Divorce advice
I’m considering divorce but am naturally scared. I worry about my kids and the impact on them. The one thing that I hope though about is potential to be with someone who also wants to be together. It’s been a very hard last 6-8 years, with the last 1-2 being even more difficult. I hear that divorce is the worst though and I know people who say they were at their lowest (albeit they were the ones being served papers). I just wonder if through divorce though there can be some type of weight lifted? Has anyone been through divorce and, outside of all the logistics of it, kind of lived a more exciting life soon after? I think of just traveling and getting out more, while still taking care of the kids (I’m a dad who does most the kids stuff and a lot of the house stuff, but am in a state where it’s impossible for a man to get full custody) on joint custody. I fear mostly for my kids though and have been trying to ‘wait’ it out but would have a few more years until they’re all at least 18 and able to move on to college.
I just feel lost though. We are doing couples therapy again (with a much better therapist albeit), but my wife just still doesn’t seem to show a ton of interest in being together, except when we are in the therapy session, but then it’s just back to normal.
I just wondered if there are some more brighter divorce experiences?
@honestGlobe7898
I'm sorry you are struggling with this 🩷
I hope that someone who has been through similar is able to share their experiences with you, to give you clarification and peace of mind, genuinely wishing you the best, regardless of your decision 🩵🤗
@honestGlobe7898 I've never been divorced so maybe what I say here holds no weight. I just felt the need to reply to your post.
Soooo... divorce may very well be one of the hardest thing. Who knows? Not I. But what I do know is how hurtful and sad the state your marriage is in to even contemplate it. Also, what I know is that marriage takes work and it's one of the hardest decisions we have to make! With that said, it can only work and thrive when both parties want it to. Kids are not enough to keep 2 people together.
Who knows what life will be like for you if you get a divorce. I get it-- sometimes it's nice to dream and envision this whole new life divorced, single, free.... free from the stressors of now. But you've got to know that things won't always be like this. It's hard to see it now. Sometimes 2 people are in a rut and can't seem to get out of it. This is where support, understanding, and unconditional love come into play.
You and your partner are not the same people you were when you first met. Life comes with stress. You have your struggles. And your partner may be having their share of battles. Whatever it is, this is something you both have to discuss wholeheartedly. From what I've found, marriage counseling never worked for me. It was often a blame game. Men and women are just different and sometimes it's hard to mesh... where people may not understand.
How bad do you want your marriage? Have you truly gotten to the point where you are willing to throw it away? I never recommend people staying in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage. But I do recommend that people give time for their partner and themselves to heal... to find love again together... to forgive.
Marriage requires the decision to love unconditionally, acceptance, sacrifice, compromise, trust, honesty, forgiveness, and so much. It takes work and a lot of it. Divorce requires no work at it. It's the easy way out, I would think. But the question still is whether it would be the worst thing ever or if your life would thrive more? Would you really be happy because of a marital status change?
Remember too-- kids are involved. You would still have dealings with your partner or ex partner... kids deserve access to both parents even if the marriage didn't work out.
Only you can decide what's best. I don't know if you believe in God, but if you do-- He would be a great start to go to for answers. You've got some thinking to do. I wish you the absolute best for your marriage and family life. I hope everything works out for you. Take care.
Thank you so so much for this. These are excellent words of advice and things for me to ponder. I have been thinking lately that marriage maybe just takes a lot more work than I have considered and with us becoming different people (like you mentioned) than who we were when first married, it’s really got to be the most challenging relationship dynamic to figure out. I believe in God and have been praying so much. I hope things turn out just in a direction where there is more peace and the burden is made light. Thank you again!
I added a thought to my initial post as I read it again it’s not what I wanted to convey! For some reason my reply went to myself LOL
I agree relationships where only one person does the heavy lifting can be exhausting (speaking from my experiences as well) you are mentally in a good place!
Stay positive and as you said let God guide and help you
The hard part is remembering your partner cannot define or control who you are and will become
Only you can do that and once you get that it’s very much a relief!
Prayers and hugs for you!
I can comment that nope no brighter situations for you except that I did make it through my first divorce was married 12 years, remarried and after 28 years he is acting like your wife, pretends to or is conflicted about staying together and won’t go to therapy! I would say focus on repairing you first. Then you can look at your marriage in a better light. I am learning the fact that my husbands doubt and lack of faith in me is his truth not mine! If you understand that then you can delve into the relationship aspect and ask if your wife is toxic for you? Would splitting be healthier for you and the kids? Even take a coparenting class if you choose to divorce, it helps the kids if the mom and dad focus on them and not on what went wrong in the marriage. Sending happy thoughts for you and self healing!
I should clarify and there is a brighter future and sorry about that first line of nope no brighter situation for you!
That is incorrect!
The brighter future is that you are recognizing what your partner does and how it negatively affects you! That’s the downside
The upside and brighter future is the fact you see it now so you can take actions to protect your own mental health and remember that person you chose to spend your life with at that time does not define who you are NOW!
You define that