Confusing lust for love
I am so disgusted with myself, how I’ve treated my body and who I’ve let touch it. All I’ve ever wanted is a genuine connection and relationship. I’ve been used in the past for my body just to maybe feel loved just for a moment, and I don’t even fight it. Sometimes I tell myself I’m okay with it, but afterward I just feel empty and disgusting. At school I’m stapled as some kind of ***, i am not proud of the things I’ve done to myself. I don’t know why I let it happen. maybe it’s because I don’t have any real self-respect, or because part of me thinks it’s the only way to feel wanted, even for a moment. I keep sabotaging any good relationships in my life. I can’t feel loved in any relationship without being over-sexualized. I hurt people I care about, make choices I regret, and push away anyone who gets too close. And the worst part is, I know I’m doing it while it’s happening. I don’t feel like I protect myself at all. I don’t even know who I am sometimes. it’s like I’m watching myself from the outside. I don’t know if this is trauma, mental illness or if I’m just a 17 year old girl making bad decisions. but I don’t want to keep living like this. If anyone understands this feeling or has gotten through something similar or just has advice for me in general, I’d really appreciate hearing from you.
@thereese
You know it .. so you can fix it.... like an addict / alcoholic the first step is identifying the problem. You can move forward now. At such a young age it is commendable you are aware. You cannot change the past only move forward.
If you want a real connection it takes time and patience. Jumping into a physical thing is empty without something more. Many many people confuse the two not only you.... Love is something others cannot really explain but you will know without anyone telling you how it feels. we cannot rush it and lust is not even close.
@sllii2
Hello. I believe that in mature, adult, healthy and happy relationships love and emotional/spiritual connection go hand in hand with good chemistry and physical attraction. But if we start with the latter forgetting the former, it becomes an act of self harm. It is also very negative to let other people treat you like a 'thing', not like a person.
The worst thing is you seem to be fully aware of that, but still working in this "let the bad guys exploit you and reject the good guys" mode. From my observation it is often a result of previous trauma, being neglected or abused (not necessarily in a strictly sexual way), being erroneously taught that "you're unworthy and don't deserve anything good".
It does not mean you are doomed - I think that could be a lot if you improved your self-esteem and let the good people reach you (maybe this conversation you started is the first step?).
Have you ever considered talking to a therapist about what happened in your heart and mind in the past?
The current situation is like someone put rats into your room, closed the door and broke the key. I guess you have to find the key, open the door (open to good people instead of spiraling down) and clean the room from these "rats" (being bad thoughts about yourself, which bite you and make you bleeding, attracting other rats...).
I think you might be closer to this positive turning point in your life with every moment 💜 👍
Girl, I know I may not be able to feel exactly what you're going through but lately I've been going through something similar. I've had to scrub my body while crying in the shower but I still can't wash off the guilt and disgust. I'm here with you though and its not your fault ❤
Girl, I know I may not be able to feel exactly what you're going through but lately I've been going through something similar. I've had to scrub my body while crying in the shower but I still can't wash off the guilt and disgust. I'm here with you though and its not your fault ❤
@sllii2 You are worthy of love and respect, and it’s okay to set boundaries for yourself even if that feels new or difficult. You're allowed to take your time to heal and explore who you are outside of the expectations of others.What you’re describing could stem from a combination of things—trauma, feeling isolated, or trying to find validation in ways that ultimately leave you feeling empty. It's completely understandable that, after experiencing hurt and feeling misunderstood, you might look for connection in ways that aren't healthy for you. But none of this means you are broken. It just means you’re struggling to find your way to the love and respect you truly deserve,im here to talk about it always
