Moments of clarity cont. 2
So, she has her earbuds in all day long, now...sometimes shes listening to books, music, or watching videos...i get it...7000 mile difference will certainly mean that contact with this man cannot be maintained 100% of the time. But should i have to deal with the paranoia, the suspicions, the hurt that comes from the constant reminder of her betrayal? How can i keep going knowing that every time ive told her that i miss her and that i love her...she never says it back...she just looks at me with a half genuine smile. She is now blaming my "wishy washy" statements and opinions on people online influencing them. Could it be that my whirlwind of thoughts and my roller coaster of emotions are colliding? Its becoming more and more clear to me that this REAL-ationship could be and probably is FUBAR. Do i have it in me to push further through this and hopefully reach light on the other side? Im starting to think not. Putting my fake face on and pretending things may get better while i interact with her is exhausting. Supressing my anger and maintaining my tone is frustrating when i know that she sees what has been happening. Is that rational thoughts? I feel as if she has been gone for a long time at this point, and doesnt actually want to make this work. Could i be wrong? Im tired, im lonely, and im not sure i can do this anymore. Am i weak? I guess it deosnt matter at this point.
@Ryan575
the pain in your post is clear. It may be over but it is NOT all on you. She is living in a fantasy world with that far away this person may not ever be able to be real. Who would need to move where ?
sooner or later when she wakes up you will be gone and she will be alone with a fantasy.
It is not wishy washy to try to fix or save your marriage. Trying to work on things and the person is NO help slowly fades the feelings we have. We look at this person and they are no longer the person we knew or remember. we need to access if we can get to know or even like the "new " version of this person.
Thank you for those kind words. All of what you said is how i currenly feel. The isolation i feel in this house is unreal sometimes. Currently i feel like there are no good days in this place. While all of this has been going on, i simply have been consistently having bad days, and worse days...the bad days are less emotionally taxing than the worse days...but not by much. She is sitting here 6ft away from me...has not said a word. She never initiates conversation anymore, its alway me. And the conversations that i initiate (unless its about the current happenings) are very very short lived. Its terribly sad, and i feel so inferior to this stranger...i just wish with all of my heart that it would change, but its seemingly unlikely. You are very on point when you mentioned about loving or liking the "new" version of her as well as myself, i know that im changing because of this...its difficult for me even to understand what the end result will be on my end. I have told her that i was happy that she found someone as a means of "fixing her" and that i was glad she felt better, but asked her who was going to help put back together the millions of pieces shattered within me when this all "works out" and we end up "together" again
@Ryan575,
I know by experience how hard this is. The harder you push, the harder you push her away. What might help is alone time. Maybe move out to create distance and not to confront and hurt yourself 24/7. Get out of this.
There is nothing right now you can do about "us", about "her". You can do something however about "you".
