Fighting
I've been fighting with my current partner a lot recently. Last night he blew up on me and said I over react to a lot of stuff and that's why he can't talk to me. He says he doesn't know if he's gonna get the joking side of me or if he's going to get me emotional and a fight will start.
I don't try to start fights with him. I always feel like I come to him civilly. I have really bad anger issues but I've learned how to manage them through breaks so sometimes I tell him I need a second to calm down, I don't think that should label me as emotional but I also don't want to dismiss his feelings.
I tried talking to him last night after calming myself down but he just ignored me and went to sleep without even saying goodnight.
The part that worries me the most though is the fact that throughout fights we'll tell each other "I love you" so the other knows we're still there. And that the fight is happening so we can improve and be better. But everytime I said it he ignored me. He still hasn't said it but he woke me up to tell me he was heading to work and kissed me. I don't know if this means anything.
I'm worried this means our relationship is ending but I don't want it to. I love him so much. He's been there for me when I had no one else, it breaks my heart to know he doesn't feel like he can come to me. And I almost feel like it'd be better if we weren't together so he could find someone who he can talk with like that..
@LowlyLobster hello Lobster, it sounds as though you're going through a tough time in your relationship right now. It is difficult when we feel that we're being reasonable and measuring our responses, and our partner isn't seeing that. When we're left nonplussed by a lukewarm reaction to our attempts to reconcile, it creates further confusion and a sense of rejection. What immediately stands out from your post is that you're having recurrent arguments; Are you able to identify what the fights are about? Is it the same issue or different ones each time? What are you getting from constant conflict? Arguments point to deeper communication problems that aren't being addressed. It's great that you want to be there for your partner as they were for you previously; Are you able then to aapproach this as an issue for you both to tackle, rather than one of partners pitched against each other? I've linked to the 7cups guide to family stress, which covers problem solving, effective communication and conflict resolution. Wishing you the best in navigating through this; you have the support of this community.
https://www.7cups.com/family-stress/
I really appreciate the advice. I actually sat down with him last night and expressed my concern with how often we had been fighting. We're both under a lot of stress right now and have been taking it out on each other. We've put a system in place so we relieve that stress in healthier ways an set up new boundaries for behavior we don't find acceptable in the relationship. Some are just habits that need to be broken down so we're in a bit of a forgiveness period as we both get used to the new way we need to move forward. We had the first good night we've had in days. We're still both really young (19 & 20) and just don't have our communication fully laid out. He hasn't had a lot of relationship experience and on the flip side I have to much so I have a lot of trust issues while he doesn't fully know how a partnership goes. We're recognizing were we fall flat and trying to overcome it but it'll be a process.
@LowlyLobster it is very encouraging to hear that you've been able to discuss this and formulate a 'plan of action' - it then becomes both of you versus the problem, rather than you two against each other. Again, sending you my best wishes - you're navigating this together now, but as always, the community remains here if you need us.
@LowlyLobster
I too have heard the not knowing if they get the fun person or the mad person.... i am dealing with anger in relationship too. All too often the "fights" are not about what the small thing that set it off but a bigger issue. If you want it to stop the root cause must be addressed. It took me time to realize the things that I got mad about, deep down showed lack of respect and lack of thought.
It does not matter if we think we came at it in a civil manner if that is NOT how they view it period. It is not a debate. The longer this goes the harder it will be to reconnect. One option is couples counseling is like having a referee to keep us on track in discussion not go you "one time you did" this type of thing.
Breaks do not work long term I did that for a long time sure the irritants are not present but walk into home and they are still there. I had to do a lot of review and saw how I view it was so different then his view.... Example last week he thought he was doing something great doing laundry and dishwasher for me .... except it was right as i was going into shower .... so now freezing cold...It was hard to see "it was the thought that counts" .