Life speed variance
Stuck in cycle on intense an argument pretty much every week with my partner. Been together a long time but the crux of our arguments is that we should have more and be further in our lives and it is me holding us back. I should trust more. They've had patience this long but it's running out as I haven't brought anything to our relationship I'm just taking all the good stuff they've brought. I do things, fix things, chase round after family but I haven't done anything for myself or us.
I think I am the problem, I get overwhelmed by the expectation of doing all the small things I don't give much time to the bigger things. Also the smaller things I think feel safer than the bigger things. We've spoken about this so many times but I think I approach things too chilled. It's now causing massive problems and I'm constantly being accused of being uncaring otherwise I'd change.
I don't know what to do, I try to chip away at things. To me it's hard but they're like you're wasting so much of our time and lives being the way you are.
Feel stuck
@conscientiousNickel7021
I like your title.
What types of things are you looking to do to bring more into relationship? Do you share the same vision of what you both want to be in the now and in the future? How can you get there if you are not sure of the destination.
some partners have slightly different ideas, and the other one thinks they are on the path, but they are not on the path we thought they should be.
@toughTiger6481
The new one today is everyday I'm breaking their heart because we should have more in life and we don't. Because they feel I have made promises at the start of the relationship and haven't delivered they constantly think I'm lying...about everything.
We haven't expanded our family, we have a child but he's not blood related to me. I have reproductive issues been to different hospitals over the years it's not something that I'm making up. Looked into IVF it's not straightforward, long story but I don't feel supported the majority of the time and I actually dread having conversations around this because I know it will turn into an argument. I hate arguments, knowing one will loom really puts me off situations. Their feedback is the situation doesn't need to be difficult just get on with it. But this is where the pace issue also comes in. Don't know what the answer is here.
We haven't moved house. Put the house up for sale a few years ago had a buyer we found a house but they didn't want to go to the solicitors with me to sort mortgage etc. We pulled out from the buyer we lost the other house stayed where we are. But it comes down to me not being assertive enough in the situation to make sure we did. I clearly don't want to move is what I was told. Even though i do but there's only so much you can do by yourself without the other person's involvement which is why it all fell through. I want to move but not sure where or when. I have no ties to where we live now I've said this many times.
Their family come round constantly causes them stress but they don't know when to say no or push back because they love their family so will do anything for them but then moan that they feel taken advantage of. This is my fault because I facilitate the situation by trying to help so now their family expect me to help all the time as well which leaves no time for us. I'm told I don't care about us because I'm prioritising everyone else. When you get in a relationship you want your family to like your partner. Feel like I've done this too much now because I get criticised for helping.
We were aligned on all these areas at the start and it feels when it turned out there was a boulder in the road we couldn't navigate it at all and just end up in a disagreement.
I don't know how we got so disjointed. It's an absolute mess
@conscientiousNickel7021
You cannot work on them they have to... I know how frustrating that is believe me. I dislike when people say things like not where we should be she needs to define that MOST people are not where they thought they would be... life changes and things change not helping you get mortgage straightened out or other things and blaming you is ridiculous .... same with family we are wrong no matter what we do help them we do too much .. not help and still the bad one. you need full definition of where in her mind you should be... what is the plan because it will never change with blanket statement and not working together to me, she is telling you she will never be happy.
@toughTiger6481 I agree with you about sometimes things can change or circumstances but that is pretty much not acceptable. We literally can't go two days without arguing now. It's quite bad having to hide it in front of everyone else.
They have asked for a check in every day - something like today I have or have not contributed to our relationship because... I admit I haven't done this the last 2 days. I find it hard to identify I haven't done something if it isn't in the forefront of my head. I have tried to say when I have done things but was told my attempts at doing things isn't good enough I should be doing more.
They came home from work earlier, went out for a walk for an hour then just avoided me the rest the evening. I asked do you think we need to talk to clear the air and got a response along the lines of why when we both think different things have happened. I said I'm trying to communicate better and if you can't connect with what I have to say I've reworded it to see if that helps. Their response was they have no patience for my way of being anymore because I manipulate every situation. I said well it seems before you even give me a chance you are already casting me in a negative light so if you keep doing that how can we move forward? They said it is years of putting up with me and putting me first that has made their behaviour the way it is now. They just keep going back to when we first got together and they were chasing me and how I have changed them into a not so nice person because they have become bitter. When we first got together we spoke about having a family, moving to a nice house, getting married but none of those things have happened for various reasons. It shouldn't be so hard? The conversation ended and I went downstairs and stayed downstairs for a couple hours. Figured they must of got annoyed (wasn't intentional just I'm fed up of getting nowhere) they come downstairs and were like are you not coming back to try again? Needless to say this conversation escalated we pushed each other and now we're ignoring each other. I really don't know if I see a way forward.
