Confused and lonely
My husband and I have been together for nearly 5 years. About a month ago, I woke up alone. He took his vehicle, loaded up some of his stuff, and when he finally contacted me at the end of the day I discovered he drove 700 miles away. At that time he said he didn't know what to do about us. The night before everything was great, we participated in adult activities together like normal and went to sleep with each other.
He is now saying he wants a divorce, yet he says he still loves me. He claims the divorce has to happen for his mental health to get better, but he wants to try again with me once he improves himself. He's told me that he's been unhappy for the entirety of our relationship, and he doesn't want to stay married because he can't work on himself if I'm waiting for him. Yet he doesn't want me to move on after him.
My heart is breaking because I never saw this coming and I don't know what to do. Hearing him say he wants a divorce hurts, but hearing him say that he still loves me hurts more because it makes me so confused.
@anxiouslover13
Wow that must have been a big shock and he is being very confusing.......
Separation and time away should be the same regardless if divorced or NOT ....... and giving false hope that you will reconnect after he finds himself or whatever is asking you to wait....
perhaps he should have sought therapy or something he does not seem to be making sense.
Unfortunately he refuses therapy, I've offered couples counseling and he says there's no chance he would be willing to go. I don't believe he knows what he truly wants, but I'm having trouble moving forward because of this. I'm afraid to try and move on because of the small chance that he'll want me to stay.
It doesn’t make sense. He could have taken time apart without forcing a divorce. If he was unhappy for the whole five years as he claims - did you notice any signs? Were you constantly fighting and miserable throughout the 5 years? Was their tension and friction? What’s his mental state? Depression? A history of cheating? Where did he go? What’s his plan ?
He states the ONLY way he can be happy is if you both divorce so that he can work on himself. OK, what about your happiness? Has he said anything at all that recognizes just how viciously unfair and hurtful this must be for you? It seems to me that for whatever reason, he wants to dissolve ALL ties to you. That usually suggests some kind of regret, or guilt, or him staking vital and immediate importance on his need to move on from you (Could he have met someone? Does he plan to marry someone else? Is that why he is insisting on a divorce?)
I think any suggestion that he still wants to come back to your marriage at some point seems dubious. Why go through all the trouble of a divorce if that’s the case? Is this his way of starting over? Hitting RESET on everything? What does he plan to change in the meantime? If he genuinely wanted to improve his marriage I doubt he would be suggesting divorce. His course of action seems more like abandonment, I’m sorry to say. I suspect he just offered the idea of “reuniting” with you at some vague point out of guilt because he knows what he’s doing is wrong.
I think until you understand the situation better, just wait and let the situation evolve with more clarity. But keep in mind he took the initiative to leave. He didn’t offer any chance for you to talk, you didn’t have any say in what happened. So it’s not fair on you at all if he thinks you’re just expected to wait for him indefinitely with no explanation as to what you’re even waiting for. It seems unclear to the both of you IF/WHEN he’s going to return. What IS clear is that he has already insisted on a divorce; so when he DOES return it seems probable that he does not want to return to you as a “husband” …
So maybe keep that in mind. I think for whatever reason, he has decided that much with enough conviction that he has abandoned your home and driven very far away from you where he knows you won’t follow. So that much tells you something of what he wants, what he seems to think he needs right now. And that might help give you some grounding to proceed with more certainty. You shouldn’t give him any specific timeframe - because that might influence him to behave a certain way, it might just cause him to come back when what he would rather do is leave. And what you need from him is to decide honestly what he actually wants. If he wants to come back it must be of his own accord, and not because you pressured him for any reason.
As for moving on, well he chose this for himself, for both of you. So if he walks out on your marriage, insisting on divorce, he doesn’t really get to complain if at some point in the future you are partnered with someone who actually wants to fight for you, to love you , and support you. If he thinks that his unhappiness must also be your unhappiness, and plans to leave you in a limbo not married to him but also forbidden to move on, doesn’t he think there should be some kind of reasonable limits to his selfishness…?
CatsInTheCradle
First and foremost thank you for taking the time to give me such an in depth perspective to look at. You have given me a lot to think about.
When we first moved in together we fought often, but over the last several years we've only fought a handful of times. Yesterday he told me he has been depressed for 9 years. I know people with depression can hide it if they want to. It's just hard to imagine living together for so long and not knowing.
As far as I know there is no plan... he has no job and very little money. The only thing he had said in response to my feelings is, "I know" and "I'm sorry". Part of me believes he's trying to hard reset everything. He said he wants to do things right if there's a next time. I just don't know if I believe it.
I know in this instance he is only thinking about himself. I do not think he has honestly considered my mental shape in all of this.
@CatzInTheCradle,
I don't think you understand what depression can do to someone.
You are totally disconnected from self.
You can't think straight, heck, you can't think. There is just an overload of emotions and tremendous pain, 24/7.
