Friendly advice please
Hi all, I’m looking for some friendly advice please. found my boyfriend cheating on an online chat forum. For context, we are a gay couple and for the past month, he has been texting men in sexual conversations with random men on this chat forum. He hasn’t cheated physically and has never had these conversations on other social medias just the chat forum. When I found out, I confronted him and he lied, denying all of it, I had to force him to be honest; and then he burst out crying, admitting everything and having a breakdown. It’s been going on a month, and he claims he got addicted to it, sometimes spending 2-3 hours per day on it. In his past relationship, which was very toxic, cheating was involved in both sides (his ex cheated physically and he retaliated by texting other men on dating apps). He says he’s so much happier with me and can’t believe he brought this into our relationship. He says he can’t control himself and that he has a serious problem. He has booked therapy that he wants me to be a part of the process of and claims he will do anything to fix this and he wants nothing but me. Where do I go from here? Is this too much to try forgive? I can’t end up in this situation again. I look through social media, and so many therapists say it’s possible, that they’ve worked with many couple who have gotten through cheating. But then comments just say “once a cheater always a cheater, leave” and it makes me not know what to do
@goodPenguin4686
Honestly the "once a cheater" line while catchy is not true in many cases. The key in my opinion is find the why he is drawn to sex/ flirt talk online. Remember when you first dated fun flirty texts maybe the getting to know you stage holds more excitement and learning something new about someone etc. we change in life why do partners not still want to get to know us. Can you replicate that chat / texts with him? Not sure if you read chats but if you did ... how did talks differ from your relationship? i spoke to therapist who suggested i try to hold same chats with partner. did not work as my partner showed little or no interest in flirting as "we have been together a long time".
Some people I know seem to like the chase... the new relationship type flirting and when in a solid relationship gets too routine and the talk of almost anything is seldom and often assume we just agree or a head nod. This is not saying this is happening in your relationship but just an example of how it happened in my experience.
Example: I once chatted with someone that turned to sex talk I stopped but I realized I missed it because that person listened to me shared basic interests, sharing memories of childhood, current events and even fantasy. This happened when my partner had put our relationship on auto-pilot. They felt asking "how was my day" each evening and "have a good day" in morning was all the discussion we needed. Assumed we felt the same about everything. liked same things stopped listening. Our intimate life was almost non existent and not spontaneous or even fun ....felt as exciting as washing dishes.
Maybe that was enough for them but not me. The fact is decade plus ago they had physically cheated on me. We worked through it but I always had a part of me holding on to that hurt. I did not cross a physical line but feeling how I did ........I could better understand how that could happen and was able to let go of prolonged hurt on past cheat. At the time of the past cheating...... I was going through something deep depression/ work stresses and was a very difficult person to live with and I can see that they felt as they confessed like the relationship was dying. I was not even paying attention to how bad our connection had gotten.
NOT an excuse .....NOT a free pass........ but since things have turned around completely and I was thinking about it... I can see how close I was to crossing a line. I also see how relationship needs work to never be put on auto pilot and check your connection with person do not assume.
@goodPenguin4686
Hey there,
I understand that you love your partner, however, cheating is cheating irrespective of the form it takes. I'm truly sorry that your partner didn't own up to what they did, outright when you initially asked. Forcing the truth out of a loved one can be very heartbreaking.
From my perspective though, I'd say that you should do the following:
1. Take a step back from the relationship and give yourself a week or two to look at everything when tensions aren't high. Reaccessing your feelings, boundaries, values, etc.
2. Remember keywords your partner used to describe what they did like; "addiction", "serious problem" and "can't control my actions". This could mean he is lacking something within his individual life that these online interactions fulfill. The omissions he has made aren't necessarily linked to your romantic relationship but may be an indication of some deeper unresolved issues he has. (From childhood, his previous toxic relationship etc.)
3. Ask yourself if this relationship still aligns with what you want.
Although it is very admirable to stand by your partner when they're going through something tough, there are times when doing that can come at the cost of your sanity, self-worth, and personal identity.
Some more food for thought:
Would your partner be willing and ready to help you through something like this if you were the one who flirted with random men online?
Have you considered the fact that your partner may have manually stimulated himself to the thought of these online men?
If you didn't catch him one month into these flirty chats would he have continued and allowed it to escalate beyond online forums? Or would he have sought therapy when he realized it was becoming an addition?
Is your partner ready to work through whatever issues he has or is he doing it to keep you? (Is his healing journey authentic or forced?)
Does your partner see his actions as problematic? Or does he view them through a different lens? (Like something to boost his confidence or break the monotony of everyday life?)
You are in a difficult spot, hopefully, this helps!
Sending you comfort and warmth
