Conflicted…

I have a crush on a guy who wanted a casual relationship and I wasn’t sure at first if I wanted to go casual with him because I’m a virgin and it would be like playing with fire going through this. But at the same time, I don’t want to let him go. I keep thinking about him and I want to at least kiss him. I want to get to know him more and connect with him. And I may want to have my first time with him. But then I feel guilty because I’m scared I’m going to disrespect my standards and lose my feminine power for falling for him. I’m also scared I’m going to get ***-shamed if anyone finds out. I keep having these thoughts about him whenever I’m working or busy and it distracts me constantly. I keep wanting to meet up with him so bad, but at the same time, I’m trying to make myself busy so that I don’t get so anxious to see him. The worst part is that I’m working on stuff so much and putting myself into extreme burnout that I can’t go out and escape and I’m scared that working more is going to make me think about him even more. I know he’s not thinking of me so I just think it’s weird & stalker-like that I keep thinking about him (I also confessed and told him that I couldn’t stop thinking of him, and I feel so embarrassed). I also scared of getting attached and that I’m too much of a hopeless romantic to go casual. But I’ve also been trying to hold on to my virginity and I don’t know if I’m holding on because of my standards or holding on so that society dosen’t judge me.