How does the betrayer help the betrayed?

@STSN

My view maybe different but i am in your shoes.   I have an online friendship emotional affair type thing.  i could see the longer it goes on .... the harder it would be to explain or may be the part they could not come to terms with.   

 Have you had serious talk about the why ?   

      To me people who cross a line .... are often hurt themselves........ they are disconnected, feeling minimized  and hurt in the marriage or relationship.   Why 3 years....... my guess is things were not improving at home in that time. The reason was still there.  What was the plan you had not moved forward did you and affair partner just want it as a side thing? 

Would the situation have improved if partner found out at 3 months,  at 1 year etc?     The crying, the fights after things came to light was your marriage ready to work on it before?    What is your current connection like , your outlook and belief in your relationship?   It takes brutal honesty on both sides about how things really are and what you found in the other ... companionship, non judgement,  sex? 

This is not just move on from.... my partner has made me feel  ugly,  unloved,  and less then.... if they found i have a friend and tell me ... "they love me and they want to work etc" ... I would have to SEE actions not talk.. i have heard words with zero follow thru before. ....... I would need to FEEL it not the grasping to save something on its last leg. 

If they are holding time of this over you .......that is not because they cannot get over it but they want to punish you.   how you help is be total honest and let each other know words are not enough to get past this. 

@STSN,

I've been on the receiving side as in, my now ex wife had an emotional affair.

Speaking for myself, in a way I understood why. The duration never bothered me and, to put it mildly, I don't believe that is what is bothering your partner.

It might be trust issues,  and those relate to the why. And the why is simply, you had needs that he didn't meet and kept on not meeting. 

Have you both ever seriously talked about what you need, not need, any internal struggles. When you guys talk seriuosly about whatever, is there mutual understanding while being able to not agree? 

In other words, can you honestly say that there have been changes that would make you feel less likely to get emotionally involved with someone else again (and yup, no one can guarantee that and shouldn't).

Because that's my guess. That he might be afraid history repeats itself. That he wants some guarantee which he knows nobody can give. He might be afraid that he doesn't meet, maybe because he doesn't know, what you are really looking for in a close relationship.

Did you change? Did both of you change? Are you aware of the fact that love is a verb, that a meaningful relationship changes, that each day you have to put effort in it?

If there have been changes on both sides, good. Relationship therapy might help, to try to really connect. That is, if you both want to and both sare to be vulnerable and totally open, without accusations.

If you're both open to therapy, take your time to find a decent therapist.

@STSN

I felt very uncomfortable while reading one of the replies here, saying that we should reverse roles and the betrayed person is an oppressor, whereas the betraying one is a victim. Quite a nice excuse, but NOPE. I don't think it works like that. A person who betrayed is the guilty one, and a person who was betrayed is a victim.

But if we could get back in time to a day before it all happened, I think both partners can be seen as responsible or "guilty". Because the quality of your relationship deteriorated, you both failed to protect your relationship in time, and the betrayal was just the final act.

The question is now: how we would both like to improve the quality of our relationship right now, to not let this happen again? To feel happier.

I agree the trust might be the issue here. And I believe the duration IS the problem. If that was several weeks or a few months, that could be called a mistake, or just a temporary weakness.

But happening through years it must have taken some effort. From one of the partners: leading a double life, but keeping up the appearances as if everything was fine. From another one: for all those years being unable to see what really happens and unable to bring their partner back to them.

I think he might have problem not only with forgiving you, but also with forgiving himself being so blind and ignorant.

And another part of the story: When those 3 years began, why didn't you just tell him "I am leaving you, because I am feeling unhappy, and starting my life again with someone else"? Was it you trying to rescue yourself, or taking some revenge for his negligence, but still loving him?