How to cope with BDSM
Hi everyone, I´m currently in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4,5 years. A lot of things happened, mostly BDSM related. I have no experience in this lifestyle, so I´m looking for someone who has so I can talk to them on how someone with that lifestyle thinks and has experience with this outside their relationship with their partner. He kept a lot of things from me, and I don´t get the answers from him, that´s why I´m reaching out, because I am doubting myself about this matter. I can tell the whole story here, but then it´s going to be a very long post. Thank you for your time already!
@Spreesdom
Sorry about the previous blank post!
@Spreesdom
Hi,
@CovenantOfEchoes is experienced in what you are talking about.
;)
@Spreesdom
First, it's completely valid to feel confused, especially when navigating something as emotionally and physically layered as BDSM without prior experience. Seeking understanding from others who are informed is healthy and responsible.
For anyone new to BDSM, it's important to know:
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Consent must be informed, ongoing, and enthusiastic.
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Communication must be explicit—kinks, limits, boundaries, aftercare.
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Trust and Transparency are foundational. Secrets and withheld truths are red flags—not "kinky."
So if her partner is:
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Hiding aspects of his BDSM interests,
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Involving others without her knowledge,
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Avoiding conversations when she asks direct questions,
Then that’s not a healthy dynamic, regardless of lifestyle.
Ask:
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What exactly is he hiding?
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How does he respond when you express discomfort or confusion?
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Do you feel emotionally and physically safe in this relationship?
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Have you agreed to specific boundaries that he’s now pushing or violating?
These questions help her move from self-doubt to self-clarity.
Unfortunately, in some cases, people use “BDSM” as a cover for abusive or coercive behavior. Key red flags:
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Withholding information
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Gaslighting when concerns are raised
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Coercing into acts with “this is how the lifestyle works”
BDSM should never involve fear, confusion, or secrecy.
If you choose to stay in a relationship with him you must:
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Set clear boundaries about what she is and isn’t okay with
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Request full transparency around past and current dynamics
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Have consistent, open discussions before any scenes occur
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Possibly involve a kink-aware therapist or educator to mediate or guide - there are also a number of resources available to help provide knowledge
Hey, I can listen if you’d like. I’ve been a dominatrix so I guess I could understand or if you’d like to hear more from someone in this lifestyle. Message me if you’d like to chat!