Family members don't respect my boundaries
I feel so a'gry about this. My family members never respect my boundaries. I am already low contact with them, but whenever I do talk with them I end up being sad and upset. They don't understand the concept of boundaries and that they can't do whatever they want to other people. It truly makes me sick being around them. They are like little kids that think they are allowed to do anything! Growing up in this family I never even knew that a thing such as boundaries existed.
Now that I am taking the time to heal I am actively working on my boundaries.
My family just doesn't get that.
They lack basic empathy and jut can't comprehend that other people can think or feel things differently.
It's so upsetting.
It's like talking to toddlers that have a meltdown when you say no.
I should really talk to them less and put in place some strategies to better protect my mental health from them.
Do you have any tips on how to protect yourself from people that always cross your boundaries? I can't go full no contact with my family because we live in the same city and I just don't want to cut ties completely yet.
But I've been thinking about calling them less often to just protect my energy.
It's just not worth trying to get a mature reaction from such people.
I am incredibly upset right now because my boundaries have been violated again by my family this morning and I feel so powerless. It makes me feel hopeless because even if I don't live with them anymore it is as though they have still psychological power over me.
@Vector5
HI there.
I can totally relate to having family members who negatively impacted my mental health but not wanting to totally go no contact.
Here's something that helped me. I can't remember if I read it or saw it somewhere, or even who it was, but they said the key is to be consistent. The example was someone who keeps saying something you find offensive. The advice was to give one warning, and then follow through, eg, on the phone "I find zyx offensive. If you ever say zyx again I shall put down the phone." And when they say zyx, you immediately put down the phone, no comment. Or if you are face to face "I find zyx offensive. If you ever say zyx again I shall walk out."
It's really not easy to do. It's quite important to stay calm and not get angry. So anger management skills are really useful. Gosh, didn't I struggle with those! Also needs really strong familiarity with what the boundaries are in the first place, so it's great that you are already working on that.
But it does mean that you can continue trying to communicate, just accepting communications might be very short for a while. And of course there is a risk that the family member might decide that cutting people off is easier than respecting the boundaries of others. They have every right to set boundaries as well.
And, in fact, I can't say I've managed it. But it did give me the courage to believe in myself and respect my values so that one day I said "no". It caused trouble. Communication was very rocky for years. But it's improving and there is new understanding.
Going no contact is a valid option, that is totally the right option for some. But I don't believe it is the only option. Keep looking after your mental health. You have great self awareness, that I think will stand you in good stead. You are right, and very normal, to find this frustrating. But I see you trying to be the change you want to see and that is a powerful path to be on.
Love and best wishes.
@Clio9876
Thank you so much for your message.
I do struggle with keeping calm when talking to them. I am highly reactive and in the moment when someone tells me something that makes me upset I can easily lash out. I feel bad about it.
When I was a teenager I was in constant fights with my family because I wouldn't tolerate their behavior and didn't want to be their life size doll that does whatever they want. I still struggle to control my anger. I also have cptsd from my childhood so it all adds up.
I really want to learn how to be calm when they cross my boundaries. Lashing out makes only the situation worse.
But it's the only way I dealt with this kind of situation and I don't know how can I do things differently.
I tried breathing exercises and journaling but it doesn't help. It just doesn't make the anger go away and makes me feel like it it eating me alive.
Do you have any specific techniques or advice for this issue?
I also am currently working on stopping expecting emotional support from my family members . I am slowly getting to accepting them as they are. I was living in denial for way too long and now I just want to stop hoping that one day they will become emotionally supportive.
@Vector5
I'm wary about giving advice. We are all different, what works for one person doesn't always work for another. Only you know what is right for you. But for you to find what's right for you, you need options, so I'm happy to share things that have helped me, and you can decide if they are any use to you.
A person on here called Elliot taught me this phrase "this feeling is valid and I'm going to experience it to the full". Lots of people will tell you that your anger is valid. This was the first to suggest I allow myself to fully feel it. There's a lot of fear of anger. I was encouraged to forgive, or "find peace" and at first I had to mentally say "no, I'm angry, and it's OK to be angry, and I'm just going to be angry for a bit"
The trick is to be angry, without collateral damage. To find ways to express the anger, without hurting others. Venting on here, spray painting my drive, wailing in the forest, I tried a few. But actually, often just saying to myself "I'm allowed to be angry" was enough to shift my mental state to "but what do I want to do about it"
Related to that is something someone else told me : 99.9% of aggression is due to fear". I found that to deal with the anger I had to confront my fears. I had a reputation as "the strong one" and I had to discover exactly what rubbish that was and how driven by fear I was. I found completing these helpful:
I'm angry because....
