False hope
So im just stuck in my head as to wether these thoughts, my positive actions, my stuffing of possibilities, my rational thoughts vs my irrationality is creating/manifesting false hope within my mind. Im not sure what to think, she still has me shut out, i have been doing much more, offering assistance, guidance, or atleast someone to talk to...it seems that we are clise to square one. Should i just stop everything, say F it...it doesnt even matter any more? Shkuld i keep pressing on simply due to a small possibility of this working out? Im tired, im tired of feeling alone (outside of 7 cups)...im so close to just throwing in the towel...but i just cant seem to bring myself to actually do it...i know you guys are probably tired of my redundant posts but damn, i just need that one nonexistent magic answer that would just solve this BS situation... much love for you guys and gals that have bee trying to help me through this...im so torn...im destroyed more each day....its a pathetic situation that im continuing to live through...FML!
@Ryan575
Your situation is complicated and here's why. On the one hand, you want to quit because you're tired of it all, but on the other hand, you continue because (?) you hope for something. I won't advise you on one thing, I just want to say that any choice will have its pros and cons. Whatever you choose, no matter how you act. So trust your heart. Other people's advice will never be yours, and you will never fully trust it. Sometimes you need to make a decision yourself, and I hope you become stronger for it!
@Ryan575
I know you have been doing a lot to appease her ... to win her back. if you talk have you told her how you really feel? How lonely you are?
Ask her to put herself figuratively in your place if the situation was reversed?
I am sure you have told and shown her that you love her... but the BS takes time.
it is like someone planning something in their head ........ now it sounds like reality is changing ... she may feel used or stupid for believing this person who is not available...ON vacation with HIS wife.... we cannot just shut off emotions ... she may be embarrassed to come to you and ask for forgiveness knowing she hurt you ... she may cling to this was real because she is a smart woman that would not be fooled or faked by a married man that had no intention of making it real.
Yes, i have had those talks with her. It seemingly means very little or possibly nothing at all to her. She doesnt offer significant responses to those topics. Maybe "seeds" get planted and it makes her think about things, i dont know...she never covers those topics with me to a point in which i can feel her empathy...most of the time, she hasnt had anything to say about my position in this whole thing. She has said that she knows that how this has happened is "bad" and that she has felt "bad" that this is going on...but it changes nothing...she has never said that she is "sorry" for any of it. I have said that im Sorry for things throughout our entire marriage. She however, almost never says the word sorry for anything...its an extremly rare occurrence...i dont know why that is other than based on my what i would say is a pretty safe assumption, shes not sorry. I dont know...it sucks. Maybe she is sorry for things internally but she never expresses it vocally...some people are like that i suppose. I however need the words. Its important for me to hear them, but they never happen.
@Ryan575
I can relate my spouse is the same....... i have apologized over the years for things i was sorry about and all i get back is "I never meant it that way.." or "i was taking something too personal". i have heard oh that was bad what i did before also..... NOT that he was sorry..... some people if strong willed do NOT like saying they were wrong. my mother was like that also.
Saying sorry and meaning it is admitting you made a wrong or poor choice I often thought it was spouses narcissist issues. I have found in dealing with him I had to ask thing straight out "WHY do you never say you are Sorry?" Have to ask him to put himself in my position and see from someone else's perspective. IT sucks when we have to ask for them to be empathetic to for a moment not to be self centered.
I too hoped planting seeds was enough but hard to tell... telling my spouse with examples of his selfish behavior helped but confronting partners is playing with fire....... not addressing it IMO is telling them we are willing to be dumped on again. Even if we love them it does not give them the pass to use us as a doormat or a fallback position.... she should try to win you back.
@Ryan575
It is MORE then OK to ask for the words and things you need....... do not shelve those until things are " better" ...... or the "right" time .............. There is no right time or when things settle down we do not speak up to not break what was just put together again.
People talk but rarely communicate anymore...... in this type situation. our feelings ...our needs deserve MORE then a head nod or an "i know" ....... we need to see they truly hear and feel what we are saying.
Maybe she felt ignored or unappreciated. before .. that does not give her the right to do same back to you. considering she already punished that by seeking validation elsewhere ....
I used to think my spouse from all he has done deserved me talking with someone else ... if he had found out .......who cared because I was angry and mad. I now see his pain would not fix mine.... only made a bigger mess to clean up if we stay together.