Marriage falling apart
Hi I’m new to this so I’m sorry for the long story.
My names Marc I’m (32) and my wife (30) we have been together for 12 years married for almost 5 and we have a daughter aged 2. we are both each others first and only relationship. A few months ago my wife said she was unhappy and suggested we have a break from each other. This caught me out of the blue and I immediately asked her if there was someone else. She said no but my suspicions and anxiety got the better of me and I looked through her iPad and found out she’s been having an emotional affair with a work colleague who’s (50) and married also. In a panic I broke down and contacted my mother in law about it. This made my wife angry obviously and I finally confronted her about this and she says nothing has physically happened between them but the messages I found suggest otherwise. It was possibly the worst feeling in my life and I’m still shaken up by it. We are now in couples counselling where I’ve found out she’s been unhappy and feeling neglected since our daughter was born. I can admit on my part that I have been more work and baby focused those 2 years and haven’t put much effort into our relationship that I probably should have and I’ve tried apologising a lot about this. But I fear now that it’s to late as in our sessions she is more set on having space and being just friends and sometimes suggests taking a break/ separating. I’m actually terrified that I’m losing my wife and there’s nothing I can do to salvage things. Anything I do try just seems to push us further apart. I love my wife deeply and can’t bear the thought of bringing my daughter up in a broken family. I don’t know what I’ve done to make my wife hurt me like this and I’m constantly asking myself every day if I’m a bad husband. My anger/guilt aswell makes me want to contact the guys wife because if she found out I’d want her to tell me. but at the same time I don’t want to break up another family as they have 4 kids.
Since then I’ve been feeling absolutely defeated and lost. We are still living together etc but we are basically just co existing and I’ve never felt more lonely in my life. I’m basically just working and playing with my daughter now.
Any help or suggestions on how I should cope with this would be greatly appreciated. Preferably ones on how to repair my marriage.
Please message me. Let's chat.
Please message me. Let's chat.
@MarcMcNicol
This is a tough situation and no quick answers.
I feel when a person starts chatting with someone they are/ were missing a connection with their partner. It is hard to articulate exactly what we are missing.
We often are angry we have to tell a partner "Hey this is NOT working for me". We feel they should know it or not be content with the status quo either. After a person finds out ...It is not easy as "OK I am aware now I will give you the attention you seek." the question the partner who wants space is "for how long will the attention and effort last?"
Recognize there is already space between you, and she did not just do this to you. something was missing. I will share my experience as an example; her reasons are hers, but this may be insight.
I chatted with someone once nothing happened beyond the chats, but they became very flirty. I am sure if read they would have seemed like much more then it was. I woke up before partner found out anything knowing it would never work.
I was "seen" by this person. I was really listened too. I was LONELY in same room as my partner but felt alive sending messages to someone.......ideas and things I spoke of, I did not need to repeat in 2 days like I did my partner, who often was like a bobblehead when I spoke anyway nodding but not listening. Or having to remind someone I told you this X number of times.
I had support for ideas or challenges that my partner was not supporting me. I was in a weight loss period and friend said things like I looked beautiful while partner said, "some areas needed work". My partner thought that was helpful and supportive. When married a long time we start to assume the other person's like and dislikes and quit being inquisitive. Partner when I asked for space .......wanted to buy things or go on trips we spoke of years ago like that made up for being taken for granted to "FIX" it but did not see what was broken. The urge to think you can instantly FIX what went wrong is powerful but often misses the mark. IMO
Think back to when you were a new couple and all you had to talk about and share the getting to know you phase is powerful and in many of these types of situations one or both people only share their best qualities and because the situation, we do not see their flaws or what it would really be in a relationship it is called Limerence. Limerence is a powerful feeling.
Couples who only talk of house/ bills and kids. time with each other seems to gravitate on that. we think we know all about the other and feel like we have nothing else to share or learn. Blowing up his life will not fix it although I can see the desire to make him feel like you do now. But it does not solve the core issue.
IF they ever thought of if they could be together, Reality often comes crashing down.... Both have history that comes with them. Kids and family resent or dislike the person who broke up their family. They do not get a happy ever after when exes and kids will always be involved. They start to see any flaws and sooner or later they are back to being bored with each other wishing their life was not a trail of mistakes.
Thanks. This is the kind of answer I’ve been looking for that helps clear things up on how my wife may be thinking. I’ve also made the mistake of trying to “fix” things with gifts and trip/ days out but I realised that was a mistake as she seemed uninterested and seemed like she just went out of obligation. I really want to open up to her about us and our future and build a better understanding of our issues and where I’ve gone wrong. It’s just hard as she seems more distant each time.
I just seem to have a poor sense of judgement when it comes to these kind of things. I’m not usually an emotional person and tend to bottle things up and carry on pretending I’m fine and forget. But this has been a breaking point in my life and I truly don’t want to loose her. I’ve put 100% into building our home and life together and I’m not willing to just give it all up for a bad year or 2.
Would you have advice on how to at least attempt to heal things between us? I understand from what you’ve said is probably what’s been happening to my wife that I’ve just taken her for granted and not actually asked or showed interest like I used to. And this person from her work has been filling that void.
@MarcMcNicol
My advice to you is Ask do not assume what will fill that void. tell her what you are missing too.
Find time maybe daughter with sitter or grandma and talk deeply about what happened. Not as fight or judgement but really where you as a couple lost the way. what was she getting out of talking with someone else.
Here is the hard part both need to accept their role in what is wrong. We do not see what we are doing at the time. we had a similar instance years ago with partner considering straying now we BOTH understand, I did not until I met my friend and saw how easy it would be to cross a line that would shatter my world.
Both need to be open and talk about items and not just go along or feel this is an obligation. even simple I do not like something or your preferences changed over time tell each other. ask questions like you do not know what is your favorite ice cream? ... My partner did not even really know how I took my coffee always brought me their way.
I made errors in thinking my partner should just Know things without me telling them........ I felt like IF I had to ask or say things out loud it would not be the same as spontaneous gestures. I did not want to be the "director" and ask my cast (family) to do things. Then realized if I was not doing it no one was.
My partner thought I was crazy about Pasta so always suggested it all the time we wanted to go out. I did Not like very much..... then it dawned on me....... I hate cooking and pasta is easy, so I offered to make so they assumed was my favorite lol Small tiny things have big misunderstandings.
Good luck in your talks and if my story helped at all I and happy.
Thank you so much. This is exactly what I needed I’ll ask my mother in law to watch our daughter. And suggest the talk to my wife. Might even try it during our next counselling session so I’ve got support if things go badly. Again I want to thank you I’ve been reading their message’s over and over and it’s been eating away at me. Now that I’ve seen your side of the fence I realise things might not be as bad as I think they are and I’m more prepared to approach her in this talk. You’ve been a great help.
@MarcMcNicol
Hi - first of all, I am so sorry to hear this. This sounds super rough and emotionally just a lot to take in. It's super valid and understandable to feel defeated and lost. It's also very normal to feel like you don't understand what you did to make your wife do this to you. It's okay to feel lost and question everything!❤️
All I can say is, you're doing your best going to couple counselling and you try your best to do a work life balance. There is no easy answer or a perfect answer. I think just remember that time does heal and that professional help like couple counselling really helps a lot of people like yourself feel better.
You're not alone and if you ever wanna share more, or let a listener be present for you like on a 1-1 chat, I am more than happy to be that person for you.
I am so sorry for this pain and hard period you're going through. This community is here for you, to listen and really be present- it will be okay ❤️❤️❤️
I am also here to chat.