@toughTiger6481 I agree with you about sometimes things can change or circumstances but that is pretty much not acceptable. We literally can't go two days without arguing now. It's quite bad having to hide it in front of everyone else.
They have asked for a check in every day - something like today I have or have not contributed to our relationship because... I admit I haven't done this the last 2 days. I find it hard to identify I haven't done something if it isn't in the forefront of my head. I have tried to say when I have done things but was told my attempts at doing things isn't good enough I should be doing more.
They came home from work earlier, went out for a walk for an hour then just avoided me the rest the evening. I asked do you think we need to talk to clear the air and got a response along the lines of why when we both think different things have happened. I said I'm trying to communicate better and if you can't connect with what I have to say I've reworded it to see if that helps. Their response was they have no patience for my way of being anymore because I manipulate every situation. I said well it seems before you even give me a chance you are already casting me in a negative light so if you keep doing that how can we move forward? They said it is years of putting up with me and putting me first that has made their behaviour the way it is now. They just keep going back to when we first got together and they were chasing me and how I have changed them into a not so nice person because they have become bitter. When we first got together we spoke about having a family, moving to a nice house, getting married but none of those things have happened for various reasons. It shouldn't be so hard? The conversation ended and I went downstairs and stayed downstairs for a couple hours. Figured they must of got annoyed (wasn't intentional just I'm fed up of getting nowhere) they come downstairs and were like are you not coming back to try again? Needless to say this conversation escalated we pushed each other and now we're ignoring each other. I really don't know if I see a way forward.
@conscientiousNickel7021
I am sorry this keeps going like this. I know the struggle I have had this same situation from both sides really.
I am not at all where I thought we should be and so I tried to overdo it on my side. This was not partners fault that I too became bitter. I want to blame partner, but in reality, I was not sharing with them that I was scrimping every bit of money to pay off debt or save up for a big purchase or cushion. I just was mad they were not helping ... how could they when I had not clearly shared my objective with them.
But when that happens it is not on the other person IMO.... we have control over our reactions and mood, and how far we let it affect us. We push our own mad buttons is what a teacher once said, and it stuck with me....i chose my reaction to be angry or let it go.
If she is bitter maybe she is disappointed in everything including herself but wants the focus to be on you so she has someone to blame. can she define her work towards your general goals.
Instead of thinking about and defending what you have done or reaching a specific destination. calmly discuss setting SMART goals.
- Specific: Clearly define what you want to achieve.
- Measurable: Establish criteria to track progress.
- Achievable: Ensure that the goal is realistic and attainable.
- Relevant: Align the goal with broader objectives.
- From what you have said it does not sound like you have had specific goals or kept with a time frame. These are SOMEDAY goals that seldom advance.Specific what type of house? this can be limited by area you live and what is available. would you consider other areas or moving? if you have a ballpark of $$ and credit needed to buy that can be measured.Married what is stopping you? Do you both have Specific ideas for example big wedding/ small gathering/ maybe quick one at a courthouse.? When you define that you can break it down to small achievable and measured goals.without a specific destination or map it is very HARD to get there.
@toughTiger6481
We also need to be careful about what we think we want.
I griped and was angry my partner was not helping more... but then recently he had time off from work decided to clean and cook and do shopping and I am upset not because he was not helping but he did everything different... I see I want it done my way and that is unrealistic.
they cook items I would not have .... when they clean, they put thing in different spots then I would. they buy different brands or items, and I get frustrated not because no help, in some cases they do better than I did///// but I feel odd that I am still not doing things I could with all this time I have since they took over housework. I am mad at me for procrastinating. I have used the I have to do everything for so long it is upsetting to see I have no excuse to put things off anymore.
@toughTiger6481 I have heard of SMART before. I'm not sure we can even have that conversation at the moment as we are back to arguing again. Over the weekend we made the effort to go to a family event....one that we were both stuck in having to go to but didn't want to but should. It went as ok as it could. We were ok with each other having a joke about. But come back to normal start of the week. I prioritised looking after our kid....I'm off work for a few days, my partner is not. I literally had a list in my head of things needed to do to try make the day go smoothly so there wasn't an argument about you haven't done this or that for him. Juggled some stuff with other family members and we have still ended up arguing...because they would have done things differently. And I also prioritised nothing for us. I'm not sure how I was meant to do that when looking after a child. Went to sleep last night ignoring each other. I was told they would rather go to sleep than talk to me. I am boring. They know what I'm going to say, how I'm going to say it, when I'm going to be self conscious, how I'm going to approach a conversation, they know what my mannerisms are going to be. When I'm going to get defensive. They are bored they want me to push myself...but at the same time be me.
