I need help….. please 🙏🏼
I have been with my partner for 1 1/2 years we are engaged and been friends for over 5 years.
We had plans to move in together …. To get married this year but after we got engaged about 7 months ago things started changing .
As far as I have known him he made me happy , made me laugh, cared for me , loved me ….. then 7 months ago things changed a lot of stuff happened in our lives with our families that really had nothing to do with us but he kept making it an excuse to how he was treating me .
For the last 6 months I have been telling him , I don’t feel loved, cared for, I don’t think this relationship is important to you anymore, this relationship isn’t a priority anymore, there’s no intimacy, he doesn’t hug me , kiss me …..
I have tried so much and for so long to try to hold his hand, kiss him , hug him, sit next to him … and I got rejected so many times.. and now I can’t do it .
There has been so many times that he shuts down if a conversation doesn’t go his way and he won’t talk to me for days to weeks…. I always tried to call him text him and now I’m numb to it all. I have changed so much it’s scaring me.
Again today the conversation didn’t go like he wanted and today was the first time seeing him in 5 days so I ended up leaving which I never have done.
His sister has told me that I need to leave this relationship. He will never change. He has been this way and for a while he did get so much better and our relationship was good but then he went backwards and got worse.
she has told me that I don’t deserve this. He will be alone forever and I need to get on with my life because I am wasting my time with him.
After talking to her it really made me realize that I am holding onto something I will never have.
This is my dilemma and I know it’s ridiculous…. I know this relationship has come to a horrible spot and I am so tired and exhausted….
Should I put an end to this relationship….
OR
Should I say I want a break to see what happening
BTW - He isn’t cheating. He blames his mental health on how he treats me and I don’t agree with that.
Please help …
@Lovee00
Did his sister say more on what he has had in past sounds like a history of mental struggles. The relationship may have lifted him from whatever was bothering him but sounds like a temporary fix...him treating you poorly can be his way of hoping you walk away and feel it is on your terms instead of dealing with the issue.
In all relationships the person we are with have parts of them they may have never showed us. Unless you reach a point where he is ready to deal with whatever his is dealing with this will continue.
He has mental health issues and I have known that from the start but it never ever got in the way of him loving me. He’s been In therapy he knows what needs to be done . But it feels like our relationship and him making an effort isn’t important enough .
@Lovee00
Interesting line "he knows what needs to be done" .........
I think of so many people who KNOW what to do in many situations ... but putting it is practice is another thing.... it is not always about knowing what to do ... it is about it wanting to do it ... and feeling doing what needs to be done is important to him.
Exactly. I feel like it’s not that important to him anymore. It’s like he gives me a little bit but then goes 10 steps back. It’s just a very confusing situation to be in.
@Lovee00
If he has had struggles for a long time it really is not a reflection on you...it is an internal thing.
when in a depression or feeling like who gives a hoot.......even if you can look at your partner and know you love them ........sometimes that is not enough to break me out of a funk and i get worse trying to force myself to do something i do not feel up to.
You described the last 15 years of my life until May when I got help. Now I don't have that I know I love you but not feeling it moment anymore. I'm medicated now therapist can't work that fast.
Sweetheart I had s man like this once. His mom, dad, grandmother, aunts basically his whole family warned me . I stayed longer then I should have becauae he said it was mental health issues and kept making promises to change etc. The honest truth is that if he doesn't want to get better for himself then he won't for you. You've done the right thing by telling him how you feel for a long time and waiting for him to make changes. But I honestly think that in your heart of hearts you kind of know what you need to do. I prayed for 6 months that God will give me strength to walk away and leave the person I was with and it hurt at the time. But his family was right. There is a love out there waiting for you that will match you in the same depth of commitment, love, passion, understanding, and healthy relationship. You'll be saved from more heart break if you let this go
This really hit me hard. I understand the mental health stuff I really do but what really makes me think differently is how he could get up and go to work and do what he NEEDS to do. Like he prioritizes things he needs too but this relationship he doesn’t .
Thank you for replying to this . I do know what I need to do deep inside I just really don’t know why I can’t do it and get it over with. I think I am scared of the hurt that will come. Which makes me mad cause the way he is know is like I am nothing to him he does days without reaching out and I made it a point I will not be the one reaching out first anymore I’m sick of doing that!
I’m no expert or anything but I reckon half of what you’ve said my husband could say about me if he cared to. I’m the one with mental health issues in our relationship and sometimes I’m good but sometimes I’m not. And it effects our relationship and it effects our children too. We’ve been married 10yrs this year and together for 12. There have been times when I thought we’d both be better off splitting but we’ve worked through each bump. I realised for us, it works because we’re equally committed to each other. Someone will be working harder than the other at times but we both come around eventually. If we both weren’t equally committed I can only imagine how ugly it would be by now. I remember when we were engaged his mum asking me at one point ‘do you truly love my son?’ True committed love is meant to be in the hard times as well as the good times. When you get to that point though… well… the reality is just painful. And awful. And you can’t see the other side. You can choose to hope for it to be better on the other side though. But there’s never a guarantee. I’m lucky so far. We’ve hoped and it’s paid off. I know others that hope and it doesn’t pay off on their time frame.
You really need to look deep and listen to your own impressions and instincts. The only person that understands EVERYTHING about what you’re experiencing in your relationship is you. And you do have the answer. You just have to find it. As you read through all our opinions and suggestions I’m sure different thoughts will go through your mind. Have them, sort through them and then when you feel confident in your decision about whether to end the relationship or take a break, have confidence in that decision and then keep walking.
I hope you find the peace and love you so need and deserve around the corner. Keep walking and you’ll get there!
You pretty much said it right there you both were in this and committed to make the relationship work how ever that was. But I am feeling very alone here. I’m in relationship and I have never felt so lonely.
I’m so sorry you feel so alone 😫 I think it is worse when you’re actually in a relationship and feeling that way…
Are things still the same then? No change either way? I hope you’ve gotten to express to him how lonely you feel 💜💜
Oh so true not being about to count on your partner is very hard and when you feel lonely you have no one .
Things are the same. He knows exactly how I feel but again blames the mental health on this actions.
I maybe you ultimatum him then find out if he cares. I will do anything for my wife. If she says cut your arm off or I'm not marrying you then you will find me in the backyard with a saw. Going to therapy is way easier and being willing to try medication. If that fails I'm on the walker train
You can’t give an ultimatum to something that claims has no control over his mental health . And Professionals are not helping as much as they should
If he is blaming mental health for his behavior. He needs to talk to a professional not his buddies at the bar a therapist counselor.
If he wants to be in a relationship with you he will.
Then there is marriage counseling you don't have to be married you are potentially going to be and this is where I think he could be telling the truth. Getting married changes thing in a man head. The responsibility of caring for and being with a spouse is hard. It's not that it's a problem but the stress that comes with the thought of what if I can't afford rent or a car or food or a house will she leave me because of it or maybe she will get a job and help then find someone else at work and fall in love with him/ her instead .. I've been there it is a stressful time being engaged especially if you love the mate more than you thought possible.
A break isn't the best I have walled away and shut down over a break before.
I can't say how he feels but that is how I felt leading up to my second marriage. Basically scared anxious happy then depressed over the what ifs
He does talk to. Professional. We have been in couples therapy since last August.
He says he wants this relationship but he blames his anxiety for not being the way he would be and act .
I honesty think I will see what happens but if there’s no change then I have no idea what will happen.
