Found out my fiancé was subscribing to Onlyfans
My fiancé and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. Our relationship has been as close to perfect as a relationship could be. I have never had a reason not to trust him. When we first stared dating he voluntarily gave me the password to his phone. I never went through his phone as I have never felt the need to check up on what he was doing. About 2 months ago, I told him I needed to use his phone to look up something on the internet. He gave me the phone, no problem. When I opened Google there were a few sites saved on his home page and Onlyfans was one of them. I was completely blindsided by this because I never had any reason to believe this was something he would be doing. When I confronted him about it he tried to act like it was “just porn” and that “all men do this” and he didn’t find anything wrong with what he was doing. He swears it didn’t change the way he looked at me and that it was “just fantasy”. He had been paying for content and chatting with these girls. We have had a very healthy sex life our entire relationship so I have struggled to understand why he had been doing this. Looking into it deeper, I found that this had been going on our entire relationship. He told me he was doing this because there were things that he wanted that I was not doing for him. He was also following close to 2300 thirst traps on *** and close to 9000 on ***. I went on his phone and deactivated all of his socials and his Onlyfans but I still don’t trust him and am having a very hard time keeping myself from checking his phone when he is sleeping or when he is not around. He also gets very upset with me when I try to talk to him about it and feels like I should just get over it. This has truly devastated me and I feel like I am spiraling and I don’t know how to get past this. He seems to have been making an effort to regain my trust, I haven’t found anything new in checking his phone lately, but I still can’t stop thinking about what he has already done. Will I ever be able to move past this or is this going to destroy my relationship?
I have been married to my husband for 19 years. 2 years ago I found out he was texting several women. It was women that worked at businesses he delivered to. These were sex texting. It devastated me.
Before we got married I found a number in his wallet. I flipped out on him. He said that it was a girl he had kept her number in case we split up. I worked through it because I thought we were a strong couple. We never fought. Got along great.
It’s him. He is broken. You could be the most perfect person ever and he still would have done what he did. I wish someone told me that the red flags we see in the beginning are the red flags you will deal with later down the road. In my case it was 17 years, 2 kids, and a house later.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
@selfdisciplinedSail7661
First, I just want to say I see your pain, and it is so real. What you’re feeling is not crazy, dramatic, or "too much." When someone we trust so deeply breaks that trust, it shakes the very ground we stand on. Especially when you've spent years building a relationship that felt safe, open, and full of love.
You’re not just hurting because of the act itself you’re hurting because something sacred to you was treated carelessly. Your relationship wasn't just physical, it was emotional, spiritual, built on trust. And finding out that he was hiding this part of his life, especially for so long, feels like betrayal, even if he tries to minimize it. It makes total sense that your mind can’t just “move on” because your heart hasn’t healed yet it still has a deep, raw wound.
Healing from this kind of breach is not about checking his phone enough times that you finally feel “sure.” It’s about whether he is showing you, consistently and with real humility, that he understands what he’s done, that he is willing to earn back your trust, not just expect it. And it’s about whether you can, eventually, feel safe again not just hope to feel safe, but actually know that you are.
You deserve a relationship where your heart doesn’t have to live in fear, where your pain is met with compassion, not defensiveness. It's okay if you're not ready to "get over it" real healing takes time, and it’s not something you can be rushed through. And honestly, it's not your responsibility to fix what you didn't break.
You are not alone, and you are not broken for feeling devastated. Whatever choice you make, whether you stay and rebuild or decide that you deserve more peace than this relationship can offer, you are strong, you are worthy of loyalty, and you are enough exactly as you are.
Please be gentle with yourself right now. You’re carrying a lot of heartbreak that you didn’t ask for and you don’t have to carry it alone.
Would you like me to also suggest a few words you could tell yourself when the spiraling gets really bad? Something comforting to hold onto?
Thank you so much for this. I have struggled for as long as I can remember with my self esteem and have been in several abusive relationships and until recently, this man was the only one who made me feel good about myself and me feel safe. That is one of the biggest reasons this is so hard to move past because I never expected this from him. Now I am back to feeling like I am not enough because the only person that ever made me feel like I was hurt me in this way. I could definitely use some things to remind myself that I am going to be ok, especially when I start to spiral. That would be extremely helpful.
I think that he must recapacitate and understand that he is hurting You so much.He need to madurate to do this.Maybw he is not madure fir this relationship. Tell him that he is hurting You and ask him if You we're suscripted to only fans what Will be his reaction?
I think that he must recapacitate and understand that he is hurting You so much.He need to madurate to do this.Maybw he is not madure fir this relationship. Tell him that he is hurting You and ask him if You we're suscripted to only fans what Will be his reaction?
@selfdisciplinedSail7661
Many have been in your shoes and find their partner is watching something or texting chatting with someone. Not just guys either. often they are missing something in a relationship.
It sounds like you have started the conversation but have not finished it... leaving it with "just because "or "all guys do this" is not reveling his continued behavior. Deleting apps again is a short term fix. This may take couples counseling to get to the root issues. it has become a habit for him and takes time to undo like any other addiction.
It is a bit fantasy but it is also in cases of chat have someone make a person feel desired and wanted. Everyone likes to be flirted with or complimented etc. It is a business strategy from anyone on Only fans or paid sites it is their Job. Many people lose interest when the realize the person on site has zero interest except if your payment clears.
It will be an uncomfortable conversation for both of you.
Many relationships are not working as well for one partner as the other person thinks it is.
The fun flirty and talk about anything stage fades and it becomes day to day mundane. Sometimes people need to get real and tell their partner what they want not just physically but emotionally as well.
@selfdisciplinedSail7661
Hi Sail, thank you for sharing your situation.
Although it’s clear that your BF was violating an unspoken agreement, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to unilaterally deactivate his socials or check his phone without his consent. Instead maybe you can use this as a chance to tell him what you would need to trust him (could include avoiding certain sites and having you check periodically, with his agreement).
You can also take this time to ask him what you can do to make it a better relationship, whether for sex, communication, etc. this can be a chance for both of you to try for better communication and intimacy. Although it’s a tough situation, can be the stepping stone to a better future for you two together. I hope this helps and I hope your relationship thrives. Take care
@selfdisciplinedSail7661
hi, I recently am going thru something similar to your post. I know your situation was a while ago but I wondered how you handled this over time? I do not mean to bring up negative things but was just looking for advice, I’ve actuality never heard of this site but was looking for help as I have not been able to get this out of my head and move on when I discovered my husbands only fans account two weeks ago. We literally just got married a month ago.. I am just so very hurt and like you, I never thought I had to worry about this with him of all partners. We have a good sex life, love each other (I thought) very much and have been thru very incredibly challenging times together, which I thought made us stronger. I literally feel like the words you wrote are exactly how I feel, totally blindsided. And it wasn’t the fact he was watching porn although I find that disgusting too, it was the fact he was messaging her saying stuff he would say to me, sent a picture of his ***…. I am just so confused. He blamed it on the guys at his work and him being bored at work. Well I look at it differently especially when we were struggling financially also. I think I’m gwtttinf past it and boom it pops back in my head over and over and the messages he sent keep scrolling over and over in my head. How did you deal with this? Did he quit? Are you still together? Were you able to be healthy again and in love again?