(C)PTSD caused by family members
I was adopted into a family at the age of 6. At the time I thought it was a great idea because one of my sisters was there. I could finally feel like I wasn't gonna lose her again. After all I lost my eldest sister due to her being 18 already...little did I know; it'd be the worse decision I'd make. Ever since I was little, family was always important to me. Even though family members would use and abuse me, I still tried to be strong and always there for them. I was scared of having no family. As I got older, I got friends who told me they would be my family; you know there forever. Right? They all left just like everyone else. I've now created my own family, however I still carry fears. I won't be good enough, every once in awhile I get nightmares of my past. Stuck in a place with nowhere to go and a ticking time bomb. I'm about to be abused... how do I run or heal from this, when it's in my dreams. How can I stop it from effecting my emotional state, when I wake up? Why is it even though I'm awake, I still feel trapped and scared. I'm in my bed with an amazing man who would do anything to protect me and child in her bed next to me. A child I'd do anything to protect. That's the thing though, I wanna protect her and my husband from suffering any tiny glimpse of abuse from my family. How can I though? I can't even protect myself. Let alone know the next time they are gonna become aggressive or whatever they might do. Why do I feel so helpless? You'd think after years of trauma, therapy, and working on myself; I have to have some knowledge of how to protect others? I don't though... when I'm in a situation my ptsd triggers and I'm frozen! I can barely help myself let alone my little family. My husband's answer is always violence to get it to stop or to protect us. I've seen the strength and anger of my family, what if he isn't strong enough and gets hurt because of me..... why can't my mind stop racing for just a minute, so I can breathe and relax. It's been 5 YEARS since the abuse was consistent, sure there's occasionally jabs and add ons. Shouldn't I be stronger now or atleast use to it? Will I ever be able to not be reminded of it..?
@imaginativeTortoise6089
Hello ImagitiveTortoise,
Abuse, such an ugly word. We, the victims, robs us, it takes and continues to take from us. We survived AND I want to say we will thrive. You are Not Alone. You are in a Judgement Free area.
We do not know the extent or the level of impact, each of has endured at an individual level. We cannot pretend to understand, but we all can and do empathize. You seem to have endured so much, I am sorry. From the age 6 through today, it had to have been great. Nightmares of the past, fears of today and tomorrow. Not alone the major concerns of towards your family.
You are valid and you have the right to feel as you do. I have similar thoughts, fears, and feelings. ‘What if <Fill Blank>?’ But know, it is ok to feel that way right now. You are amazing and you care deeply. That is the proof and testament of how wonderful of a person you are.
You also have very valid questions. You are the Expert of You! I would recommend talking with a Trained Verified Listener. Click here for the list of Active Listeners. They are there to help you through all the noise. And, here are some Self-Help Guides.