Is it time to call it?
I really have been thinking and questioning more lately than ever whether my marriage is even salvageable. I know I love him. I love our family. But is that enough? I find myself putting a lot of effort into things. Communication. Spending time. Intimacy. General bonding type stuff.
I think what hurts the most is that I came from an abusive background since I was a baby. I thought my marriage and have children was my way to finally take control over my life and play my own cards instead of the ones I have been dealt. I will admit I can be rigid and rash. I struggle with bipolar. PTSD. Bpd. Anxiety and depression for years. Still I feel like with all those things I take accountability for my actions and push myself to grow. Try and be better for myself and my family.
Despite all that. Nothing I ever do is good enough. We argue. He drinks. He gets aggressive and physical. “Blacks out” and has no recollection of it later. However, the things I do. Try and put effort towards is constantly scrutinized. For seven years he had not taken action on his drinking problem. Won’t acknowledge that he has hurt me, because he has “no recollection” of it. There’s never no real feeling of remorse when i tell him what he has done while blacked out. Instead says he’s never been a violent person in his life before me. “It must be me…”.
I stand up for myself, but I’m not going to lie I’m really starting to feel defeated and snuffed out by life at this point. I needed this marriage to work out. Because I’ve always felt like a failure or unworthy. When I tried to take the “bull by the horns” (which was not him at first. He was very sweet and kind) right my own story. I’m feeling worse than when my mother left me and my sister to find a home when we were just 3 and 4 years old. He takes none of my past into consideration. No empathy. Compassion. And truly makes me feel like he despises me. Is it time to call it?
Thank you 🙏🏽. You’re so right. I get caught up in all the “research” I’ve been doing where I still try and consider both sides of things. Whether it hurts or benefits me. I know I’m not always the easiest person to deal with. With all of my trauma and emotional baggage. I just wish he saw/viewed/loved me like I have for him. Faults, flaws and all. I think we both feel stuck at this point. As we have two babies with a very rare metabolic genetic disorder. That requires nursing care. Which has been a blessing for sure. I just feel like, I know I handle business. I’m the biggest advocate for my little ones. But my outspoken/ “harsh” exterior always gets blamed before seeing me as an actual person. With feelings. Heart ache. I never knew my parents. The people I’ve always assumed should set the foundation for what’s to come. Good or bad. I always felt like if my own parents left me and didn’t think twice about it. How could anyone else care about me. That’s why when I got into this situation I really should have been more careful as I know as well as any how even the closest of people can break you. I try not to think of myself as broken. I really do. I’m just exhausted with all the effort and fight I’ve put in for so long. Where it always seems to land/end the same. Crushed. I really feel like I will forever be heartbroken.