Marriage dysfunction

I’m 36 now, and I’ve been in this relationship almost my whole life. We met at 17, got together at 18, and I had a baby at 19. From the start, things were already unhealthy, he believed I was with an ex when the truth was that my ex was actually stalking me. He never believed me, and even though he “forgave” me, he punished me emotionally for years. I stayed because I was young, scared, and didn’t know anything different.

Throughout our relationship, he cheated, strippers, prostitutes, and I didn’t find out until years later. One of his biggest infidelities came out 10 years ago. I remember that day so clearly. Instead of comforting me, he was literally getting ready to leave for work right after I confronted him. I begged him not to leave me there alone, and somehow I ended up comforting him in the middle of my own heartbreak. Looking back, it was pathetic and humiliating, but I was desperate. He kept that same job and still works there today.

I stayed. I tried. I suffered. I lived with anxiety because he would always fight with me about going out drinking with coworkers. He made small changes, just enough to keep me attached, but not enough to protect my heart or give me security. After four years of trying to fix everything he broke, I got so hurt and so angry that I ended up doing something to him out of pain. It didn’t fix anything; it just added another layer of guilt he uses against me.

Now, I’m still here, but I’m disconnected, lonely, and mentally exhausted. I have frequent anxiety attacks and anger outbursts. He isn’t romantic, so on my days off I’m just home by myself feeling unseen. He’s present physically but completely absent emotionally. He says he’s trying to change, trying to be emotionally available, but he refuses to get help. He wants to “fix” himself on his own, which we all know doesn’t work.

Six months ago, I caught him deleting messages and calls from his coworkers. His excuse was that he “can’t tell me anything” because he doesn’t want to upset me. He wants me to trust that, as a lieutenant now, he wouldn’t risk his leadership reputation by doing anything inappropriate. But the patterns are the same, the avoiding, the lying, the half-truths. It triggers everything I’ve already lived through.

I think about separating every single day, but I’m terrified. Terrified of starting over, terrified of breaking our family apart, terrified of making the wrong choice after spending almost two decades with someone who has never really made me feel safe. I feel alone even with him in the same room.

I’m here because I’m trying to understand myself, my trauma, and why I’m still holding onto something that hurts me more than it heals. I want to find clarity, strength, and real support as I figure out what healing looks like for me, whether that means staying or walking away. There’s more hard times he put me through but it’s just a lot. Why is leaving so hard? I want to, I think about it but I get so scared.