I honestly don't know what to do...
my husband cheated on me 9 years ago, and i've always felt that he never really felt any remorse or regret that he did that to me. instead i overcompensated to make sure that he'll love me again. he made the mistake, but I ended up being the one trying to fix it.
Flash forward to a year ago. I was 8 weeks pregnant and he told me he didn't love me for the longest time. he said that he only proposed to me because he thought marriage would 'fix' us. i then bled, and despite that, he kept thinking about this co-worker of his while im pregnant. he even messaged her at 5am in the morning just because he got frustrated that I woke him up asking for help because i was so nauseated.
When I found out, I went batshit crazy. I installed a spyware on his phone to track everything. I know it's wrong. but i soon realised that I have a pathological liar of a husband. Yesterday, he was working with that same girl, and for a year I have asked him not to talk to her and to keep things professional and yet he hasn't. he still kept messaging and calling her. even using the 'work' phone just so he can hide it. There was no affair, but there might as well be after yesterday.
He told this woman everything. all our issues that basically put me in a bad light. it even reached to a point where he admitted that he liked her and she reciprocated saying that she was disappointed when he started chatting her up only to marry me a few months after.
the worst part is when I finally came clean about spying on him and confronted him about his lies and the way he responded was "well, i didn't cheat, yes i told her about our issues, i told her i liked her before, but it was in the past, yes we were flirting, but nothing happened" as if I should be appreciative and accepting that this should be okay. because he basically didn't 'cheat'.
@Keptforconvenience
Hi there. Thank you so much for reaching out. I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. You deserve honesty and genuine remorse, but from what you’ve described, this hasn’t happened. Given the difficult situation, do you feel you want to reconcile or make plans to split up?
I think im leaning towards splitting up, but because of our son and financial constraints, I feel like I'm stuck and can't easily leave just yet. Now I have to remain resolved because I know ai still have to live under the same roof as him.
@Keptforconvenience
You have a lot going on and can see you are very hurt.
You say he is a pathological liar, but he told you things that you seemed to gloss over. He told you he lost feelings for you. He hoped marriage would "fix" things between you. That sounds like truth. Telling someone they must not talk or avoid someone sounds like more controlling and escalating. Spyware and such have not brought you closer or solved anything. Do you want this marriage to work?
it is not about who is right or what definition you put on chatting with co-worker. He is unhappy and reaching out to talk to someone. Perhaps you are upset at the dirty laundry of marriage was shared.
What is holding you together. it is not love, honor, or trust..... by either of you.
Thank you for the response, and you are right. I am also in the wrong. I just honestly wanted to love me again because I always try my best to make him happy. between the both of us, I'm always the one who makes plans, who goes all out for anniversaries and birthdays without asking for anything im return, just his honesty and love. so as to why he fell out of love, I didn't understand why, and I obsessed over it. I couldn't accept it. but im trying my best right now.
@Keptforconvenience
I understand it is hard to see what happened because it happens right in front of us and we miss it.
we want them to do something... anything plans or think of us first... we try harder and feel let down. you are NOT alone in that. I do not know how to recreate what once was because going thru this we have become different people. I think bold honesty and learning from it is all we can hope for.
best wishes it works like you want it to.