In couples therapy....
Currently in couples therapy. We are married (i think we still are lol) 6 years this month, together for 8 years. A few days after our daughter turned 9 months old (in 2023) I found out my spouse had been calling sex workers since earlier that year.... or so I thought. When I started to look for more information I found out he had been calling them since about 2021. The big argument happened and he asked for a second chance. I told him if it wasnt for our daughter it would be over completely. Just a note, During postpartum I wasn't in the best of health because of pre-diabetes, major depression & 20 lbs weight loss. I had absolutely no emotional & barely any physical support. I felt terrible. I had also discovered at the the time that he had been following pages on social media, on Twitter, browsing sex worker websites, etc. He was emotionally & possibly physically stepping out for almost 3 years into the marriage it seems. All the signs were there & he always denied anything was going on. I also saw a $500 screenshot to a female & he claims it was a prostitute but because he was scammed/threatened. He says this person took images off his social media of me (while I was pregnant) & his first daughter & demanded money or else. It sounds like *** to me. I asked to see the banking statements from the time he called these sex workers but he came up with excuses, said he was embarrassed to show me & then just stopped listening to me whenever I bring it up. He swears up & down he never had sex with any of them. So for the past 2 years he's been practicing avoidance, continues to be emotionally distant & during the first sessions of couples therapy i found out he had been texting his female friend who is also married..... after I had asked him to stop 2 years ago because I was uncomfortable with it. I was uncomfortable because He deleted all their messages EVERYWHERE & had seemingly platonic pictures of her (ie and old high-school prom picture) but also a *** video where she's fluffing her hair? He said they were talking about their hair because he grew his out..... just every excuse. When I find out that he has been texting her for 3rd time now after i had asked him to stop, it was a meme about a man being the little spoon & the woman the big spoon & a 😘 that he sent to her. He said the emoji was a friendly kiss. So i asked him if i did that how he would feek & if he cant understand it looks completely wrong? Then an accident bc he was texting her quickly (so that I wouldn't notice) & pressed the wrong emoji. So I text this woman "Hey Angelique, This is ____'s wife. What's been going on between you and him all this time? Truth time." Think I got a response from her? Of course not, But guess who DID get a message, my spouse. Now, for the record, I have NEVER messaged another woman IN MY LIFE over a man asking for "the truth". I'm not the harassing type & that was already humiliating enough. I never messaged her again just to be clear. But all of a sudden the next day my spouse comes to me all softened & answered all my questions about his relationship with her. He's calling it a friendship from like 10 years ago, never met in person just they know mutual people. That they had things in common at the time, trying to start a family, covid vaccine nonsense, politics, how he admired her marriage & in the past he even made a snide comment that he wishes we could be more like them etc. He seemed more worried about ruining her marriage / causing issues vs the state of our own marriage....... i told him If he wanted her in his life as his friend to just lmk, he said no as if it wasnt that important. So i asked him "Whats so hard about it then?" And no response. Then I noticed he deleted the message again with her & blocked her. So I unblocked her, I wanted to see what would happen. And sure enough my spouse texts me asking if I unblocked her & I told him the truth. & he showed me the message she wrote said something like good morning & that we (my spouse & I) would be alright. I asked him why she felt comfortable texting him STILL after what JUST happened? No reasonable response that I can remember. And so he showed me he sent her a message that he wishes her family well & their communicating wasnt good for his marriage. She wrote back that she understood. Afterward he mentioned he felt embarrassed having to do that... and i asked why? & he said because he felt like a scum bag.......... so here I am. Because I can't tell my family, they will eviscerate him, I can't tell my friends because I'm embarrassed and the only person I've been able to tell is the couples therapist about 1.5 weeks ago (he wasnt present for the session). Since I've told her I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. I found myself feeling light taking up yoga again which I love. But at the same time I felt like I was walking on eggshells because "i told on him". During the sessions we've had so far he's told me the things i ask for/ that are important to him are "just not on my mind" and he said "not a priority". I stopped wearing my ring after that. Then we got into another argument & he said he wanted to be coparents & stopped wearing his ring. He still acts like a roommate, tries for physical intimacy. We have a mutual friends wedding coming up & idk wth is going on. So twice i just beat around the bush. Id like to know if he wanted to take someone else. I asked if he was still my husband & he said yeah & started muttering that I had him thinking a million things during our argument. And another day i asked if he still wanted me to go to the wedding and he said yes. We haven't had another session yet but it's scheduled. I just don't see the point anymore. I just needed to vent since I dont have anyone else to really open up to. I just want peace. I wish i had a marriage where I knew I could trust my spouse & where I can feel respected & appreciated. The therapist said to try and focus of providing the things he said he wanted in a marriage and see if it changes things. She acknowledged my anger & how hard it is to hide my resentment & anger toward him & we will address his behavior with the sex workers in therapy. Ive been doing what she advised (just a week or so now) it but i don't see any difference in him. He still acts like a roommate, no interest in my thoughts or feelings, still busies himself with his phone & other things, still avoiding any emotional intimacy. I just don't know how much longer I can take of this. And I'm just thinking of quitting couples therapy. It's just too many juvenile games.
