Hey 7cups
Thought I would take a little break, children on their summer break, and hoping my head could catch up, hoping things would change, but that’s the thing , hoping and reality are obviously two different things, 19 years I have been with my husband married for one year, as my last post explained (thank you to you all who commented) I feel like I’m all in like I’m trying to sort this, but he still continues to talk to this person online, he says they have not met, but they have vowed to be in each others lives, but he still continues to say he wants us, but is pushing me away, I wish I had the strength to go, I wish I was stronger I don’t recognise this woman looking back at me in the mirror and it’s so painful . All I have ever done was love him, why am I not good enough
Sorry for this if it’s too much I understand , I feel very very alone ,.
@generousNectarine5761
hello again,
have you had a talk about the deep down why ? and how you both move forward.. You are NOT alone this.....It is a bigger issue then many realize.
I think depending on what side of this a person is on it is important to really see and feel how your partner feels even if you do not get it. YOU are not the problem....... the person doing this needs to realize WHY..... they can not get the same connection with their partner.
Most of this is very hard to talk about with spouse .. to explain without blaming each other... I have been really trying.... it is hard because..... I see Now that I did not speak up to spouse ... I did not stand up about tiny irritating things that became blown out of proportion. I did not stress How i felt ignored / belittled and not listened to ... They saw it as "oh I did not KNOW you disliked this or that you were always just going along with what I wanted " They say things like "I have always been like this" . this to me says take it or leave it not that they will try.. .......being able to change and grow seldom happens at same time.
How do I explain I let this fester... not their fault that they do not know I HATE their choice of restaurant when we have a night out.... I think they chose colors that are not flattering to them . we get used to the same old and when we want something new we feel selfish to ask... Now i do not know how to explain... why i found a friendship and connection elsewhere.
I feel these things are a sort of Limerence. they are a bit of fantasy .... that fall apart in the end but have destroyed many relationships in the process. i am not sure where i would be without my friend ... it showed me what i am missing. it is on me to create that in my real relationship. If i can't i need to move on.
Therapist often suggest trying to have spouse fill that role of other person but short of giving spouse a script mine would not be able to communicate like my online friend... If i have to write out the correct answers and responses what good is it. We can not change our partner ONLY ourselves... If you see what he is looking for and can be that and more important WANT to be that then try .... if you can't things end time invested not always a reason to hold on i have 30 plus years with spouse and frankly do not see the person i met and loved .... with 20/20 hindsight would have said NO to marriage to him
Thank you so much tough tiger, this puts things into perspective, I see glimmers of the man I am in love with who I married, I do try to open up more to him and I engage a lot in him , and always do my best to make things easy and comfortable etc, I just worry if I try too much to look into this and ask again why is it still continuing I will get shut down like I did before , I got your being stupid , I love you , I just talk to this person , I don’t think I have feelings for this person but I like to talk to them (his response) I’ve been like I’m here you can talk to me, I do understand it’s someone different to talk to so that may be why , just my worry is he is waiting till he feels it’s time to leave and just saying he still wants us wants me and him until maybe he’s brave enough to go if that makes sense? I’ve told him I won’t beg him to stay I wouldn’t do that to him he doesn’t need to feel like he has to stay I don’t think that’s healthy I also don’t mention our children , because again our children do not define our relationship the children will still be ours if we are not a couple , he is an amazing father , I just sometimes get in my head and think is it because it will be difficult to move forward because we have a comfortable life now, I just put myself down and over think , think it’s me have I done something to push him away, I have mentioned this to him he knows my insecurities, we just sometimes feel like friends , not who we once were, do I try to move forward and allow this to continue try and think of it as it’s therapy for him? And if in the future he does leave me then deal with it then? I’m not ready to leave him I love him and want us to work this out , I just panic and maybe I put scenarios in my head, I find talking like this helps seeing another perspective, I appreciate you taking the time to reply I honestly do
@generousNectarine5761
We have no control of future and i get the overthinking and preparing for all outcomes...
As for this person is new to talk to ... that may be some of the charm. I mean we can tell a story to someone we just meet or talk to online... we can erase all our flaws only put up the best of us. We cannot do that with someone who has known us all along.... knows who we were and are. I think some people talking do want both marriage and the fantasy. i think since this has been found out or is known he needs to decide and let either you or his friend move on...