I'm disappointed because...
I'm sad because...
I'm afraid of...
I need to....
The breathing and other mindfulness exercises did not come easily to me either. I had to persist a long time before I started seeing results. But every now and again I'll think " breathe!", take a big breath and feel better. Tensely holding it in has been such a habit for a long time, that learning to relax and let go is taking just as long.
There's a mindfulness group that meets in 7 cups every Monday 3:30pm EDT. Have you discovered them? There's days when I'm not in the mood, days when it seems boring and pointless because I'm doing fine, and days when it is just plain annoying. But it also just starts seeping in and changing my life.
Google is great for options too. Of course you have to be even more careful what you read there, but there's some great ideas out there to try.
And books. Crucial Conversations I found to be a good one for learning how to handle difficult conversations.
And don't forget to remind yourself how amazing you are. You still care for your family, even when they have caused you lots of distress. You want to learn how not to lash out. Just wanting to is the most important part. You will, because you want to. In my experience, it'll take forever and you will make so many mistakes when you'll revert to old habits, you'll wonder who you are kidding. But don't forget to celebrate the successes, however small.
Good luck
@Clio9876
Thank you so much for your response.
Lately I noticed I am stuck between two extremes when it comes to my anger. Either I bottle it up and start to become bitter or I express it a bit too much and create damage in my relationships.
I will try my best to express it on a more healthy way and try to channel it productively.
Maybe I should give breathing exercises another try but for now they make me even angrier. They feel useless and unproductive.
It feels like the energy I get from my anger just goes nowhere.
I also been only doing self help and I think that therapy may be beneficial for me.
I feel scared of trying it again because I had horrible experiences but I feel stuck now and I want to feel better.
Thank you so much for all your tips, I will try to implement them and see what works for me.
@Vector5
Breathing exercises made me more angry too, lol. I believe the anger was trying to tell me something. So, when I was trying to get rid of it before I had listened to it, it got worse. I relate a lot to your situation. I was angry about having to be the grown up when the adults around me had failed to be the grown ups. I felt that this was very unfair of them. It was unfair of them. It was unfair that someone expected me to do things they themself were incapable of. And they didn't, and still don't, recognise the burden they placed on me. This is unfair. And this injustice was what was driving my anger. I'm mostly at peace with it now. But I had to recognise that it was unfair, and that it was reasonable, no, I was right, to feel angry about that, before the anger would let me go.
I did some forgiveness worksheets that made me more angry too, lol. But each time I try, it shakes something a bit looser.
I'm sorry you had a bad experience with therapy. Therapy has really helped me, so I'm a believer in it and think it's great you are considering it. I've had some that are more helpful than others, so it doesn't surprise me that some are unhelpful. And it's so frustrating sometimes that a good therapist doesn't actually fix anything, they support the client to do the fixing. Soo many times I was like "just give me the answer!!!"
It seems to me that you are doing great with the self help. Therapy might get you there sooner, but I have a strong feeling you will get there anyway.
I want to thank you for this conversation. Its getting me to look back at where I was. And thus I'm seeing where I am now, and that is a nice comparison. I still get angry at times at people, I make mistakes and the old habits pop back, but it's good to be reminded that, despite the regret of those mistakes, I'm still making progress. Thanks and best wishes.
@Clio9876
You described exactly how I feel about it. That's why I'm angry because of the injustice. I had to basically parent myself and I never got a "refund". Now I'm an adult and obviously I won't have a second go at my childhood. Yes I can still do activities that will bring joy and peace to my inner child but I will never ever have a complete redo of my childhood and some days I'm OK with it, but some days when I remember what I've been through I'm just overwhelmed with anger and sometimes even rage.
I already noticed that it's some sort of coping mechanism for pain. My brain just gets angry because the pain I experienced is too much to handle for it now.
The problem is as I never fully worked on all of this things can set me off pretty quickly.
And I've been followed by a string of bad luck lately with a log of overwhelming things happening causing further damage to my emotional state.
It's event that would make everyone upset but as I'm in such a vulnerable state it makes things 10 times worse.
I' m just upset that after escaping my trauma now regular people trigger me so bad.
I wish I could live in a world where nobody could trigger me but that's not realistic. And anyways running away from my triggers only make them stronger and I need to learn how to safely confront them.
