How can you trust someone after they’ve lied to you and you know they are still lying?

@turquoiseDrum4587

You have worked yourself into a pattern. I too did this let what I considered small things go for sake of not making waves, but it still dissolved my trust.   Your partner knows the right words or phrases to say to get you to let go. They seemingly do not care you have lost trust and respect for them. 

It is for the best to set boundaries and expect truth. calling it out and not backing down when they protest too much.  I told my person right out how I have little respect or trust they would need to earn that back. I also let them know others were aware of their distant relationship with the truth and protesting only made them look worse.

They did some self-reflection and decided truth was better than what they were doing.  

Let me start from where this all began. I’m not an innocent victim in our marriage. I have in the past been verbally abusive to my wife. I have never hit her, but my choice of words in stressful situations hasn’t been the best. I at the time didn’t realize how I was speaking to her. I grew up in a home where I was expected to have thick skin, I also expected her to be able to handle my criticism. I was wrong and I have since learned to respect my wife’s feelings more. But I think I may have damaged her trust in the process. She needed someone to talk to when she couldn’t talk to me. Thats when she began talking to this male friend who she met in a therapy group. I knew she was talking to people about our issues, but she never told me that she was talking to man alone and at night. She has trouble sleeping and would stay up all night through the night early morning sometimes. Then one day while I was at work she calls frantically that she had to changed her cell phone number and that she was sorry for hurting me. Confused, I get her to explain what happened. I was completely oblivious to what was going on. She said she had to end the friendship with this guy bc he was pressuring her to meet up for drinks and he wanted more than a friendship with her. I remember feeling grateful that she was honest enough to tell me she got herself out of the situation and that she respected me enough to protect our marriage. Over the next couple of months I started to learn she wasn’t as forthcoming with me as she could of been.

I was upset that she didn’t tell me she was talking to this guy alone. She was allowing him to flirt and say inappropriate things to a married woman. She told me she allowed it bc she valued the friendship and that she didn’t want to lose that connection. My wife doesnt work and doesn’t leave the house alone. She’s with our children all day. But when she started walking. I didn’t think anything of it. She wanted some alone time for herself and in the process get a little exercise. But she would be gone for hours at a time. She had walked in the past and I knew for a fact she was walking and two hours gone was about her average. I didn’t think anything of it, bc I trusted her. She would be gone much longer than usual and she would dress nicer than someone who would just be walking. No heavy makeup, but she would wear some. Which I remember thinking was odd especially on warmer days. She was losing weight and started feeling better about herself. But all the little lies she told after she stopped talking to this guy started to unravel. She said she only talked to this guy offline a handful of times. I accidentally discovered this on her phone that contradicted that. We have always had a open door to each other phones. So when she began hiding her phone at night and guarding her phone during the day I got suspicious. Especially since she said she had ended the friendship. What do I do about the things she is hiding from me? Do I revert to my old self and let her have it to expose the truth? Or do I let it all go and pray she doesn’t do this again? Thanks.

I also recalled strange things she had said to me when I was unaware of everything. My wife was a virgin when we met and married. I have always held her virtue high and valued that she chose me to give it to. I sometimes wondered in the back of my mind if she felt she had missed out on experiencing other men. So when she said she sometimes wondered what it would have been like to have another man than myself, I wasn’t caught of guard bc I thought the same thing. Looking back, it was her choice of timing that gives me pause since she said that during the time of her late night conversations with the friend in question. She said she miss spoke and that one thing has nothing to do with the other. Years ago I went to a strip club with some friends who I no longer hang with. Things got a little out of hand, but I didn’t betray her. I did that during when she was visiting her parents for a few weeks. They live far away and her grandfather had just passed. When she got home, I told her immediately about had happened and what I had done. She slapped me and we got through it. But I suspect she never fully got over it. Bc she said what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. She denies saying this since we were fighting at the time over her friendship. I don’t know if she said this to just hurt me or if it was a slip of the truth. Thanks.

