Give me opinions PLEASE

@FrozenRosesz

There will be various opinions on this .. some say you might be emotional cheating and other like me say NO. Talking and getting your opinions heard or advice from a friend should not be limited because a BF is being possessive

people do not become someone else when they become a couple ... it is unrealistic IMO to cut you off having any male friends etc. Makes your BF seem paranoid.

My partner for example has interests i do not and simply is not very talkative.

i need that sort of interaction .........so i have a best friend whom is male. We chat about things and advice as i think various views can be helpful and i feel my friendship has helped my relationship as i am not looking for my partner to fill that talk things out need i have and he would NOT do ... It has not been an issue because frankly i think my partner feels too secure in our relationship.

@FrozenRosesz,

you did nothing wrong.

Your boyfriend seems to have trust issues. I would never ask someone to break of contact with people who are exes because they are exes.

If there's anyone who should apologize its your boyfriend, not you.

@FrozenRosesz, I think people will have their own definition of what cheating is because of their own experiences and prospective. In my opinion, I don’t think it looks the same for everyone even if the word is the same. I think it’s important to communicate, define, and negotiate on these set of relationship terms upfront to avoid misunderstandings and what will make each person in the relationship will feel comfortable (no matter how it looks to others on the outside of it). Nowadays, relationship orientation has evolved beyond what was once seen as a box. I also wanted to say as a disclaimer: abuse should not be tolerated in any relationship.

So in that thinking, if you had promised or agreed to not having a friendship with your ex, in my opinion, you have broken your promise or word and that can be seen and felt as hurtful for anyone who doesn’t like promises being broken. If you didn’t agree or promise, then perhaps this is a good time to go over what are the agreed terms in your relationship together with him.

I’m working on this part (defining the terms and clarifying on our intentions) with my partner through a mediator (a couples therapist) and I think it’s a healthier way when there isn’t an effective line of communication in the relationship so we don’t act emotionally and hurt each other. This might be helpful for your relationship too.

@FrozenRosesz I don't think it is cheating but I think you should have talked about it first with your boyfriend, once you knew he was jealous and keep him updated about the conversation so he would feel safe.

Now what I would do is show him all the messages and be very transparent about all that happened. Even if this means show him that awkward messages that he had been sending you. just to show how clear you are being and that you intention was never to hurt him, and that you will stop everything if he doesnt feel ok..even if you were trying to get advice for you both and living in the US

good luck :)

Also. I forgot to put in this post that my bf NOW my ex, used this as an excuse to tell me that he pretended to love me for 2 years, the remainder of our relationship, and cheated on ME, emotionally and physically for months before i found out on my birthday…

OK. If our friendships improve our lives and make us

better people, then our partners should celebrate those friendships. Our partners should always have our best interests.

With exes it’s natural that our partners might feel threatened by people we used to love, by previous sexual partners, by people who knew us intimately. It’s a legitimate concern because how often do people end up cheating with their exes, or end up going back to their exes? A large proportion of cheating happens exactly this way. And definitely it can’t help the situation that your ex literally stated clearly that he regrets not marrying you many times. Even though you ignored those messages it doesn’t change the fact that he expressed those feelings, that those emotions and attraction from him is still there, at least on his side. So first of all as much as you insist that you have no feelings for your ex, that you would never betray your partner or choose anyone over him, you should probably concede from -your partner’s- perspective that you being close to your ex was a reasonably threatening position for all the above reasons.

Next - boundaries. Of course this doesn’t always mean your partner can prevent you from choosing your own friends, even if the friend you choose happens to be the ex. It is for each person to determine who their friends are. It’s entirely healthy and normal to have friends of the opposite sex. In your case though, due to your ex having residual and persistent intimate feelings for you, that does make him somewhat compromised as a friend. So is it reasonable for your partner to demand that you have no male friends? No, I feel that is too controlling and indicates trust issues, insecurity in his part, that he feels threatened by male competition and does not believe his love alone is enough to keep you loyal. Does he have the right to demand that you stop associating with your ex who appears to have feelings for you still? Well that is something you both would have to navigate and discuss. But the POINT of discussing it, is to come to an agreement about what is acceptable in your relationship. The point of negotiating the boundary in your relationship, is to understand what makes your partner happy/unhappy, what they need from you, and what you need from them, and what you need in order to be happy. And if you both do not want the same things and need different things in order to feel secure in your relationship, to feel satisfied that your needs are being met… if all of those things are different for both of you and you can’t agree on those things, then either one of you has to COMPROMISE , or maybe its best you both go your separate ways because you’re simply not compatible with each other and the issue you’re fighting over is a “deal breaker”.

But if you DO agree to a boundary, and then you betray your partner’s trust and your own commitment by secretly doing everything you promised NOT to do, even if you had no feelings for your ex, even if you never would choose anyone over your partner, you nonetheless have broken your promise to your partner. The important thing is not to focus on whether we “cheated” or not. The important thing is to be honest with our partners, to respect the boundaries we have agreed to in our relationships, and to always make decisions that benefit and improve our relationship and connection with our partners, and to choose our partners and their happiness as our priorities. Perhaps when you look back at the situation in this way, you might see some things that you might have done differently. Also if he considered the relationship in this way he might see that some of his boundaries were more controlling, selfish, unreasonable, and came from a place of insecurity and fear, rather than being driven by the best interests of the relationship and his partner.

I hope this gave you some insight in some small way! Wishing you all the best.

CatsInTheCradle

@FrozenRosesz Looking at the bigger picture, first lets dive into your side of things, you respected his feeling and emotions. You as a person are allowed to have friends, as long as the person knows the lines not to cross and their boundaries. You did the correct thing, but apologizing. Secondly, if he did not truly forgive you then he should not have said anything, and been more upfront about how he felt in the situation. Things like this build resentment, whether intentionally or unintentionally. An thirdly, he at this point is triangulating you by using a situation that happened 2 years ago, against how you are today, which in terms is gaslighting you emotionally from being able to move on from the situation. If he wouldn't like to be treated the same way, he should not be doing it towards you. Yes, he has a right to your feelings but I see a lot of red flags and maybe even potentially yellow flags. The biggest red flag is the isolation from having friends of the opposite gender, when I am pretty sure he has plenty himself of the opposite gender. Another big red flag is holding a grudge/resentment toward you for 2 years and lying to you about it, being transparent and vulnerable with his emotions would have paved a way for you to fix it, if he felt that you did. Instead he lied to you, and has been making you work double for his "trust" when if the shoe was on the other foot, he would not want that treatment and would want you to be open/honest about it. Seems to me that he has a lot of growth to do, and you have some thinking to do about it. I wish the best 💓