Marriage breakdown
iv had the hardest week of my life. My husband of ten years told me it was over last week. Iv been living with my parents since. Things have moved very fast and I am obviously in shock and total denial. He has been very ‘nice’ about it for want of a better word and despite the heartbreak and devastation there has been no arguments so to speak. For me it is out of the blue. He has many smaller reasons but the over arching theme being my complete reliance on him for everything. Which I don’t dispute and know has been an issue for a number of years. I have no friends and no social activities. Abstained from all life decisions or management of finances, planning trips, car choices etc. I put this down to my low self confidence and anxiety. He says we have both been unhappy and unhealthy in our relationship for a while. Whilst he says he loves me and cares deeply for me he said there is nothing we are able to do to fix what is broken.
I disagree but that’s irrelevant. Regardless of his reasons he doesn’t want to continue in the marriage regardless of his very obvious hurt and pain also.
I’m only 33 and have been with him since I was 19. He’s 8 yrs my senior.
i don’t know what I’m asking for here, I suppose just writing I down is cathartic?
I feel I have lost my whole life, my home, iv rehomes some pets, my husband, my step daughter. It’s all an awful lot to cope with, im not sleeping or eating and can’t see a way forward alone.
we are meeting tomorrow to discuss a financial separation and establish some short term financial independence. I know I’ll find it extremely tough.
@amiableSkies5006
I am sorry you are dealing with this. was there a reason you isolated yourself... and let yourself become so dependent ? .... perhaps because you were so young when you met and as he is older you may felt he should make decisions etc....
What is so hard is you will go to being totally dependent on yourself perhaps for the first time. while i can agree this was most likely causing some issues in your relationship it may at one time been able to be addressed and corrected. it is sad to me when so many couples do not deal with things until it is almost or past repair. i hope your parents can help as it is hard to be thrust into a decision making role when you have relied on others for so long. perhaps you should have a third party help you with any divorce/ finance settlement since you are not really sure of what the finances are.
@amiableSkies5006
My heart goes out to you. I can tell you were a giver and in a one sided relationship. I can't imagine how painful it must be to lose the one you built your life around.
@amiableSkies5006
I live pretty much the same thing, we have the same age and I break up with my 10 years partner. I have a few friends but I was very dependent to him, seems like my all sanity was under his responsability. We can't go on our relationship because we were both unhappy but it seem so unfair. Sometimes I wish we get back together even i know there was a lot of problems in our relationship.
You have all my support.
Ami, I am sorry to hear of your situation.
i am also having a. Wry difficult time in my 15y marriage.. my wife’s self esteem has dropped over maybe 4-5 years. She told me what I think a couple times, without my consent. This threw a big wrench in our relationship.
i fear you may be in a similar situation.
you say he made many of the decisions in your relationship. I trust not all. Key on your power. I am assuming you want your marriage to continue, and grow. But either way, you are enough! If you can embrace this fact, you will be more attractive and worthy of the good things. I hope your parents are supporting you in more ways than simply giving you shelter. They have opened their doors to you, share you thought (and fears) with them if you will. They may have wise words for your situation.
best, YesIam
Thankyou for all your words.
I am very strongly in denial and bargaining stage. Suggesting not making things final and living together. He does not really respond to the suggestions. Just says it would not work.
I am over analysing every word he says and every action he makes. Yesterday he called me a term of endearment in a text message. I know this will have been because
of habit but it gives me hope. He has also tried to call me this morning to ‘go over a few things’ but I missed the call.
I know I am only hurting myself more by not accepting things but I cannot see any life or future without him right now
I am in a similar situation too.
A month has passed and I am in my second month.
Please don't feel guilty over overanalyzing things and being hopeful. I think it means that your brain is working just fine trying to soften the blow of the reality. I named it survival-mode.
The pain, I compared it to addiction and think of myself as someone going through withdrawal. The pain is temporary. It is really rough and not easy but the pain will be easier to manage after awhile.
I hope you be kind to yourself.
@amiableSkies5006
The way human love act like addiction in our brain. When I feel desperate to see my ex, i say "it's only chemical". It's really tought to stay away from the one we love and cause pain.
Give you and him time.
How long is it usual to be in denial for? We have come to some informal financial arrangements for moving forward this week. It’s all very amicable but I still feel totally disassociated from the situation as if it is happening to somebody else. Like I am just functioning to deal with the trauma and waiting for this all to be over. It’s almost like I think he will come to his senses and everything will go back to normal. Even though my rational brain knows that’s impractical. I feel as though I’m in autopilot tensing to my basic needs and trying to contain my emotions
It depends on the person but I think it's good that you are aware of what is more likely and unlikely to happen.
I've read somewhere that denial is a defense mechanism to soften the blow so I think you should take it as your brain functioning just fine when having hopeful thoughts. Trying to get rid of these hopeful thoughts will make things worse apparently. So, just accept that you have hopeful thoughts. It is completely okay. It is very natural to have them. But also acknowledge of its likelihood.
It's been 6 weeks for me and I still have hopeful thoughts. Heck, I am starting to dream about them! But I take it as my brain processing everything that is happening. I am in somewhat on autopilot too, just trying to takw care of myself and not going crazy. I think no one's brain is capable of processing such situation all at once so I try and give myself a break, take one teensy little thing at a time and count every bit of those as a win and pat myself in the back and really just remind myself to take it easy. I still cry too.
I'd say give yourself a big pat on your back, and say hurray for reaching out here🙌✨
@amiableSkies5006 it's probably been said already, but everyone is different and our brains process things on its own schedule
I've found giving myself permission to feel whatever I naturally feel, good or bad, especially in the beginning, actually kept me from being stuck in the same negative agonizing feelings
Allow your self the time your mind needs to weather this storm
I’m begun writing him a letter. I have so much to say and so many questions but my emotions are so high right now I can’t even concentrate on what I want to say in day to day life let alone about something that means so much to me.
im worried about sending it because i don’t want it to come across like a begging letter, iv tried to focus on reminding him
of all the good times and everything we have achieved together. And highlighting that with work we can get back to that place. I’m thinking about putting photos in there for reminders but not sure how it will go down. I’m petrified to send it because I might not get the response I’m hoping for
I'm here for you whatever the outcome.
@amiableSkies5006
i have done something similar i re-wrote and edited many times... photos might be a good thing to remind of better times...
the reality is while you dread the worst what if this woke him up and he wants to try ... what is the best case scenario.... i feel we all spend a lot of time trying to anticipate another persons feelings or reaction instead of letting them show us how they feel.
Writing things out on this app is helping me process my feelings and feel some sense of hope when all else is lost
@amiableSkies5006 while it may not have been your intended purpose, this makes me feel less alone, more ready to face a slightly similar situation. I wish I was on the other side of this to be more helpful to you
So far, the best thing was finding this app and feeling less alone, so thank you for sharing
I’m really struggling to come to terms with my situation at the moment. I’m in denial and so up and down and clashing with my family over my inability to accept it
It is absolutely okay that you are in denial and confused.
I think it might help to make a list of the reality, and your hopes and what your family is saying. And think about how you feel about each of them.
You can do this!