Cheating wife?
My wife and I have been going through a rough patch for the last two years. Late last year she hacked my phone and found some communications. I had with a woman communications were friendly and never led to anything. Nevertheless, she was hurt.
About a month later, she met a man who was looking for a house. Ultimately this business relationship evolved into something much more personal. I did see some text from him that were asking her to spend time with him over the weekend. She also told me that they had shared personal information about each other‘s families, and I assume their lives.
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When I ask her when I ask her about him and ask if he was Ing her and sending her sexually focused messages and if they had been going out on dates, she would either shut me down on the conversation or turn it on me and say I was a cheater. When I asked her to show me her text, she said no initially and then later said she deleted all of them.
. When I asked her to show me her text, she said no initially and then later said she deleted all of them.
Since then we have been spending more quality time. But when I bring the topic up, she again responds in an aggressive and negative fashion. She then says she can’t live like this and that I have to learn how to deal with my insecurities.
but when I bring the topic up, she again responds in an aggressive and negative fashion. She then says she can’t live like this and that I have to learn how to deal with my insecurities.
Am I wrong? What do you guys think I should do? Should I reach out to him and have a conversation? How hard do I push this issue with her?
What do you guys think I should do? Should I reach out to him and have a conversation? How hard do I push this issue with her?
Thanks for listening and offering me your thoughts and recommendations.
@jasonmc66
I think she should be able to tell you the truth. I think you both had some sort of disconnect in your marriage. In order to fix that move forward without this type of communication with others.
It sounds like her bringing up a past issue with you means she is still holding resentment. one error does not give someone else a free pass to do the same. Also, she may tell herself that is what she did, but the truth is she is getting something from the conversation and interaction. If she will not be honest, is she is not willing to give up that connection.
repairing the relationship makes it important to know what was missing that you both sought connections elsewhere. If that need or want is not met one or both will eventually seek it again.
Do you think I should say to her if she doesn’t tell me if she thinks he was not pursuing her and will not tell me what they were discussing (basically shutting me down) she will make me contact him and ask him?
@jasonmc66
I think if you say that to her she will not share truth. seems like you want to contact guy so do it if you want you will not get the answers you want there.
I think you both should have a real conversation about what was missing or why you spoke to others. In a honest way and BOTH need to be able to LISTEN and not become defensive. Very hard to do when hurt.
If someone is talking to someone perhaps it is the flirting or the being told they are attractive etc. being listened to and appreciated.... Not saying you don't do these things......
just in a marriage we do not always feel like our spouse notices us or listens .... but take each other for granted.
I'm actually struggling a lot with this too.... Again.
Albeit, I don't "think" it's happening, whereas before, I absolutely knew it was. My wife and I have been together going on 10 years. In the early days of our relationship, I'll admit I was a rude, I'd ghost her, and, all that crap. Which undeniably manifested itself probably from my avoidant attachment style. I was just afraid to allow her in after having spent a hellish 3 years in an emotionally abusive relationship with my son's mother. But I digress, even through all of the ways I treated my wife, she stood steadfast through it all. And then as time went on I began to open myself up more to her- not completely- honestly that took all the way up until recently to really start tearing down some barriers. But by that time I'll call it she may have been feeling unfulfilled,and start actually seeing and sleeping with another guy, and then coming home to our bed, and sleeping with me- not on the same night of course. But she'd pepper in these things,and this affection that kept me paralyzed and wanting more because I pushed it away for so long. And it finally got to the point I reached out to the dude and told him he needed to get lost and that she had been sleeping with me too and I sent him the texts and proof and blah blah. Had to get over all of that because I wanted to be with her.
Fast track a few years, everything was going ehh okay ish? Still having problems mostly centered around me, and being the emotionally stunted person I was, feeling that it actually was all on me. But as I slowly gave up my avoidance, unbeknownst to me, I began to allow in my anxious attachment style- I also apparently have, working in tandem with the other. So I started picking up on subtleties, as well as my own insecurities, and I started going through her phone more and more... Which obviously is completely wrong regardless the situation. But I was searching for something I wanted to not be there but was convinced there was, but unfortunately found. And when confronted she dismissed me completely and instead turn the tides of rage back on me, focusing on my blatant breach of her privacy. So I was forced to shelve her guilt, and face my insecurities, my self esteem issues, my intrusive thoughts, my distrust. It was an unimaginably hard year or so afterwards. I couldn't even tell you how I managed to get past it but I did. Fast forward to now.... We find ourselves taking a break, while still living together. All brought on by me lying about my usage, and yet those insecure, intrusive thoughts have resurfaced vehemently. Coupled with me obsessing over her because of things I perceived as kind of those "common signs your so girl is cheating on you" stuff. Doing her makeup everyday when she never used to, always being on her phone, staying out late, etc. While constantly being annoyingly reassured, or dismissed, or told to work on myself and quit focusing on her, and she's not doing anything, and so on.
So yeah, I'm right there with you brother.
