Help please 🙏
I had a lot of sexual and narcissistic abuse from two past marriages. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 going on 5 years now. He is 40 and I am 34. Between healing from my Trauma, then a TBI from a car accident, our relationship has been crazy these past 4 years. He wants to wait for marriage till we can finally take a breath and have some down time without chaos in our relationship. That makes logical sense and all, but, I still feel hurt that he's not ready. It's hard for me not to take it personally. All of my trauma makes me feel that I'm not good enough, or that i have to be "healed" before he will marry me, or that he is stringing me along, or why I'm even in a relationship to begin with feeling all of this pain......
I would love to hear from anyone who knows what I mean, or would have any advice on what to do to get past this? Thank you so much for reading, and God bless.
@gingergoober
You said it makes logical sense and being in a calm state to get married might be all he is saying....
I can see how so many want to read into things we all do to some point... but i feel we complicate things by self talk that it is this or that.... instead ASK be upfront about your insecurities and fears.
what is worse not knowing and assuming or working through things together.
@gingergoober,
the two of you have been together for a few years. He hasn't walked away. Neither has he put ultimatums on the table.
It seems he wants to have some space where both of you can breathe, be yourself and meet. You might think he wants to play safe but maybe he just don't want to not ruin the relationship with him.
So I don't feel like there's anything wrong with him or with you.
I sort of understand where he's coming from. I was married (I married at 50, first time) to a beautiful older woman who has been through a lot. She said she'd dealt with her past (which she didn't tell much about) and had no rugsack. My intuition told me otherwise but I thought, whatever happens, we will work it out.
Things happened and she decided to divorce. Looking back I've thought at times that maybe we should've taken it slower (I lived far away, abroad). Taking little steps might have helped to create a stronger sense of safety , openness, vulnerability (what she needs, a lot). Maybe that is what your friend feels like, like it is the best thing to do.
Anyway, have you guys ever considered relationship therapy? The goal of a decent therapist is to help people to better communicate, so no solemnly to salvage relationships.
Hon my thoughts are with you. Stay safe.
