Can A spouse/significant other think highly of their partner and also have horrible thoughts about them as well?
I am married and My husband will one moment tell me how amazing I am and flatter me with words and then he will at another moment tell me bad things he thinks about me. He says that is normal. I am not so sure. I know that relationships arent perfect and everyone has negative things about their significant other but this doesnt seem like normal negative, if that makes sense. Example of some of the things he has said: I am Judgmental and critical and think I am above everyone. That I lack compassion, that I am too much. I don't understand how the world works. I am a nag. He is not usually saying these things in anger and he means them. If someone described someone to me the way he negatively describes me, I would want nothing to do with that person. I would think they were toxic and not want a relationship with them. Yet he will say I am amazing? I don't understand how these things can co exist? BTW I do not think that his negative comments about me are true and when I challenge them he tells me that is my perception and how I see things but I could be looking at things wrong. It is confusing to me to be told I am wonderful and horrible
@SomeHope2022
That makes no sense to me either as a person just reading your story...
i can see a spouse say those type things in anger but causally seems odd the difference... how is one so amazing and negative at the same time?
I for one want to know if they have real examples .......of their point of view as my spouse used to say generalized terms like i am negative or hostile ............ hoping i would buy into it and apologize ?....and I guess try harder to impress him ..... when he could not support his claims .... i told him i knew he was deflecting....as i had clear and complete examples of any criticism i had of him.....
he dislikes these conversations ....... but if we were to try couples therapy again they generally want concrete examples not throwing out words.
the only way this type of opposite would be NORMAL was if he said it in a helpful way like a friend would example......." you are a great person but i do not think you have considered X from another point of view" and clarify a point they want you to see.
while we can not always see ourselves clearly i have a Best Friend......... whom i run these claims by to see if any of the point was valid ... this friend WILL tell me we have one of those relationships where we do not spare feelings...
@toughTiger6481 these comments are usually said when we are having a disagreement or talking about our problems. He hasn't ever really gave examples but I tend to lean away from asking that because he is a master of debate and I am not and if I asked for examples it would turn into a debate, like I did ask about me not being compassionate and he went into defense/debate mode and asked me to prove that I was compassionate, which when he gets that way my brain shuts off and I can't think of a single thing. I can see how if he brought it up as a friend to help me grow or notice some bad behaviors but his statements are always more like they are my character flaws rather than a bad behavior, like instead of hey you can get judgmental sometimes, it is you are a judgmental person. It doesnt make sense to me and doesnt seem healthy
@SomeHope2022
I see what you mean and i agree that does not seem healthy ........ just sound to me like he has not much to say so probably picks a topic he thinks will get under your skin and for most people character flaws do make a person start to have some self doubt
i guess in my world when debating he is unable to match me but if i had a clear picture of Where some line was coming from i can grow or analyze my behavior
@SomeHope2022
For me personally, this would be very confusing. Not to mention hurtful. A stranger saying I'm hostile, rude, or negative would not make much impact, but it's very different when it comes to your own husband. It's one thing if these statements are coming up during arguments or fits of anger, but are these being said to you even on normal and casual occasions?
@Sunset316 these statements are usually said during times when we are discussing problems in with our marriage or if I am talking about something I am struggling with. I thought at first they were maybe said out of anger, but he has said them multiple times and I also have asked him about what he said and if it was in anger and he does not take it back or apologize but usually repeats what he said in a sugar coated way.
@SomeHope2022 If there may be any incidents between the two of you that are allowing him to feel this way, it may help immensely to communicate. It's very unfair to be accused of something you have not done and it doesn't help if these accusations become grounded in the other person's mind, so these could also very well be misunderstandings. Has he given any examples of why he says the things he does?
@SomeHope2022,
I can fully understand it confuses you.
It's like walking on egg shells.
Question is, why does he show this totally unacceptable behavior?
And no, this behavior is definitely not normal.
Put down boundaries. Whenever he reacts negative, walk away, saying you don't accept his behavior and you are willing to talk when he acts normal.
Maybe relationship therapy is an option.
If I were you, I would definitely ask myself if I'd want to stay in a relationship like this.
@dukeofdearham you asked,- "Question is, why does he show this totally unacceptable behavior?" This is what I have been trying to figure out. I think it could be unresolved anger. I think it could be a lack of communication skills, I also think he could just be emotionally abusive. I have been trying to figure this out but it is a slow process of trying to get clarity on my end. We have gone to counseling. It didn't have much effect. He was very positive about me when he spoke and if he spoke negative he really sugar coated it. It made the counselor think that I was the problem and that he was trying his hardest and was this great guy that love me.
@SomeHope2022,
did the counselor say that or do you think that that was what the counselor thought?
Good counselors are rare. Good ones feel a situation, they hear behind what is said and what is not said.
I cannot and will not judge, we only hear your perception. I can relate to your situation though and I admire your loving efforts.
Again, put down boundaries. Do not accept any negative behavior. And make that clear to him in a non-aggresive way.
If he persists in his behavior, then it's time to reevaluate the relationship.
@dukeofdearham the counselor said he was trying and I must not be acknowledging it, which confused me because I make an effort to make sure I acknowledge the good stuff. I think she was an ok counselor but I think it was hard for her to see what was really going on, because he made himself looks so good with his words and I had trouble expressing that what he was saying was a lie. I agree good counselors are rare.
@SomeHope2022,
trying is not good enough. His behavior is not acceptable and either he works on it or not.
I guess deep down you know what to do. Take your time to make the best decision for you.
Me and my wife have been in counseling too. Long story but as for my part, I would get angry often. I wanted to work on that and I did. I changed. Too late to save us, she couldn't cope anymore and filed for divorce.
I have changed, I had to. I have apologized for my behavior. What I am saying, people can change if they want to. If they love themselves. If they truly respect the other.
@dukeofdearham I think the hard part is that I don't know how long I wait for him to change. He says he is working on himself but I don't see much action. He has done individual counseling but only sees her once a month. He told me he is making me his focus in counseling(how to be a good partner) but then why only see her once a month?? If our marriage is falling apart shouldn't he want to change and start that change immediately? Also, the marriage counselor gave us a book to read. When I got it, he told me his counselor has suggested that book to him months ago.....This made me wonder why it took me getting the book and going to counseling with him to read it. Why didn't he get it and read it months ago when his counselor suggested?? So There has been no active change. In fact he doesnt even bring up the relationship unless I make him mad about something. It has been 10 yrs of this. I don't want to wait around till there is nothing left and we both despise each other. I don't think what we have is a normal healthy relationship but he makes me question so much.
I am glad you found change. It is hard work to change. Good for you, taking on that journey. It does become a blessing. I always feel better when I am working towards good health.
Honestly i can think of nothing worse than people pretending to make changes and yet ACTIONS show nothing. they do not do the homework or leg work but want credit for half heartedly going to counseling wow just wow.