Emotional abuse/covert control/narcissist
I need help, either I need to really get out of this rabbit hole of believing these things about my boyfriend of 5 years. Or I need to get out of this relationship. We have a toddler together.
Some background. The first five months were great, I genuinely thought this was it, the love they talk about. I fell fast and I fell hard. Then his ex girlfriend (who thought she was not in fact his ex...) found out he was seeing me. At first I thought she was insane believing they were still together, but now I see that they were both the ones in a horrifically toxic mess and now it's my turn. I trusted him, I ignored her warnings of him being an alcoholic narcissist but now, over 5 years later, I'm seeing it. There have been many instances I could have left, but I gave him chance after chance after chance.
I supported him through the lawyers and claims she made against him, I supported him through his studies and when he wasn't earning much, but apparently the love I was giving him "wasn't as strong as the love she showed him" and he ended up on dating apps to "feel wanted" or to "see if people would still find me attractive". It didn't happen only once, but several times after and even after our daughter was born. But he made me believe I didn't show love enough or I only did it in the wrong ways so I "forgave him" but my nervous system never has so he's right now, I certainly don't show enough love.
He sabotages plans I make with friends or colleagues. He puts down my parenting. He puts down my family. He doesn't help with our daughter other than being silly with her for approximately 15 min a day. He does do most of the cooking, which he often brings up that I should appreciate more. He isn't happy I've started running because it means he doesn't get family time with us (I take our daughter, so he's not burdened with looking after her which he always grumbles about), when I don't go running he's sitting on his playstation, outside on the bbq, or playing guitar.
He's threatened break ups, abandoned me in a mall, a park, a beach, a foreign country (actually all of its been foreign, we live abroad).
The closest we've been to a breakup is when I told him how many people I'd slept with because he pressured me into sharing because he's open about his past. Despite my number being lower than his he lost all respect for me and completely destroyed my self worth. And then I got pregnant. I'm so grateful for our child and wouldn't want that gone, but I wish I stood my ground sooner.
But somehow after all this I still believe oh no I'm not doing enough for this relationship, I'm not a loving person, I'm not giving him opportunities to be a present father, I'm not planning enough family time, I'm spending too much time out running (once or twice on weekend mornings).
Yesterday he spoke very rudely to me in front of our child, once they were asleep I went and told him he can't keep speaking to me like that especially in front of our child. His response was that it was pointless bringing it up hours later and that I need to bring it up at the right time.
How do I move forward. If being in a "relationship" is this hard, how can co-parenting work. I don't want to keep him out of our child's life, I definitely wouldn't do that. But truly, how do I do this? I don't even know how the conversation would start or end.
I've told some trusted friends and my Mum knows some, but not all.
Or as I said, maybe it's not all him, maybe I am a huge factor in the way things play out with us and I'm not self aware enough. I know I'm terrible at communication.
Help. Thank you.
@lightPlane365
We cannot change others only ourselves. Any change or improvement he needs to make he has to change for himself. people use tactics and some will straighten up for short time but not stick with it.
No matter how much you do for him it will not be enough. he is confident you would forgive any wrong.... if he really thought others would be better, he would leave but he knows others would not put up with his BS.
Once we see how many chances and forgiveness, we have given ... we cannot unsee it... I think of those books " where's waldo" on a page once you find Waldo you go right to him every time you see that page.
I think deep down we know what we want to do... time served in relationship is not a real reason to endure more.... your child sees and knows far more then you realize and someday will ask why you stayed. Imagine down the road would you want her to endure the same in her relationship?
You're right. I know other people would not put up with it, he knows it too. That makes me feel more convinced of how awful it all is but also makes me sadder that if we end things he will be alone. I still don't want that for him. I want us both to be happy, but we're not doing that for each other. We're not the people we thought we were falling in love with I suppose.
Having a child is exactly what's making me try be more firm and have more boundaries. My Mum stayed in a bad marriage and clearly I've copied her in withstanding too much, and now I fear I'll do the same to my daughter. I don't know why he doesn't see how he treats me and speaks to me as something so badly when he's doing it in front of her. It's like he's blind to it. He has moments of clarity every so often where he goes into deep remorse over what he does but then it doesn't last.
I don't know what steps to take next. I'm scared for his reaction.
@lightPlane365
I can relate to that I too put up with too much early on. What I regret now is all the time I wasted waiting for change. waiting for the right moment or way to reach him.
There is NO easy way or right way to simply and clearly share your boundaries and your thoughts. The one thing I would say is talk when there are no distractions. phones or other things off. give each other a time to speak using the "I feel" and avoiding the "you always" type statements. Ask for active listening so you are heard and you hear them without practicing a gotcha response. try to keep calm and voice even.
TIME is our most valuable asset we cannot make more we cannot slow it down... you both deserve to be happy and loved.
As time went on, I realize I love my spouse as a friend but am not in love with him anymore. I am mad at myself for not choosing me and kids earlier. My kids are older they want nothing to do with him and have no respect for him. He KNOWS this and it kills him but there is no do-over.