@firepassion
It is a lot to go thru.
Sounds in ways similar to what i have gone thru myself. how are you doing? what do you really want? do you see a future with or without him?
I know it is hard and you are probably very angry with messages etc. Myself it took me chatting with someone to really see big picture. When my spouse did the contact with others thing I was going thru health and work issues and was honestly a miserable person who let him feel he was the problem. ... I did not communicate and made him feel unwanted and things were over.
Not a good excuse I get it. ........but now the tables have turned and he has health and issues that he has become selfish and uncaring.
So now i am the person who confided in a person who is unhappy and lost in their marriage as well... It is amazing how many people there are out there. Why I ask myself why ... because if we walk on eggshells and do not speak up we need to vent or say something somewhere we might explode...
I am glad you have a therapist to open up to. It is hard to give him what he wanted when my guess is he cannot articulate what he wants. I am not sure i could tell my spouse how to talk to me to make me feel seen and heard...appreciated either and resent I need to give him a checklist of what i do like or want.
After years of marriage he thinks he knows me ... but he buys things he likes and says "these are your favorites...." how do i say "not even close when he is trying " so i smile and choke down some candy or food I hate to appease him ....we are roommates with grown kids... this is not what i wanted my empty nest years to be. Sorry probably shared too much but wanted you to know you are not alone.
Thank you for reaching out, supporting & sharing. I have felt so alone in my marriage. I don't mind when people feel they need to reach out to their friends during marriage stress. I'm not going to judge that because hey it's happening to me now. But this woman, seems like there was more of a history there. He told me she had to set boundaries with people in her life (including him) after she met/ got married. It's kind of weird to me that in a platonic relationship between the opposite sex, that it even needs to be mentioned. I guess im thinking it should already be known. So it made me question what kind of relationship they really had? His ex warned me about this same woman and accused him of cheating. The therapist said he was having an emotional relationship/connection with that woman & he should work on building that with me..... not going well, lol. He told me they weren't each other's type, she like taller men and he felt she was too tall for him. Seemed like he had a bruised ego & maybe she rejected him years ago, i know he has an ego/pride issues. I have no idea. Maybe I'm new to this whole confiding in the opposite sex but I feel like he handled it completely wrong & if it was platonic, we could've all gotten together as friends & supported each other. Ive had pregnancy losses just like she did, but instead my spouse was the one emotionally available for other people and not for me. I had a miscarriage a few months after our wedding & it was also the beginning of Covid.
@firepassion
I so understand if that is any help. I spoke to a therapist online and they asked if i could make the emotional connection with my spouse instead of my friend. The long answer made short is NO. Having that emotional friendship and connection takes 2 people make conversation not reading a script( spouse asked me to tell him what to say) and even if i text my spouse EXACT same words i have a friend he "does not get it" or says things like he was not taught how to communicate effectively as a child... lol ......i told him anything he found worthwhile he learned so his refusal to engage in talks showed me how important I am to him.
