Getting closer then pulling away - I am very confused
Very brief background: My partner and I have been together for 3+ years. We are both mid-life, and have both been divorced.
There are so many positive things I can say and so many ways I really appreciate this relationship.
But we seem to go in cycles.
We went from friendship to intimate relationship and I see it like building foundation of companionship, trust, connection, intimacy, etc. And that foundation should stay strong because we feel safe and secure together. My partner, however, seems to appreciate all the foundation parts we've created, but then gets scared and feels the need for time/space/distance.
I find this extremely confusing. It's like being pulled into something that feels great, and then getting pushed away (this has happened repeatedly over the years).
We have talked about it, and I think it really is about him feeling scared of getting "too close" or he doesn't want to feel too dependent on someone else to feel happy. So then he pushes away to "find himself" again. For me, it just feels confusing being repeatedly pushed away.
I am trying really hard to respect his need for time/space/distance. I am trying to focus on my own life and enjoy the time I have to myself. But then, as I'm doing now, I find myself obsessing about what's going on. This doesn't feel healthy, but it seems I have no control whatsoever of the situation. I can say how I feel, but I can't tell him how to process life.
I try to be patient and not push him, just allowing him whatever time he needs. But it's so hard! I actually want to interact. Anything! I think I'm dealing with someone who has some past traumas, trust issues, fear of being hurt, maybe even a little PTSD type issues.
FWIW, he doesn't want to do any sort of couples counseling or personal therapy. He just wants to figure it out on his own.
Okay, so I know I can't change who he is, and I am not ready to give up on this relationship because there are many many many good things about it. I'm just looking for insights or any kind.
Have you been through something like this, from either side?
How do you cope with wanting to be close to someone who is pushing away?
I'll happily consider any tips, advice, etc you have to offer, as long as it's respectful 😕
Thanks.
@GoingInCircles365
i tried to keep it going with a person like that........ it did not improve ...... i gave him space and now realize he was never here totally for me...... you have given tip and space and not improving....... i wish i was at that point instead of now realizing how much time i wasted with someone only half way in.
@toughTiger6481
Thanks for your reply. You have excellent points. Trying to give my all to someone who's just not totally there with me is ultimately a losing battle.
And it doesn't matter anyway because we just broke up, so now I get to ponder this whole situation from a different perspective.
@GoingInCircles365,
I am sorry to hear you broke up. Sometimes it helps to get some space. To heal. To reflect without being the situation.
You might be right regarding trauma. I recognize some of his behavior in my wife.
And there is nothing you can do. Except being kind, gentle, patient. Consistent. Being a safe harbor. And finding a way to deal with your needs.
They say, love yourself first. I agree. Yet we are all human and we all have needs. And we can't always rely on a partner to fulfill those needs. It might, but if a partner has been severely traumatized that might take a long long time.
@dukeofdearham
Thank you. I appreciate your response. You are right-on with your observations and comments.
@GoingInCircles365,
I can totally relate.
My wife (we are separated and will get divorced) is like that. She needs alone time, and even more so if things get tough, personal things or more practical things.
There is much more to my story, but she would withdraw. While I wanted closeness, togetherness, reconnect. She wanted that too but would withdraw for days, weeks, not saying why.
I would express what I needed, at times in a wrong way, and would only push her further away.
It's tough. Hard. I took it personally. Like, "what did I do wrong this time". Or I would feel punished.
Last weeks with her she started to say "it's not you, you did nothing wrong". That, although too late, helped me.
Some people are just like that. They need a lot of space. Alone time. And you have to accept that. They can't be there for you as much as you try to be there for you. And it doesn't mean they don't love you, on the contrary, they might love you too much, need you too much, and don't know how to deal with their emotions, when things get tough, on them, on you, on both of you.
Indeed there might be unresolved issues going on.
I admire you suggesting counseling, he might not be ready for that. Might be too confronting for him.
I don't know whether you guys will ever reconnect. Some relationships are worth fighting for, but you both have to be ready to fight. Don't use words like "you are worth fighting for" though. I did, and it only pushed my wife away.
You might wanna have a talk with him. Not now, give it some time. Tell how you feel. Tell what you need. Ask him what he needs. How he feels. I used to ask my wife the last weeks at her place how she felt. She would reply "ok". And I would ask "how do you really feel" and she would totally open up and we would really talk, listen, understand.
Take care.
@dukeofdearham
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I'm sorry to hear you went through a similar situation, it certainly isn't easy, even trying to make little connections with someone who doesn't want to, or can't for whatever reason, reciprocate.
I'm one of those people who likes my time and space, and seriously do not like other people trying to push into my space if I'm not ready, but I can take just a few hours (as opposed to days or weeks) to come to a place to be ready to talk about it. So I try to respect his time/space, understanding that he needs a long time to recharge.
Interesting you should mention in the last paragraph asking "how do you feel?" Last time I saw him and asked, "How are you doing?" and he said "Let's talk about something else." I suspect he will someday tell me more about it, but for now he continues to keep to himself, and we also just broke up, so I guess that answers any questions I have about what to do about it. How we just have to figure out how to move forward from here.
Also interesting about her telling you that you did nothing wrong, that it wasn't about you. I think my situation might be similar, but more of a mix of his own personal background/history that seems to be haunting him, and some hard to define way that we aren't compatible. I wish I could figure that part out.
@GoingInCircles365,
a lot happened between my and my wife. So she would also withdraw to get away from me, for good reasons. I am not going into details, long story, complicated and irrelevant for you.
Things at the end eased down a bit. I worked hard on myself. She would still withdraw but she started to say "it's not you". That really helped me.
As for compatibility, two people might be compatible. But if one, or both, have unresolved issues, one or both are not compatible with themselves.
