Do I take a backseat from my relationship?
I’ve (26F) been feeling lonely in my relationship with my partner (27M) for 2 years. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs. He’s kind at heart and is a really great friend, but sometimes I think he’s just not as in love with me as I am OR maybe he just can’t adjust to my love languages. We have communication issues (he tends to avoid talking about our problems and feelings while I want to figure things out before it reaches an impasse). Our major problems tend to turn into impasses and I feel so alone.
Our major issues stem from 1) his communication skills, and 2) his hyper dependency on his friends. His friends are cool and we all get along but my partner tends to disregard me whenever it involves them. We’ve broken up over these and he tried to win me back for months. When I thought he changed, I gave him another chance. Now, it seems like he’s slipping back. He has improved a lot and I know growth isn’t linear, but my therapist and doctor are getting concerned because my depression relapsed because of him. My doc is hinting that I should leave him while my therapist is suggesting to just take a backseat.
TL;DR: My partner prioritizes his friends over me and it made my depression relapse. Should I take a backseat or just cut it?
@Ysha
If you take the backseat ... you better enjoy that view as you will not be in front again ...
learning to communicate is vital also not optional .... i find many men claim they never learned how or they are not comfortable and so they get a pass on it.... if important they will learn
you should be a priority over friends at least half the time............. and if always the other way it will reach a point where you will question when is my turn.... ? by the time you do ... i can almost see you looking elsewhere for a person who does make you a priority.
this behavior does not stop IMO ... my spouse has been prioritizing work / hobbies and such over me
i thought i could deal with it............ but i finally saw with him i would never be his choice and i deserve to be #1 in someones life/ world. Like your BF spouse wants to not communicate about it and assumes all is ok and acceptable...... because i let it go for too long......
Hi! Thank you for your insight.
I think I worded it wrong, by take a backseat, I mean I’ll put the relationship down on my priority list. I rarely feel like I’m in his front seat any way. I agree with you, I should be a priority at least half the time but I’m just not. Even his friends called him out on it. It’s so frustrating. I don’t like letting problems pass without a proper conversation but he just can’t.
I don’t know what to do. I believe that people CAN change but idk if he truly wants to.
@Ysha
your last line about change also applies to communication ... he can if he wants to.
@Ysha
@Ysha,
it is not his issues only, it's your issues too
You are both different. So the trick is to try to meet halfway.
I can sort of relate to your issue. I've been depressed, I'm the one who wants to sit down and sort things out before they start to life a live of their own, and my wife would withdraw to not let things escalate and try to start from scratch.
Well, by experience I can tell you that's never gonna work.
Sometimes taking a step back, separate, giving each other space helps. And sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes you got into a pattern that is beyond repair.
What you said about love languages, the same. You have yours, he has his. They might differ. So the trick is to both express them so you can address your partner in HIS language and he can address YOU in your language.
Too often, especially when a relationship is under pressure, we speak in OUR language and get frustrated , angry, disappointed, you name it, because we feel not heard and misunderstood. That is because the other listened in her or his own language. No wonder why communication then becomes hard as it's become one way traffic.
Sometimes you might benefit from space, and from help from a relationship therapist. A decent therapist could help you guys to communicate, by understanding each other's needs, expectations, boundaries. To help each other. Just a thought.
I completely agree! I try my best to express with his love language and he says he feels it but has a hard time expressing with my love language. It’s also a struggle of values. I value my individuality and respect while he values loyalty to friends regardless if my boundaries are being stepped on. It’s frustrating. I know I have my faults too. I’m just so lost and lonely. Idk if this is even considered cheating because I want an outlet. I don’t want to open up to my friends that much cause they already dislike him from past issues. I don’t want to put him in a negative light again.
@Ysha You still put him before you, and you care a lot. People around us can see what We couldnt see and Friends are there to support you but the decision is still up to you. Sometimes even if We are hurt, We only see what We wanna see and feel what We wanna feel. But dont ever forget to care for yourself too.
Thank you for your reassurance and sharing your thoughts without the harsh judgement 💕
@Ysha I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging time in your relationship. It's clear that you've put a lot of thought into the dynamics and challenges you're facing with your partner. It's not easy when there are communication issues and a sense of loneliness in a relationship.