The disconnect is far deeper. I find my friend remembers things / asks things about myself etc. Spouse comes home says "how was your day" before one word out of my mouth he is in bathroom ....so i refuse to answer and he claims he is trying actions speak louder.
IT is NOT about the talking and communication it is about the respect and support. I was on a streak in a fitness challenge i fell ill and the support was this
spouse: "too bad maybe next time was a stupid streak anyway" (was 365 days of walking at least 5 miles a day)
Friend : "you can do this get up walk in place take breaks i know this is important to you. "
I feel my spouse should have my back know when stuff that is important to me. Ask things he really wants to know not some fake greeting on way to the bathroom.
Maybe this women has issues that by keeping him talking and even flirting or something it is giving her a validation lift she is looking for and not getting from her situation. If this was long term it becomes a habit hard to break. In talking to someone else there is a fun of a secret... we can say goofy things and not be judged. If they are not each others type there is a safety in that ... some people find friends with the opposite sex as a challenge like "they could like me."
This actually gives me some perspective so thanks again. It was a little tough for me to read because he used to be that way with me. WE had things in common, WE had inside jokes & somewhere along the way it was just lost. I definitely don't want to force a connection, but I don't want him pretending to put an effort while im ACTUALLY putting in an effort. I have to swallow my pride & put my ego aside, it just sucks he's not willing to do that for me/our marriage. I could accept it if he were up front. But he keeps saying he wants to work on the marriage. He says this woman is basically happy and she had twins right around the same time we had our daughter. He claims nothing is wrong in her marriage. I think there were some feelings between them in the past. He admitted he behaved the same way with this woman in his last relationship & it caused a big problem. He was deleting messages too. I think he doesn't love me anymore/doesn't want to be with me & is too afraid to tell me. I know he always has this mind frame that "the woman always wins in court" because of what happened with this same ex & his first child. I think thats the only reason he is staying. I just wish he had the courage to speak the truth. I deserve to be happy whether it's with him or without him. And it's the same, he acts like he doesn't know what to say to me.... but he knew 8 years ago though? He knew enough of what to say & what to do to get me to marry him, but now he doesn't know? And yes he lives in his phone too. Prefers to spend his time with others. He only pays attention when he wants something. It feels cringe like I'm being used. Actions speak louder than words, is definitely right. I think I'm just going to say this last part to the therapist. I noticed immediate 5 years ago when he changed on me. So I feel like ive been emotionally starved for the past 5 years. I feel I've run out of patience. I mean how much longer am I supposed to wait this out? Its only been about 2 months of therapy just 2 or 3 sessions and I just don't think any of them went well.
@firepassion
Exactly they knew how to talk to us .......make us feel seen /heard and important ......at some POINT it just no longer mattered to them. I appreciate your words and yes he should have supported it i was on day 364 and he told me it was stupid.
if that woman is happy ect what support does she need from him? It simply does not make sense.
He knew it killed first marriage so why continue? yes mine did same thing at some point his phone or i pad or absolutely anything else instead of me.... I no longer care hope he finds some one who cares.....
Exactly... they're both getting something out of it and I definitely think they were flirting with each other.... or talking badly about me. I'm sure he expressed how I made him feel. But i started looking at him differently when I had the miscarriage. He actually told me "you shousnt have put a soul on it" after knowing i had a loss before that when I was younger. I was shocked. I knew something was wrong immediately. I think he doesn't want to acknowledge that im reacting to him. There is a saying that a wife is a reflection of her husband, my sister told me that when she saw my weight loss & how depressed I was. & day 364??? That's so insensitive. I kinda know how that feels. March is Social Work month, think I got any acknowledgement from him? NOPE. literally any 1 day if the month you can say those words. I worked so hard to get to where I am. He just doesn't express any kind or emotional words to me. But he knows how to offer the cruel ones when we argue. Some of them I can never forget because they reek of disrespect, they're loveless & if thats really his truth then hes definitely not committed to me. It screams "I want to be single, I want less responsibility, I want sex on my terms, I'm okay with possibly just having visitation every other weekend like with my first daughter". I wonder if he's a narcissist. That's what his ex called him, also a sex addict. I know he doesn't care or love me. I just feel it in my gut.
