I want to become less reactive to his bad behaviour
I have been with my husband for over 25 years. We got together really young, made our family and have been through a lot of trauma together. He used to have addiction problems (which made his moods erratic and there were times he was abusive- he is now clean but our relationship is explosive. We fight hard and love hard) and I had baggage from growing up with an abusive dad. I get very defensive and reactive when ever he does something that hurts me. I guess I can be abusive to him as he is very sensitive to everything. I know it's my defense mechanism to protect myself. I want to learn to be less reactive/ have less explosive reactions. For us, but more for myself. I have started to have high blood pressure from the stress ( I found out he did something behind my back that really was out of character for him - not cheating) and I want to be able to let certain things go and handle how I react to them better.
@dynamicJackfruit5426
I could have wrote this post, only a few differences. I too noticed my BP and general attitude was suffering. Have you heard of the let them theory
The Let Them Theory is a personal empowerment approach that teaches you to stop trying to control others and focus on your own actions, freeing yourself from stress and unnecessary worry.
We cannot change others only ourselves.
I was also verbally negative and borderline abusive in our fights, but I realized it did not help or change things. I tried approaching things better using I feel statements and like "I feel upset you chose to do X without it being a joint decision" or "I do not feel you understand how stress is affecting me". These were helpful.......... we can say things about how we feel not like ... " you always" statements etc.
I learned at different stages of relationships........ We are simply not the people we once were ...we change our priorities and what we tolerate. I for example was a person who went along with other wishes....... when I started saying NO, He felt it was out of character. No, it is a change he did see happening.
Our disagreements now are about time wasted not recognizing and adjusting to the changes in each other.