him about how the things he says to me are NOT okay and they keep happening.
In a non-naive way, I do believe he loves me and I do believe if I ever did up and leave he would genuinely be extremely upset but if that the case WHY am i pretty frequently met with horrible insults being thrown at me and him doing things that are borderline cheating? I just want to hear people's thoughts and see other perspectives.
@raspberryGrapefruit341
I think you have 2 issues .... one being alcohol and other being his anger/ emotions. It is OK to be strong and set boundaries regarding substance abuse.... emotional abuse in name calling or saying things that sting and and stay with you is like a cuts that do not heal ....
I agree with you that from outside you may hear a lot of "leave" type things but as you want to stay you need to look at long term....
do you see a future and your eventual kids being treated to name called and belittling?
do you want to have kids see and accept alcoholism as normal... perhaps repeating the cycle?
long term alcohol abuse often has many other issues on his health and perhaps keeping employment as it grows and becomes more then nights and weekends problem.
I have been there took a long time to get my partner to quit and STAY sober.... lots of health issues and frankly parts of me miss the days when i saw him as fun and more adventurous then i realize that was with alcohol. He will not just change with talk and for you it has to be HIS decision to work long term otherwise it is cycles of clean up and be good for a time to right back there.
i appreciate this, thank you so so much
@raspberryGrapefruit341
You've described a recurring pattern which is not healthy or sustainable in the long term. Are you willing to continue living in this cycle, where moments of happiness are overshadowed by periods of stress and hurt? Are you prioritizing your own emotional well-being, or are you sacrificing your happiness to maintain the status quo? You will need to consider what you want and deserve in a healthy relationship. Has he shown genuine remorse and a willingness to change his behavior, or does he fall back into old patterns despite his promises to do better? Trust is built on consistency. Alcoholism and unresolved trauma can certainly contribute to someone's behavior, but they don't excuse it. Your boyfriend needs to take responsibility for his actions and seek help if he wants to make positive changes in his life and in your relationship