And i think it's messed up that your spouse didn't support you in the fitness challenge. It's so hurtful because that's the person we expect it from
Correction, grammar error: the things i** wanted/ that were important to Me**.
Also he just told me about weekend plans. Helping someone move & to watch a fight with his friend...... he didn't clarify that he would be sleeping over somewhere so I guess I feel rattled now. Just trying to keep it together. I'm on my lunch break now. I don't plan on ask8ng him any more questions about his plans. I don't see the point because I don't feel i can trust his words. Going to try and invite some family over and just busy myself I guess.
@firepassion,
toughTiger6481 has already given some great input.
Sometimes personal things happen to you in a relationship. And you might withdraw, because you need space and time to digest. And the significant other might take it personal.
And neither sit down and/or are able to sit down and talk, for whatever reason. One might starting to feel unheard, not understood, a nuisance, even a persona non grata. And this pattern continues, creating a rift that grows and grows.
And sometimes , feeling unheard, we connect with someone or we run into someone who makes us feeling "self". And we start pouring our emotions into that connection. And less and less into our relationship. And it might become an emotional affair, even if we never meet the other person involved.
It hurts. It's devastating. It does damage, the longer it goes on, the more damage. You try to express how it makes you feel but your partner invalidates your feelings.
I've been there, on the receiving side. I understood why my now ex wife got emotionally close to someone else, but it did do serious damage, while her saying she wanted to trust again and working on reconnecting, starting from scratch. Well, if you keep on pouring energy into another connection, it'll only do more damage.
Only if he is willing or able to validate your feeling and willing or able to understand where you are coming from, and vice versa, there might be a chance to reconnect and rebuild. It takes full commitment, dedication, hard work and a long time.
Maybe you should separate for a while so both of you can ask yourself what you really want. Whether there's enough left to build upon.
Its unfortunate how common this is & the hurt that stays with it. Im sorry that happened to you too. On one hand I did feel bad that he was emotionally hurting in some way. But then what about my feelings you know? He still behaves emotionally unavailable til this day & it's all about him. He still expects me to pay him attention & meet all his needs & then tells me he's sad when I dont??? I think I'm nervous about that idea of separating because it's not so easy with barely any family support & finances. Also the embarrassment to be honest. And also because Im really big on faithfulness & he doesnt even care about our marriage. I have 2 siblings who live nearby & are not really a fan of his, at first yes, they adored him but since theyve seen me decline (health, mental health) they dont think hes being a good sppuse to me. In some ways theyre right but I dont want to tell them. Theyre overprotective.. I just don't want attention. I want peace & quiet. He's away this weekend to help a family member with moving & to hang out with his male friend. He'll be hundreds of miles away & I dont want to think about what he's really doing or who else hes going to flirt with. He destroyed all the trust there was left with what happened recently & im just mentally detaching. It's a weird feeling when you know when it's happening.
@firepassion,
I'd talk to your siblings. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. And you will wear yourself out trying to deal with it all by yourself.
I read your 1st post again. You stated that your therapist advised you to ask him what he wants in a marriage and try to focus on that.
If your therapist really suggested that, and if you want to continue relationship therapy, then I'd dump that therapist ASAP. It goes both ways.
Another thing, but you can't undo it, is you wrote you took of your wedding ring. I understand. Yet, my ex wife did that too and I felt like part of me did when I noticed. Those are acts that can devastate a partner and create a rift beyond repair.
Again, talk to your siblings for starters. They might be able to help. Moving out, either one of you, for a few weeks, might just give you the space you need to step out of this situation and make a decision from the heart, and not one that, right now, is more based on emotions. Decisions based on emotions are the worst ones.
I tend to say, one choice is no choice, two choices is a diploma. See to it that you have at least three choices.
