I dont know what to do anymore!?
Long story short: wife and I separated in 2021 after being married since 2019. we been together since 2012 and she has a daughter who is 14 now. we separated b/c of diff parenting styles and passion/sex/anxiety in the bedroom. Here, we need to be legally separated for 1 year before filing for divorce.
during separation, we had little contact unless it was her daughter and during that that time, I spend a lot of time with her, trying to be the father I wasn't or didnt know how to be before. we made great progress and everyone from her, her mom and the family now knows how much we mean to each other.
2 weeks ago, wife came to me and said she want to go with the divorce and how I want to proceed: mutual - we both sign and done or she does the proper channels, send me the papers, I sign and let the judge decide. I told her to send me the info so I can process and let her know. at the same time I told he everything I didnt before b/c if I didnt, I would regret it and my therapist said the same.
I told her I dont want the divorce and it goes against everything I believe in. I want to save the marriage, I still love her, the woman she was before and the woman she is now since the separation, and even tho I dont know this woman anymore, I want to learn and grow old with her. I want to try... said I was passive before but want to be active, meaning asking her out, doing things, being more in her life. she got emotional and upset that I didnt do this before, which I did but she kept saying she wants the divorce. she said it took her more than 1 year cuz she didn't have the money and she wasn't sure.
Well, 2 weeks has gone by and she hasn't sent me anything about the divorce info. last time we talked about it, she said she was last peace now which is why she wants to go forward. I dont understand why she hasn't sent me the info yet.
does it sound like there is still hope? our anniversary is in 1 month from now. I dont know anymore where I stand. some listeners say why keep try when she is already done. others say she's not ready or still not 100%. we talk about her daughter, family and little things but I dont know how to truly reach out again with saying I want to save our marriage and want to try without feeling scared about pushing her away.
I am so confused!! Can someone please help me bc I cant figure anything out anymore on what to do next.
TBH: I just want to take her away, propose her again on our anniversary to start the whole story again.
@zander
You told her things you hadn't shared with her before, because you didn't want to regret that you never shared with her. Despite not knowing what she would say, you told her. Thumbs up! 💙
Skip to the last part. I thought you want to be more proactive, what's keeping you from trying what you want to do?
Good luck, Zander!
@zander,
you were open and honest to her and she knew, otherwise she would not have gotten emotional.
She also stated clearly she want to go through with the divorce. So respect that.
Keep on being yourself. Be there for her daughter or her in case she asks for help. Be all you never were
But do not wait. And do not push. She'll send the paperwork when she is ready. Realize this is hard on her and she still loves you. Maybe not as a husband, a partner, but as a (possible) friend.
And please, do not invite her for your annual wedding day, let alone propose again. That will only push her away.
If it is meant to be, she will be there one day.
My wife and I separated a year ago, to be divorced in a year. I worked on myself, got a job so I could move out and support myself. She noticed I had changed. Last weeks with her we had good talks. And she would get emotional like she wished I had been like that again sooner.
Yet, she will proceed with the divorce. The love is there but sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes you have to go find you first. Accept that, and respect that.
Just be kind and gentle. You might invite her and her daughter for a bite somewhere one day. Not now, it's too soon. Let her lead. Give her space and time. Don't think "husband and wife". Think "friends".
Take care, and you are to be admired for coming clear to her. She seemed to deeply appreciate that. Honesty counts, always.
I wanted to go and have a talk with her, was ready to and then she sent me an email. Very short and asked me to review and what I want to do.
https://www.ontario.ca/page/file-family-court-documents-online
is this a lost cause now?
@zander,
depends on how you look at it.
She wants a divorce and there is nothing you can do about it.
All you can do is respect her wishes and show that you respect that.
It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you anymore, just in a different way.
And that she sees no future as a married couple.
You seemed to be changing for the better. I salute you for that. Not everyone is able to confront himself or herself and change.
Keep doing that. Maybe you guys can develop a close friendship, maybe not. Time will tell.
Whatever you do, again, act out of respect. Don't act out of anger, pain, hurt, emotions. I'm sure this is not easy for her either.
Give yourself space to grieve and heal. Give her space too. Do not bomb her with messages, calls.
Sometimes, people meet again. But do not cling to that.
Truly loving someone is letting go.