Right now we're not really talking to each other. I tried to talk, didn't work. I tried to give them a hug and show some affection even though I felt uncomfortable...thought should push myself and got told I'm being wooden. I said it's because every time I do something I get criticised so it's hard not to get defensive. You're saying you want me to be me but it doesn't seem like you like me being me. I even tried to be the bigger person and was like ok let's finish the conversation and watch some TV together. So we'd be doing something together. But I didn't feel like they wanted to (they were on their phone) so I said it doesn't feel like you want to watch something. So they said what is it you want me to do, what it it you want me to be like? So I responded with I'm trying to draw a line under things but it doesn't feel like can do that coz you're clearly not ok. But you don't want me to talk coz I get accused of going on but if I try to get us to do something else I'm accused of brushing things under the carpet. Even though I'm actually trying to take feedback.... problem with that is then I'm working off a list in the back of my head and I'm not being myself. I'm told I'm emotionally disconnected because I say things in a certain way or when I say how I feel I say the same things. I probably do use the same phrases because that's how I best see fit to describe how I feel.
I don't think we can actually spend time alone together without disagreeing. I feel like we're both on an emotional rollercoaster all the time. Sorry for the big rant. I just don't know how we're meant to move forward and it's tiring
@toughTiger6481 I have heard of SMART before. I'm not sure we can even have that conversation at the moment as we are back to arguing again. Over the weekend we made the effort to go to a family event....one that we were both stuck in having to go to but didn't want to but should. It went as ok as it could. We were ok with each other having a joke about. But come back to normal start of the week. I prioritised looking after our kid....I'm off work for a few days, my partner is not. I literally had a list in my head of things needed to do to try make the day go smoothly so there wasn't an argument about you haven't done this or that for him. Juggled some stuff with other family members and we have still ended up arguing...because they would have done things differently. And I also prioritised nothing for us. I'm not sure how I was meant to do that when looking after a child. Went to sleep last night ignoring each other. I was told they would rather go to sleep than talk to me. I am boring. They know what I'm going to say, how I'm going to say it, when I'm going to be self conscious, how I'm going to approach a conversation, they know what my mannerisms are going to be. When I'm going to get defensive. They are bored they want me to push myself...but at the same time be me.
Right now we're not really talking to each other. I tried to talk, didn't work. I tried to give them a hug and show some affection even though I felt uncomfortable...thought should push myself and got told I'm being wooden. I said it's because every time I do something I get criticised so it's hard not to get defensive. You're saying you want me to be me but it doesn't seem like you like me being me. I even tried to be the bigger person and was like ok let's finish the conversation and watch some TV together. So we'd be doing something together. But I didn't feel like they wanted to (they were on their phone) so I said it doesn't feel like you want to watch something. So they said what is it you want me to do, what it it you want me to be like? So I responded with I'm trying to draw a line under things but it doesn't feel like can do that coz you're clearly not ok. But you don't want me to talk coz I get accused of going on but if I try to get us to do something else I'm accused of brushing things under the carpet. Even though I'm actually trying to take feedback.... problem with that is then I'm working off a list in the back of my head and I'm not being myself. I'm told I'm emotionally disconnected because I say things in a certain way or when I say how I feel I say the same things. I probably do use the same phrases because that's how I best see fit to describe how I feel.
I don't think we can actually spend time alone together without disagreeing. I feel like we're both on an emotional rollercoaster all the time. Sorry for the big rant. I just don't know how we're meant to move forward and it's tiring
@conscientiousNickel7021
I have been in similar spot when we are second guessing every move or waiting for some petty problem or critical comment, it is miserable. Doing things, you do not want to because of obligation, or you should add to other small irritations. Saying no, we cannot make it is freeing.
The "I would have done it different" is not really what it seems. We have had this both ways and I feel it is about control or a dig about something else.
Example: my partner could never do small things I asked, then one day they have done most of those things. I was a bit angry but not about how it was done but other things. things like why that was so hard and why it took til now. They did not think things thru and misplaced items I had out. I was about to have a disagreement and see I was not included and that might have been on design because when we work together, we disagree. I took a deep breath and see it was not worth escalating and later told them I appreciate the effort.
I think many cannot or do not talk because we are scared of how it will go. we tell ourselves we need the "right" time etc. There is no right time but the longer we wait things get worse many divorced people I know have said IF they had handled this or had the hard talks sooner.
my problems were under the radar not what they assumed etc. Still are, but I am handling it better and speaking up about small things like a pressure release about the real issues I have. We have made progress with this approach and smart goals with deadlines as he only seems to have motivation with a deadline.