Broken trust
A couple months ago I caught my husband of 20+ years taking with someone online. When i asked him about it he said it didn't mean anything it was just conversation (but doesn't remember what they talked about) and then found out he was talking to 3 different people. He says he loves me and doesn't know why he stated looking or taking to others online. But every little thing he does a question and makes me think he's up to no good. I love him but I don't know how to move forward.
@Sunshine927
Hello. I've read your previous post, from over a month ago, and it seems the matter feels still unresolved to you... I would look at the entire situation from at least three points of view:
First, maybe it is something about the condition of your marriage. In my view 20+ years together is really an admirable score 👍 Many couples nowadays do not even reach half as that long. But maybe some routine and boredom crept into your relationship.
I believe a success of a long-term relationship is a unique mixture of feeling at home and safe, and the thrill of butterflies in your stomach at the same time. Maybe giving your marriage some first date scent for a moment, instead of talking the bills to be paid and daily chores, could improve the situation. But it takes two...
The second thing is, you said something like your husband happens to be overly flirtatious to other women sometimes. Maybe this is his inside issue: some kind of a problem with his self-esteem? (needing to be boosted by other girls?) or his attachment style making him feel "not safe enough" in a stable relationship.
Maybe it is a good time for you both to try to be more mindful of your personalities and of how your relationship works? Intruders circling around are usually a sign that something in a relationship might be improved.
I am not at all saying that is "your fault" your husband is too concerned about female friends. I think that's something about him.
The third thing I think are your personal boundaries. Your husband was hiding his phone from you, it seems because he knew he was doing something wrong and you would not like it. There is a difference between flirting with someone and discussing professional things or hobbies.
When my female, married work friends shares her concerns about her health troubles with me, that is just camaraderie. But when my ex is writing and we are talking about our sweet memories together - that would be not safe for either her or my relationship.
But my phone is my personal thing. It is like a toothbrush. No one else uses it, including my partner, unless I ask him/her or give him/her a permission. But e.g. when I am infected and there is a blood on my toothbrush, and we kiss every day, it starts to be my partner's business, too.
But maybe it is better for loyalty to be based on trust and connection than on checking?
Hi and thank you for perspective. We have been together for a long time and that is time i would not like to give up on, but like you said it takes two. I don't feel that he is fully in but he says he wants to work through this.
It just hurts that my boundaries have been been crossed so many times. But you have have given me somethings to think about so thank you.
@Sunshine927
You never know what is worse: Checking your husband's phone, breaking his boundaries and feeling bad about that, or not checking and being unaware of the fact some danger might be coming.
But I believe in your case things didn't go too far, and this relationship still can be saved. Every relationship may have its ups and downs, and solving problems in a good way can make you stronger as a couple. Also, let's not underestimate the power of honest talk...
At first I was checking his phone and then thought that was going to make me crazy and felt that was an invasion of his possible boundary. So i stopped.
When I try to have open and honest talks I feel.that he is trying but not fully honeat.
@Sunshine927
In a really long term relationships we become to point of we think we know everything about the other person and our interaction may become boring and leaving a person feel unheard or left out. No more compliments or hearing of what you think about current events or various subjects or general getting to know you talk.
My spouse just nods head and pretends he listens then when i talk. If it comes up again claims he did not know something or I never told him etc. I almost screamed this weekend as I explained something and he nodded head and then asked a specific question that IF he paid attention would see what i said explained the whole thing. I told him i just explained that to you !!!! I repeated verbatim what i JUST said he acknowledged he "sometimes he only sort of listens' .... Like i was unaware of his disconnect........ i find it very disrespectful and insulting.
I met an online male friend and i talk to him about many things .......some that may seem to be very personal.
I am not hiding it but also not advertising it. It got personal and so I asked myself to turn that type conversation to spouse .....it did not work ........he had no interest in chatting about ideal weekend plans "he is busy this weekend why am i asking stupid questions" , travel talk? he has traveled more then me and just dismisses ideas as "that is boring or nothing to see there." so I kept chatting with friend and a co-worker.
If this is something you are open to talk to him about ........ASK what is he getting out of the conversations.... attention? Someone asking for his opinion? or his likes/ dislikes ? .. can you replace his friend ......you could ask him questions talk about things you have not in a long time.... compliment or flirt with him. I might have quit chatting if my spouse made me feel interesting and funny and even complimented me.
Long term married we fall into assuming what they have always done or like etc. WE do not see changes in spouse as easy as others. we may dismiss a new interest as they have never done that before etc..... it goes both ways and some is unintentional but many are in these shoes and if a person wants it to end they need to fill whatever need their partner is getting out of these conversations.
Our conversations are the same way. I talk, he nods or appears to be listening to me. Then something happens and he says I never told him or he had no clue. I then try to remind him of the conversation. Sometimes it works and sometimes not.
I have tried to ask about the conversations and if there were things maybe we could talk more about or do different things. He tells me that it was just talking and that he doesn't remember what they talked about and that it didn't mean anything. But he would delete all.history of chats with these people, so makes me think was it innocent??
@Sunshine927
i once had a whole conversation about cake or deserts with a friend really silly and not important if my spouse were to ask what i talk about I would say i do not remember either. i am not saying it is all innocent but he needs to come clean with you about the disconnect... i told spouse i talk to co-worker about current events music etc. sooner or later he realized he needed to be more present in conversations. It takes two .......i know you probably have tried several times and it did not work because we need them to respond.
It is sad that many situations end for this simple losing site of making each other feel interesting and validated. It is ok to ask for what you need ... and be blunt that you feel that his chats although he seems to feel are harmless makes you feel like he does not want to talk to you. maybe he wakes up to the real situation.
I talk to my coworkers about frivolous things, the kids, what we did over the weekend. I'm sure I couldn't remember all the details of our conversations either. But when he says he doesn't remember anything that's just suspicious and makes me feel that he is hiding something. I'm a person who is transparent and likes the truth regardless of how it may make me feel, I've always been this way.
I really appreciate your words and helping me to see outside of where my thoughts are keeping me.
