Losing last grandparent: Bring old feelings of no plans for my future when something happens to my parents
So my grandpa been in the hospital since around Dec 1st He might be passing the next 24-48hours. He's my last reaming grandparent, his wife, my grandma passed away in 2013. And my Dad's parents his Dad died in 1999, and his mom died in 2007.
When Grandma died, Mom asked if I wanted to go to kind of "say goodbye" when it happened but I didn't -I didn't know why at the time. And Mom asked me the same question today,
I think the problem is these things make me think about the fact that we have no plans for my welfare/future stability or when something might happen to Mom and Dad. All we have at the moment is Luna being my finances guardian but that's it. There's no other plans regarding me and my future stability.
Like I'm someone who is disabled and has lived in the same house in the same neighborhood all my life (35 years) and I lived with my parents. It has a backyard with veggies that I can help plant and grow (have to replant every year) and also a nice above-ground swimming pool- I can't swim in a in-ground pool due to an ancient tube in my year.
So I'm afraid of having to move out of the house because I think an apartment (if someone would even rent to me on Disability income) would be too noisy. And also due to the fact I'm a rule-follower I would cause problems for others in group home (not to mention a group home might be noisy). But I would need someone on hand to help me with my hair because there's no way I can cut it but I can't braid it either on my own-only a "messy" braid. And I would definitely need someone here overnight during 24hr pee collection because I can't pour my pee into the bowl. Those are the few things I can think of, which i would need help with.
Due to how my bed's set up, I can't change my bed on my own. At the moment, I can only take the stuffed animals off my bed, and get the pillow case and bed sheet/ bed cover off the bed but that's about it with the bed.
The only other major problem would be I would actually need to get a paying job. Which is a problem when I'm on DI.
There's probably other examples as well. But these are some of them.
Both my parents are in their 70s. I been bugging them for years to have this discussion even though i know I'm a nervous wreck when I think about it. I don't have a social worker my Mom dismissed that when we signed up for DSO (Development Services Ontario).
But i'm planning on writing an email to Particion House, for their social program. So I could probably get help that way.
It sounds like you are going through an incredibly difficult time right now. The imminent loss of your last grandparent is a significant emotional event on its own, and it is completely understandable that it would bring up deep, important concerns about your future security and well-being. It's clear you're thinking about a lot, and these feelings and fears are very real and valid.
Here are some supportive thoughts and practical ideas to help you navigate this time and address your concerns.
Navigating Grief and Immediate Emotions
Please be gentle with yourself as you face the loss of your grandfather. It is okay to have complex feelings right now.
- Allow yourself to feel: Grief can manifest in many ways. It is perfectly fine if you want to say goodbye or if you prefer not to; neither choice is right or wrong, only what feels best for you.
- Acknowledge the weight of this loss: This is the end of an era as the grandparent generation passes. It's a natural time to reflect on family, life, and the future.
Addressing Your Long-Term Concerns
It is a very good sign that you are thinking practically about your needs (hair help, bed changes, medical assistance) and what aspects of your life you value (your home, backyard, pool). These are the building blocks of a stable future plan. The key is to start these conversations now, while your parents are still here and healthy, so that everyone can make thoughtful, proactive decisions together.
Here are some ideas for you to possibly consider:
1. Have a Heartfelt Conversation with Your Parents
The best first step is an open and honest conversation with your parents when things are calmer. Frame your concerns around your needs and desires, not as an accusation that they haven't planned enough.
- Set aside time: Ask them to sit down for a serious but loving talk about "future planning" or "making sure I'm taken care of."
- Be specific about your worries: You can use the exact points you mentioned: you love your home environment, you worry about the noise of apartments/group homes, and you have specific physical needs (hair, bed changes, medical tasks).
- Focus on collaboration: Emphasize that you want to work with them to create a plan that gives everyone peace of mind.
2. Start Legal and Financial Planning
You mentioned your Luna is your finances guardian, but more is needed. You and your parents need to work with professionals to get comprehensive legal documents in place.
- Special Needs Planning: Look for an attorney specializing in special needs planning or elder law. They can help with crucial steps:
- Trusts: A Special Needs Trust (SNT) can be set up to hold assets for your benefit without jeopardizing your eligibility for government benefits (like SSI/SSDI).
- Wills: Your parents' wills should explicitly direct assets intended for your care into this SNT.
- Guardianship/Power of Attorney: Formalize who makes decisions for you (financial and medical) if your parents cannot. Luna is a great start, but this needs legal structure.
- Financial Advisers: A financial planner with experience in disability planning can help ensure there are enough funds set aside for your long-term care needs.
- Use your current resources: The Development Services Ontario (DSO) website has resources on disability benefits. Understanding precisely what your current income provides and how it interacts with future planning is vital.
3. Explore Future Living Options and Support Systems
It sounds like you ideally want to stay in your current home, which is a wonderful goal. Planning can help make that possible.
- Staying in your home: Can your parents set up a plan that leaves the house in a trust for you, along with funds for its upkeep and property taxes? This is a very common goal in special needs planning.
- In-home care: You mentioned needing help with specific tasks. This type of care is available via in-home support services, which can range from occasional visits (e.g., a few hours for hair/bed changes) to overnight assistance for medical needs.
- Research local home health agencies.
- Alternative housing ideas: While apartments and group homes worry you, there are many variations.
- "Intentional communities" or smaller, supported living homes in residential neighborhoods might offer the quiet environment you desire with necessary support staff present.
Next Steps for You
Right now, focus on your grandfather. When the immediate crisis has passed:
- Grieve: Give yourself time to process this loss.
- Organize: Start gathering information about your current benefits and your parents' basic financial situation.
- Talk: Use this challenging time as motivation to initiate a proactive, loving conversation with your parents about formalizing a plan for your stable future.
You are being incredibly thoughtful by considering these things. By planning ahead, you can reduce the fear of the unknown and build a secure, comfortable future that respects your needs and preferences.
@CalmRosebud We're going to be having "The talk" in Feb. But even before Grandpa was dying I had been pushing for this "the talk"
Tanks you for those suggestion but regarding trusts, For reasons unknown to me, Dad doesn't trust, trust funds. Because I had suggested trust fund be set up for me occasionally and Dad got all mad.
But another reason I don't want to leave the house I grow up with is because expect for Taco bell and DQ I can walk everywhere else in town. The church, the library, the store, etc.
@CalmRosebud I forgot to mention I'm already have some DSO.
@Disneywoman
I’m really sorry you’re facing this. Losing your last grandparent can bring up so much grief and fear about the future. It’s okay to say goodbye in your own way, and it’s also okay that this moment is pushing you to think about plans you’ve needed for a long time. Reaching out to a social program sounds like a brave and important step. Take care
One thought I have is maybe grandpa dying is more personal this time because I'm been the go between/"owl" between my Aunt and Mom about grandpa's health and Mom doesn't have social media?
We will have "the talk" in February but as I said, Dad doesn't like trust funds because I have brought it up before of trust funds. I just have to think of questions to ask I have some.