Heartbreak from 2 Relationships
In January, I ended my 16 year relationship with my fiance. This was a result of years of not being as happy as I knew I could be and feeling like I was missing emotional and physical connection. I felt like it was easier to do when external factors reminded me of how much happier I can be and the different love I can receive from someone else.
In October, I began an affair with a married man. We connected so quickly and fell in love fast. We thought we were each others soulmates. It was intense and consuming daily between talking on the phone. We became so connected to each others lives. I felt like it was possible to do because I was alone a lot. My finance was either not physically around or just not involved in my day. I was alone and my affair partner provided what I was lacking. We were both respectful of each others relationships and agreed that we would only leave our relationships for ourselves and not for each other. We knew we both could be happier. We talked about dreams of being together in the future. We couldn’t get enough of each other. After I left my fiance, my affair soon after brought up divorce with his wife. He was convinced he wanted it and it wasn’t for me but only for him. Eventually, living a double life was taking a toll on him and he feared what he would lose from a divorce, financially and his daughter. He didn’t want his wife to discover the affair either. We tried to part ways in February so that he could focus on his marriage, but after 3 days he came back saying he couldn’t lose me. We continued for another month with intense emotions. Just last week, he told me he couldn’t be consumed with me anymore and that he needed to focus on himself and his family. He sent it via message. I was absolutely torn. We connected 2 weeks later and he reminded me that he had to cut ties but also said he loves me and he thinks I’m his person, it’s just wrong timing. The pain that kept coming every time we connected and he cut me off. He ended up blocking me on social media, as well as my friends and family, which they didn’t know about him and he didn’t follow on social media.
This is all hitting me very hard and is extremely painful. I’m feeling completely alone at the loss of both men. I’m extremely hurt that my affair partner went from one extreme of love to just cutting ties so quickly and coldly. I’m also struggling with how I left my fiancé. I knew my relationship with him was unhealthy before I met my affair partner and I always felt I deserved more, but not that my affair is over, I can’t help but question and hurt over how being consumed with my affair partner enabled me to abandon my relationship with my fiancé even though I do believe it helped me realize I deserved better. But now I’m so hurt and feel so disposed of by my affair partner and want my fiancé back- and maybe only because I feel at a complete loss.
I’m so lonely and conflicted, and hurting about my decisions and how I’ve been treated by both men.
@Sunshine42025
Were you putting off ending your relationship with fiance before you met your affair partner? 16 years seems to be a long time without moving forward.
It is hard to move on. Then when we find others attracted to us and making us feel like we are wanted and listened to etc. We want more out of our existing relationship .... we see that we have settled for a person not giving us the intimacy or attention we crave.
I know many are open to meeting someone when we are lonely in a relationship. At first the idea to still hold on to relationships or marriages...... makes it seem easy and secret and fun.
When you saw you could not pretend any longer with fiance and broke up ... it may have been too real for affair partner. Yes lots to lose thru divorce not only child related but often financial as well. I am sorry he got cold feet and decided to end the fantasy life of what if with you. You should look forward and know your worth.... there is a real partner out there for you. do not look back or seek to relive relationships that have expired.
go find someone that is worthy of you.... a close enough relationship is NEVER close enough ....so many live a life wishing they could have the guts to start over ... i know you do not feel like it is an opportunity but it is.
@toughTiger6481
I appreciate that you took the time to read and provide a thoughtful response to my thread.
I knew I was settling with my fiance before the affair. I knew I deserved better, but the time in the relationship among other factors kept me emotionally stuck. I can see how meeting my affair partner helped me to see it even more.
my affair partner and I both agreed that it seemed more fair and easier when we were both in relationships. I think you make a point that perhaps that made it too real for him once I became single. I did tell him I was scared of a second heart break. I think there was definitely pressure on him, even though it never came directly from me. I truly can understand how hard it would be to walk away from everything he has.
What gets me the most is feeling hurt and feeling disposable. I also can’t help but be disappointed in myself, not only for being unfair to my fiancé, but unfair to myself. I allowed myself to get so consumed in someone who can just walk away. Leaving me even more alone than I already was in ending my relationship. I’m also finding myself mad at him for making so many suggestions and promises and dreams that ended up just messing with my head. I’m trying not to be selfish in all of this as I know it put him in a tough place too. I can’t help question if I made mistakes along the way, but I guess I did what felt right at the time. I never really thought about how painful it could all end. It feels extremely painful to go from Intense emotions to being told he couldn’t be consumed by me anymore.
I appreciate your insight on seeing it all as an opportunity to start over. I believe I learned from all of this- learned to not settle or rely on others to supplement my relationship. Nor should I get lost in someone who wasn’t fully available to me.
@Sunshine42025
I know what you are going through and yes it hurts a lot but in the end i hope you see the person came into your life lifted you up and gave you confidence to end something you were hanging onto. do not blame yourself i think finding a connection that makes you feel alive is worth it.
