I've been toxic without realizing
I 30M have been with my partner 23F for around 2 and a half years now, we have 2 children together and obviously it was very fast into the relationship.
I have done things over the span of the relationship without realizing until now. I had constantly made her feel like she wasn't good enough, lied to her, kept secrets and tried to revert blame in arguments back onto her.
It's not an excuse but I felt like she was too good for me which is the reason I'd put her down. I felt like if she could be herself she'd realize that I wasn't enough.
I have started to make changes by journaling and self help books to help me get to the person I want to be but because I've let her down so many times I'm scared that she's become numb to me and our relationship and is only staying for the kids.
Need advice on how I can convince her I want her, need her, love her and will never let myself get back to how I was before.
FYI I also have a gambling addiction that I lied about and recently relapsed.
@KieKieG
I think if Anyone realizes things they have done the best remedy is to be open and honest about things.
So many take the idea "i will be better from now on" but the lingering of past issues often are like a weed unless you get the roots out it will only grow back.
@KieKieG I've been through the worst up to cheating and betrayal in my relationship. We have 2 girls and another on the way. Despite it all, even my resentment ive decided to give it one last chance. I am distant and not the person I was before but in this moment it's up to him to make me feel safe and loved again and one day we will hopefully be okay and I will be different but our relationship will be stronger I think. To me what would make me feel safe and loved would be efforts constantly to show love whether it be flowers, a massage, a self care day set up away from the children, there's so many things you could do. Prioritizing date nights every week and put in real effort to show you care enough to plan something special. Give her kind words and compliments consistently, make up for the past hurt. Keep it consistent, if you love her the hard work will be worth it. Give it all you got even on the hard days and eventually you'll see her open back up to you.
I do love her, more than anything in the world I mean she gave me 2 beautiful children and I'd do anything for her and them. I just have a feeling that it's taken me too long to get to the point where I'm becoming a better person for us all and the relationship that I cherish will fall apart. I know it's a long journey and it's going to have complications along the way and I'm more than happy to continue putting in the effort and growing as a father and partner.
I just don't think I'll ever be able to do enough or be enough to heal what's been broken. I feel like as much as I try I'm always going to be the toxic person that broke her, lied to her, cheated and has been absent so much making her feel like a single parent.
I know I'm not that man anymore and I know that the work I'm doing will cement the fact that I won't be again but I don't think she will ever believe it, she will be waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time.
I don't want to lose her but feel like I already have if that makes sense.
My heart is shattering every day not knowing if I'm enough or ever going to be enough.
This makes me seem like the victim and I'm sorry. I'm not the victim at all because she is truly amazing and wonderful and I'd do absolutely anything for her. to see herself how I see her every day, to feel the love I have for her, to know that to me she's everything.
She's too good for me in all honesty and I know that which is what scares me more than anything.