If you can't be there for you, you can't be there for anyone else. The only way you can is sit down with your issues and deal with them. Accept them. Don't let them run you. It's as simple as that.
@dukeofdearham
It's true that if one person is dealing with unresolved issues, that creates a lot of background noise, and that affects both people in the relationship.
I would love for us to attend couples counseling together, but I also think he would benefit from developing a good relationship with his own personal therapist to help him deal with his past. Unfortunately, he seems unwilling to do that, although I have asked. It feels pretty sad. I feel like I would do anything I can to help this relationship because I place a tremendous value on it, but I can't do it alone. He needs to be an equal participant if we're going to get through our issues and come out better on the other side.
Right now, we continue to be an unresolved pit of nothingness. Ugh!
Gives me plenty of time to get my own act together.
@GoingInCircles365,
seems you are reading into the situation well.
Me and my wife did counseling and I had my own therapist too, to deal with the aftermath of being in a black hole and anger issues (never been good in boundaries so I cross them and get triggered months after crossing my boundaries).
I did not feel any help from my wife. She had a lot on her plate herself, had found support and kindness with someone else and that bond seemed to have priority for her. Too close a bond so I got triggered, old pains coming out, getting angry at her. I did not know where I stood and counseling seemed to be low on her priority list. As she said, she wanted to do counseling but she had other things to deal with first.
She did trauma therapy for a while after our counseling finally persuaded her. For a while, she stopped as like she said it was no longer needed. Instead she has gone back to do self help the spiritual way (she's been doing that for years and years, before we met and while we were together). Which, in my perception, has not helped her to deal with her own traumatic issues.
I have become very weary of the so called spiritual world. It seems a way to not confront yourself, to seek comfort, thus not tangling the real issues and only doing more harm. Building and fortifying defense mechanisms.
I don't know whether the two of you can sort things out. All I know is that trauma can run deep, will never go away and can run so deep that someone simply can't, doesn't dare to to look in the mirror, guided by a specialist who understands.
All you can do is find your own way, let it in, let it go, close the book.
If it is meant to be it will be, and there will be a new book.
@dukeofdearham
Thanks for your reply, both sharing your personal experience and thoughts about my situation. I appreciate your comments.
I have done a lot of reading the past several months about trauma and how it affects people and their relationships with others. I see a lot of truths in my readings and what you just said. Traumatic past experiences are deep and hurtful and if that affects a person's ability to trust or form bonds, it makes life pretty complicated, to say the least.
I realize also that I'm on my own life journey here. Right now, I'm just trying to be a supportive friend and let him come to his own conclusions. Meanwhile, trying to work on my own life.
@GoingInCircles365,
taking care of you is what always comes first. Being supportive, but only if you have space to do so.
Trauma indeed can run deep and as long as someone didn't heal from it (not, fixing, as you cannot fix trauma) then trauma will impact relationships.
Another thing that makes it hard to support someone with trauma is that people with trauma often create a self defense system. A way to put trauma behind bars, to not be confronted with it.
For instance, due to trauma, my wife cannot admit mistakes. It is like she convinces herself she did not do anything wrong. Because admitting means confronting yourself and, in her case, she is afraid that someone will say to her "what you did is unforgivable, and i no longer love you, bye". Even if she knows that that is not true.
She did admit that trauma (she has severe traumas, I just know). But I could not offer a safe harbor as, well, we created a mess, tried so hard to get out, and then you simply don't have space for self let alone for others. Sad story that has left both of us in tremendous pain and hurt.
Take care, and take care of you first.
@dukeofdearham
Thanks for your heartfelt reply. It sounds so much like my situation.
Thanks also for the reminder (I probably need lots of reminders about this!) to take care of myself first. It's like what they say on the airplane "put on your own oxygen mask before helping those around you" - I know I am no use to anyone else and can't have a good relationship unless I am as "whole" as I can be.
It's just sooooo hard to watch someone struggle and know there's not a darn thing you can do except be there and offer whatever support you can. I know he appreciates knowing that I'm there for him as a friend, but it is quite painful to be in this position.
Right, time for another reminder, "Take care of myself first" :) :) :)
@GoingInCircles365,
you're most welcome.
Let me share a bit about what I needed when I was in a deep dark hole.
First, if someone is struggling mentally, be aware that that person might be totally drained. Not able to let the outside world in.
What did not help me (and I never blamed my wife):
- trying to help by taking over,
- making decisions without consulting me
- going into "that is not true" mode c whenever I expressed my feelings
- starting discussions and always being right
What would have helped more:
- the occasional, heart meant "I love you, no matter what (she did that at times)
- going like "I made some tea, let's sit down" and sit in silence, it's the togetherness that matters
- saying how you feel while not asking how he feels
- (this one is tricky as it requires you to be at ease and you have to feel the right moment) asking "what do you need right now"
Seems you have been doing some background research, which is great. That really helps to understand him better. Wish my wife had done that, she confides more in spirituality, also to not wake up her own issues. And guess what, yup, that only does do damage when mental issues are involved.
Take care!
@dukeofdearham
Thanks again for your thoughtful response.
You have some great suggestions and examples of what helps and what doesn't, at least for you. I think that may be similar here in my situation.
One thing I recognized right away with this guy is that he's very much like me in many ways. For example, if he says "I need some time to be by myself to think, to just be, to not be bothered" I Just let him be for as long as he needs. I'll occasionally send a really quick message just to say hi, a brief check-in, but I don't push for any more. My Ex husband would come and knock on my office door 15 minutes after I said I needed time alone and say "we need to talk!" and it felt soooo misaligned. So I get it. Take your time, I'll be here when you are ready to interact. It's still hard sometimes, to just totally let go and just let him be.
Again, thanks for sharing your list. I can actually relate, in one way or another, to everything you shared.