I am so glad that there is a lot of self help available because without it I don't know what I would have done.
The therapists I saw were all terrible and some invalidated my trauma.
One "therapist" told me that some people are starving and homeless and I have a better situation compared to them.
That was such a dumb thing to say.
Now looking back I know he did not want to hurt me saying this but it was very painful to hear in the moment.
So I'm pretty terrified of giving therapy a go because I'm scared all my work will be destroyed by a bad therapist.
Where I live therapy is not that mainstream and people don't even know what a good therapist actually is.
I will see if I feel like going to therapy or not but in the meantime I will continue to do my best with self help.
Thank you so much for your message. I really appreciate it and it made me reflect on things I needed to reflect on so thank you. Have a great day!
@Vector5
"now regular people trigger me.."
How about using that to your advantage? For me, trying new things out on relationships that meant a lot to me was rather risky. So I used "regular" people. The random person met on the street who I was unlikely to ever see again. Or the colleague at work i had never got along with - that's a relationship I could hardly make worse, and if it did by chance make it better, bonus.
They gave me opportunities to try things I'd never tried before. And if the outcome wasn't great, oh well, I'd just try something different next time.
"Where I live therapy is not that mainstream..."
That's a real bummer. In a way we are lucky to live in a time when it exists at all. My mum wanted help, but there was nothing available then.
Perhaps you haven't discovered that you can do therapy through 7 cups? It means you can chose a therapist from anywhere in the world! I think it is great, you get to hear different ideas from different cultures and pick the one that works best for you. My culture is quite repressive about feelings. Having a therapist from a culture that is much more open and expressive was challenging at times, but it allowed me to see a very different way of being from the one I was brought up surrounded by. Its hard to continue to believe in "you shouldn't share that kind of thing" when you hear about people doing exactly that, and living wonderfully successful lives.
@Clio9876
That's a great idea. I actually thought about talking to people more and go out more of my comfort zone. And you're right, if it's a stranger at a bar it's fine. Even if I'm awkward they will forget about me.
I saw that there is a therapy option on 7 cups but I am hesitant to try it.
I tried therapy through better help and it did not help me at all. The therapist was nice and compassionate but didn't give me any tools to actually feel better so I decided to stop.
I found a psychiatrist in my area that specializes in depression and anxiety and I scheduled an appointment with him.
The thing is I am so terrified that it will make me feel worse. I've been kind of managing ok on my own and I'm scared that going deep into my traumas will make me completely destabilized.
I'm just scared. But I also don't want to live my whole life being scared of therapy.
I'm not sure what to do..
I just wish I had a supportive family that alone would do wonders for my mental health.
@Vector5
Oh, and you reminded me of this!
https://www.7cups.com/forum/35plus/General_2431/TheSEALtechnique_308923/
Thank you so much for the memory. 🐧
@Clio9876
Thank you! I doubt it will help me though because lately my anger issues have been so strong. But I will give it a try.
@Vector5 Hey Vector. I totally understand how you feel. The best thing to do is relax and not allow them to bother you. They are the problem not you. You don't have to earn their respect or hope they come to their senses. You do you and keep trucking forward. Thanks for telling us :)
@WellsFiction
Thank you! I am now aware that I need to get the validation I crave from myself, but sometimes I just go back wanting really badly my family to notice me and care about me.
@Vector5 Hello again, Vector. I have the same issue with certain family members of my family too. It's very frustrating. I'm an empath, so it feels like my emotions are being absorbed by them. It's hard. I'm trying to understand how to handle this situation better, but the answer seems to be hard to find. Keep sticking up for yourself, friend :)
@WellsFiction
I'm an empath too and I understand exactly what you said.
I feel like I absorb people's emotions but also like other people can absorb mine and drain me. Kind of like emotional vampires.
I'm very low contact with all my family. It's so terribly lonely but an exponential improvement compared to how my mental health was when I was still living with them and interacting daily.
The next step for me is to find some support because being alone with no family support is really painful.
I'm glad to know i'm not alone in this.
I hope things will be better for both of us🤎
I will try to find some online ressources about how to protect my energy from people like this. If I find something interesting I will share it with you.
@Vector5 Awesome! Sounds great. I forgot I had already posted here a few days ago. My mind does that sometimes lol. Keep your chin up, friend. We're going to get through this. I'm learning the more I face this challenge the stronger I'm becoming. Take care :)