There's no logic, no realism, no love for self let alone for others. You just live in h e l l , day in, day out.
@dukeofdearham,
Do you think he'll eventually understand the hurt this situation has caused me?
I know it's a selfish thought to have, but one day I'd like him to realize what's happened to us
@anxiouslover13,
I don't know, nobody knows, time will tell.
The point is, does it matter? I'm sure he didn't want to hurt anyone on purpose.
See him for we he really is. Not his words, his actions, his behavior, but his heart. His true being. Try to understand. If you understand (which doesn't mean you agree and/or you forgive), then that in itself is all you need.
Sometimes things happen. Things too much to cope with. And we see only one way out.Like my wife once wrote me (we are to be divorced in a few months, story in itself), "I love you, and I love me too".
Now he might work himself out, or not. He might want to reconnect, whatever that might look like. Nobody knows. So be there for you.
Take your time. Take time to suffer. Take time to heal. Wounds and scars might always be there but don't make them you closing down, becoming cautious, on guard.
And I know how it feels. I lost my soulmate, my best friend, the love of a life. One day at the time.
@anxiouslover13
As you both have been married for quite a few years the sensible thing would have been to discuss the issue at hand by means of effective communication. The way he decided to deal with it is confusing, stressful, unhealthy & unfair to you.
Has he told you how is mental health is being affected by this relationship?
He never said how our relationship was specifically impacting his mental shape, just that he's depressed and he has been depressed since before we go together. The only thing he told me later the day he left was he has never been happy with me.
@anxiouslover13,
I have been depressed myself. I can tell it's not you.
It's something that makes you totally disconnect from yourself. You get at a point that you don't love yourself anymore let alone others. Well, maybe you do but you can't connect to your feelings anymore.
It's nothing personal. It's got nothing to do with you.
And there's nothing you can do, apart from letting him know he's got a friend.
One thing I'm sure of, he never wanted or wants to hurt you on purpose.
I think that's part of why this hurts more. I know there might not be any ill intentions behind his actions so I can't bring myself to be mad at him or hate him.
I have sent him advice to help him on his healing journey, and I've let him know that if he ever needs to reach out to talk that I will be here for him. I know talking to him at the moment hurts me more, but it still hurts to think about him suffering.
Hmmmm well OK, I did state above that his behavior seems more consistent with abandonment and regret; but after you mentioning that he has been depressed for nine years, he has no job and no money, I think perhaps he has just genuinely escaped to try and find himself (as opposed to having an affair or some such).
Of course when he tells you he has never been happy while being married to you, that doesn’t necessarily mean you were the reason for his unhappiness, especially since his depression preceded being married to you. I think most men reach a certain age where they reflect on their progress and achievements, and it can definitely be enormously disheartening if they feel they haven’t achieved their goals or established themselves in the world in any meaningful way. So yes I think as much as he abandoned your marriage, maybe perhaps it wasn’t you specifically that he felt the need to leave, so much as he feels a need to leave EVERYTHING that he is right now.
I think sometimes it is very difficult for men to admit that they feel hopeless and feel like giving up. Maybe his insistence on a divorce is part of his need to start over, to feel renewed in some way. Perhaps he feels his whole life has been stagnating for so long that he needs to do something drastic to move to a better place in life.
I think as above posts have said, what he needs right now is a true friend, that can support him in his difficult time. Of course that doesn’t change how unfair all of this is for you. There will no doubt be conflicting emotions for you in the sense that this was your marriage as much as it was his, that you will endure the consequences and emotional fallout from everything he does, and it will be challenging for you to be part of his life with so much uncertainty. Its definitely no small deal to just have a partner leave without much explanation after years of marriage - that will definitely instill doubts in a person.
Take the time to process all of this. There’s no need to commit to any course of action when events are still unfolding.
Support him in whatever ways you can, but please put yourself first. I think when times are turbulent, and uncertain, it’s then that we must hold fast to the things that we DO know, and the things that we are sure of. And what you can be sure of is YOURSELF. That no matter what happens, you still have options, you will adapt, you will get through this. You might not have a husband at the end of it, or maybe your relationship will be different to what you had initially. But you will make the best of it! You will be OK.
I hope you both find yourselves in a better place soon!
CatsInTheCradle
depression was still a dark cloud that never felt too far away from casting another shadow for another day,
I was depressed in 2019, at that time I couldnt see it for what it was.
In 2023 being unemployed or feeling like disappointment makes me numb sometimes and it kind feel like the dark cloud of depression is hanging on top of me.
That feeling is scary
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This sounds similar to how my ex bf was with me. The mindset at least and what he said. I ended up going forward with someone else. My ex was “furious” as he put it even though he’s the one who broke up with me. I know it’s painful now but you will get through this 🩷p.s. I’m much happier with my current partner and looking back, I realize my ex is just too emotionally immature to be in a serious relationship.