I feel like my partner has stopped trying.
My partner and I have been together going on nine years. We have a four year old son, so just leaving isn't exactly an option, and I do love my partner, so leaving isn't exactly what I want to do either.
This being said, my partner (25F) has stopped bathing, and eating nutritious foods, and is even neglecting the responsibilities of having a child. He will go the entire day that she watches him without eating, and he'll go a few days without a bath (I leave for work before bathtime, so I wasn't giving him one for a few months, minus my weekends I got to actually spend some time with him.) And she picks on him, a bit more than what you'd think would be appropriate. She makes him cry sometimes with the things she does.
I can understand stress, depression, and other disorders, I've been through these things before. But is there something I'm missing?
I would normally ask my best friend these sorts of questions, but the last time we talked about it, she got really emotional because she was worried about my own mental health.
I need a logical answer, rather than an emotional one, so, that being said, here I am.
Thank you in advance.
@anonyMoon878
In my opinion your partner needs professional help and should not be left taking care of a child in that frame of mind. taking care of a four year old is stressful as is but if in such a deep depression to neglect her own hygiene and " forgetting to feed" the child You are lucky that something worse has not happened yet.
What conversations have you had with her about this? Is she even aware of what she is doing? has she explained why she has not fed / bathed child? has she reached out for help?
I know when we love someone we think they can come around and find their way out of a depression but sometimes when a partner is spiraling they need someone to step in and get them the help they need.
Thank you for the reply, I have brought this up to her, now in multiple conversations. And she does acknowledge them, but it seems like after a week or so, it goes right back to the same way it was before.
I've suggested professional help, and she usually says that she'll get to it, and it never happens. It's forgotten, or even completely ignored. She's never given me a complete explanation, just that she didn't even realize that she's doing it. It's a genuine problem that I have addressed, but it never seems to get fixed.
@anonyMoon878
When someone we love says" I will get help or do something" and we do not hold them to that..... it is only enabling them. They know they can act concerned and talk a big game and go right back to what they are doing. That is showing you zero respect for your concern or opinion.
I had to take a stand with a partner to get things done....... i bought into the excuses and the "i am planning on taking care of it"...... for way too long and i will let you know you will grow to resent that it took too long and how much time was wasted waiting for them to just do it......
she is not only wasted her life but is effecting you and child
do you want child to feel this is normal behavior?
I would prefer to not make him feel that way. I'd like my son to be raised in a better household than the one I grew up in. That has been the goal since he was born
@anonyMoon878
Maybe it is time to set boundaries ........about a deadline to get help. Many options but mental health requires the person to admit they have a problem want to receive help and actively participate.
setting a deadline and benchmarks to show improvement
bringing up finding a different caregiver for your child when you are at work.
I have set a deadline with her, and that's when she began improving, and it had changed back within the week. It's like a deadline is the motivation to get started, but she doesn't have the drive to keep going after the stress goes away in that moment.
Thankfully, my own mother has noticed, and has offered to watch my son four days out of the week whenever I'm at work.
I suppose my question is, am I wrong for feeling this way? And after six months of it progressively getting worse, am I wrong for looking at the drastic measures?
@anonyMoon878
you are in no way wrong in this...... this is your life too.
i can relate and frankly i can not get back the time like years of fake being better for awhile then go right back .... and it has made me lose feelings for this person..... and be mad at myself for not standing up sooner....
These are the exact emotions I'm feeling. It feels very stressful, and even painful to see her go into a spiral like this. Standing up for my son is all I can think of really.
What happens when you try to talk to her/ask her what's gooing on or how she feels?
it might be she's feeling a bit neglected since I'm assuming the last 5 years have been all about the baby, why not show her she's appreciated with a loving gesture , if nothing she might open up to you a little :)