Thank you talking to me. I agree that I want her to grow and be happy about herself, but I don’t want to sacrifice myself in the process. I want to grow with her. She’s a wonderful woman and my life would have been much worse without her. She’s kind, smart, beautiful, nurturing, and fun. I couldn’t have picked a better mate. She does have low self esteem though and the talking to another man who may have been telling her what she wanted to hear threatened me. Bc he’s not in her day to day dealing with the struggles of life. He got to enjoy her attention in a comfortable vulnerable vibe. How hard is it to talk to someone about something when they don’t have to worry about the mortgage or groceries? Nothing to lose and everything to gain situation. I feel he was praying on her vulnerabilities and she let him bc she was afraid to talk to me. I’m on top of that for sure now. I sat her down and laid it out in clear language. I also told her that we really don’t talk much about each other like we should. I also told her that the arguing we been doing for months has actually given us something to talk about even if it was tense and uncomfortable. It was real talk. Something that we haven’t done for a while. It also rekindled our sexual relationship. We have sex more regularly now. That’s definitely a good thing. But I’m still feeling she’s holding back. And I think since things are better now. She doesn’t want to confirm anything that might end this second honeymoon faze. Things that I was up in arms about a few months ago are starting to fade and I guess it shouldn’t be an issue for me anymore. But I’m that kind of guy that the not knowing and the lying are what bothers me. I can forgive anything that she might have done, but I don’t think she believes that. She says she never cheated. I believe her, but cheating has many forms. The betrayal of emotional bonding with another can be just as painful for the unaware spouse. Things like the erasing messages or deleting emails that may have confirmed her story instead making her look guilty bother me. Bc why would anyone hide evidence if proves innocence? Early on she had sent a fake text message to her best friend talking about everything I feared most about the situation. I guess she thought I would find it on her phone while snooping. I didn’t do that. I want her to tell me. Thats more important to me. I actually discovered it when I was helping my daughter do something on her phone. I was livid and threatened to leave. She broke down in tears and got me to believe her. But now looking back, she wrote that message knowing she was lying about other things. Like she later told me she liked this guy more than she should of where before she denied having any feelings at all for him. I think you’re right I’ve painted myself into a corner with her. On one hand, I don’t want to lose what we have now, but I’m afraid I’ll fall right back my old self when times get rough and I’m reminded that she may have done something really stupid. Pushing her into a confession doesn’t work. I’ve already learned that the hard way. I guess I’m in limbo for now.

Thank you talking to me. I agree that I want her to grow and be happy about herself, but I don’t want to sacrifice myself in the process. I want to grow with her. She’s a wonderful woman and my life would have been much worse without her. She’s kind, smart, beautiful, nurturing, and fun. I couldn’t have picked a better mate. She does have low self esteem though and the talking to another man who may have been telling her what she wanted to hear threatened me. Bc he’s not in her day to day dealing with the struggles of life. He got to enjoy her attention in a comfortable vulnerable vibe. How hard is it to talk to someone about something when they don’t have to worry about the mortgage or groceries? Nothing to lose and everything to gain situation. I feel he was praying on her vulnerabilities and she let him bc she was afraid to talk to me. I’m on top of that for sure now. I sat her down and laid it out in clear language. I also told her that we really don’t talk much about each other like we should. I also told her that the arguing we been doing for months has actually given us something to talk about even if it was tense and uncomfortable. It was real talk. Something that we haven’t done for a while. It also rekindled our sexual relationship. We have sex more regularly now. That’s definitely a good thing. But I’m still feeling she’s holding back. And I think since things are better now. She doesn’t want to confirm anything that might end this second honeymoon faze. Things that I was up in arms about a few months ago are starting to fade and I guess it shouldn’t be an issue for me anymore. But I’m that kind of guy that the not knowing and the lying are what bothers me. I can forgive anything that she might have done, but I don’t think she believes that. She says she never cheated. I believe her, but cheating has many forms. The betrayal of emotional bonding with another can be just as painful for the unaware spouse. Things like the erasing messages or deleting emails that may have confirmed her story instead making her look guilty bother me. Bc why would anyone hide evidence if proves innocence? Early on she had sent a fake text message to her best friend talking about everything I feared most about the situation. I guess she thought I would find it on her phone while snooping. I didn’t do that. I want her to tell me. Thats more important to me. I actually discovered it when I was helping my daughter do something on her phone. I was livid and threatened to leave. She broke down in tears and got me to believe her. But now looking back, she wrote that message knowing she was lying about other things. Like she later told me she liked this guy more than she should of where before she denied having any feelings at all for him. I think you’re right I’ve painted myself into a corner with her. On one hand, I don’t want to lose what we have now, but I’m afraid I’ll fall right back my old self when times get rough and I’m reminded that she may have done something really stupid. Pushing her into a confession doesn’t work. I’ve already learned that the hard way. I guess I’m in limbo for now.