Gay porn, straight marriage
I have been with my husband over 15 years and on a few instances (maybe 4 times) I have found out that he's secretly watching strong p*rn sites, looking at sexual pictures, all of that. I told him that it's the secrecy and the level of the stuff that I was concerned with, especially with our kids around that might find it on a device. Each time he's promised to stop, and I have always trusted that he will. Despite this, this has happened about 4 times, that I know of anyway.
The most recent time a few weeks back I was using his tablet (with his knowledge and consent) and it flashed up that he'd bought an obviously gay sex toy. Going by past experience I decided to look more closely as i had a feeling there would be more, and discovered he did in fact have more, that he was hiding from me. He also had di*k pics in his gallery (not of his own) and a hidden subscription to a gay magazine. Along with this he had kept an old mobile phone hidden that he says he was using only to watch videos of p*rn to get off.
I have confronted him. I've said I want him to be happy. I told him, if this is what you want, tell me. He says he was just bored and frustrated and he's got rid of everything. He says he'll dedicate to me. He says he's never been physically unfaithful.
I'm concerned he's not really happy. I'm concerned that he's bi or gay and needs to explore this. I feel diminished in myself and like I'm a bit of a fool, really. But I do love him and he's a good father. Nevertheless, I don't want to be trapped in a marriage where I'm just a cover-up for him and where he doesn't love me in the same way. How do I really know?
I have no family or friends to talk this through with and so I need some advice. What do I do from here?
@faithfulBeing2216 thank you for sharing this with the community, being.
i really hope you manage to find the best support possible here :)
@faithfulBeing2216. It’s sounds like he is already exploring being gay or bi from what you are describing here. Even though he hasn’t been physically unfaithful.
The answer of what to do might be different for everyone. You could explore your feelings about it here. Do you think you could stay with him if he is gay or bi?
No. I don't think so. But I'd like a friendly relationship if going another way is his choice. We've been best friends if nothing else.
@faithfulBeing2216,
talk to him.
Maybe it's just fantasies, we all have them, doesn't mean we want to put them in practice.
And maybe he's just not happy and looking for a (fantasy) thrill that temporarily makes him forget his unhappiness.
Not everything is necessarily what it seems. Talk to him, with understanding. No judgment, no jumping to conclusions.
Thank you, we have talked and are talking but he refused to engage with any thoughts of therapy or counselling either joint or separately, he thinks he can simply say that he's thrown it all away and told me he'd stop and so 'why aren't things back to normal?'. I have told him I need time and that forgiving is often quicker than forgetting. He only seems to be interested in when we get sexual and doesn't understand why that reduces to me feeling objectified.
OK so I'm back because I'm angry with myself. We've had a lot of talks about this and how we can move forward and of course I'm believing him, so we ended up back in bed together. It was amazing and very intense. But now we're a few days after that and all the promises are forgotten, and he's back to treating me the same as he always does after we've had sex (I guess because he's satisfied himself for a while). He's snippy, distant, doesn't want to talk or engage. Why do I do it every single time? Why? I ask him what's wrong and then, I've now recognised, he gaslights me by saying things like 'why are you telling me somethings wrong, it's that which puts me in a mood'. Ugh. I'm just so disappointed in myself.
I'm going to keep using this to keep a track, while I can. Last night, I went to bed a bit earlier and he stayed downstairs. Our bedroom is directly above our living area. After about 45 minutes of me being in bed, I could hear something vibrating below me. I messaged him just like, hey, do you know what that is, is someone calling you in an emergency (it's late)? I saw him pick up on my message and then the vibrating stopped! He's like, no I don't hear anything, maybe it's the neighbours, blah blah. Then a few minutes later it started again, so I messaged him back and was like, hey that noise is back are you sure it's not you? Kinda trying to give him a chance to tell me without me being blatant. He still says, no, it's not me but (not coincidentally) the vibrating stopped again as he was messaging me back. I go completely off grid on messages and hide my online and stay quiet, sure enough after about 20 minutes the vibrating is back but a little quieter. It stops after about 25 minutes and then he comes up to bed. I could also hear him making 'sex noises' downstairs, although he was trying to cover them and be quiet. When he came upstairs he was all, so you want to cuddle up?!!
Why can't he see that when he's not honest with me it just devalues me so much. I'm not an idiot, I know he's still got a toy of some sort. Just tell me, we've talked it all out. I've told him it's the lying and the secrecy that really hurts.