My feelings.
So, after an intense, seemingly long (7 days) of living in within a nightmare of my wife having an intense emotional affair with another man. We came to a place in which opening the marriage completely became an idea. Now, her online affair hasnt stopped, and i have had i billion things going through my head. My ligitimate chest pains have subsided, my sleeplessness has reduced, my appetite has somewhat returned and over all i feel better in some ways. With that being said, i just dont feel right about it. I feel that sure...ill be able to address my needs unconventionally, and her emotional needs will continue to be addressed. However, there are still so many uncertainties that play into the whole new dynamic. I truely feel that it is going to fail inevitably. I cant get past the fact that she claims that she "isnt in love with me" anymore but still has love for me...it hurts...I want her to be happy and have her needs be met but what about mine? Do i really need to seek that outside of my sacred marriage? There are so many things going through my head right now...its so confusing...at this point is leaving the only other viable option? I have a hard time accepting that. Part of me just wants to sit and wait to see how things play out...is that stupid of me? Im so lost still...
@Ryan575
I am hoping from your discussions here you have had lots to think about. I think in the end emotional connection is important and while you may get other needs met it will be empty. Are you going to be roommates ?
I feel sad for both of you with her as saying she "has love but not in love"...did you ask for clarification? Is it like her trying to keep you on the back burner. in the end maybe her leaving and breaking up is the only viable option. what happens when or if you find someone to fill your emotional connection?
I definitely have had a lot to think about. She keeps calling me "wishy washy" which i get but im so flipping confused rn its unreal...she is the one cheating but somehow due to my past transgressions (that never involved me cheating) and are dwarfed by the act she is carrying on with...apparently I am the one and only person that has to worry about fixing this and she is just happy and content with her situation. She has nearly completely shut me out of her life and we are supposed to "establish a friendship" before anything more can even be considered....the weight of it all residing on my shoulders but im supposed to be the best version of myself as i can be? Living as roomates, with the woman i swore my life to? Omg, this is insanity...im flipping losing it. My emotional state is in the sewers and my mind seems to be trailing along. All while she is just living in this fantasy and this other man is essentially taking her to bed every night. FmL
Night FML
Thank you for your hopeful thoughts but its not looking good...im not sure i have it in me to continue to live like this no matter how much love i have left for the woman...i facking losing it.
@Ryan575
I truly am sorry for what you are enduring.
it is something many do. many rationalize the impact that an online emotional connection causes and the harm it has done. We do not only downplay to ourselves. We try so hard to blame our partner... for past issues .......even blowing small silly issues to a bigger issue to justify things.
That is common in most all cheat situations. It is hanging on to a fantasy. She is not in charge in this. You did not cross a line, even if you had issues in past... This is not 2 wrongs make it right sort of thing. Take her at her word .. if she is not going to work on things. Set out your terms and conditions. define the roommate rules.
If roommates everything is 50/50....... costs/ chores/ childcare. She should be happy divorce is harder setting up new home is expensive. Sit down make a plan how to discuss with child , friends and family the new reality or your relationship. Think all these things through it is a game of chicken and who blinks.
Take your child out on weekends and bond more and do things just you and child ..... as she chose her online priority. You are not alone in not knowing what to do/ can this be saved etc. many try all types of things to fix this...
There is no one right answer but since you said they met thru game site. Games are a fantasy and not interchangeable with reality. It sounds like she thinks you will hang around and does not understand YET ........what this has done to you.
She cannot tell you how to fix as she does not know either. If i had to tell my partner do this ... then do that ... then say this ... that is not a connection it is making me a director of a sad play. Therapy often suggests replacing the online person with spouse, like text or chat in the same way .... but unless it is spontaneous it is not going to fill that part the online person was.
@Ryan575,
it happens that it feels our needs are not being met and we don't talk about it . Or we do, or think we do, and feel unheard. Up to the point we meet someone who makes us feel heard, and we develop a deep emotional connection with someone else. Unfortunately, sooner or later that means that the emotional connection we had with our partner ceases to exist. And will never be the same or will never get the commitment to try to rebuild. Your wife has let you know she won't give up on that other connection. So, you have to start thinking about yourself. The damage is damage, and she doesn't seem willing to do any repair work. So do you want to hang on to something only you want to commit to? Do you thing your son won't be influenced by hanging on to, well, to what? I've been in a similar situation, different background. Things happened and my ex wife has been through a lot of trauma she never really dealt with. And went shopping elsewhere, long distance, it devastated me, and made me very angry. Until she was worn out, gave up, and did what she didn't want to, divorce. Whatever happens, promise yourself to not get angry, it will damage your kid. Take a break, go for a walk, whatever, but don't let anger take control.
I try not to, for sure. There is no mre tears, no yelling, or anything like that but its definitely hard to maintain my composure through all of this. For sure. It seems over even though she halfway acts that if i do better at this or that...we might be able to reconcile and start building things back. It feels to me that she just wants me to leave her alone about this whole thing and let her be. I dont know...the connection isnt there and i feel that...she has a stone face expression whe i talk to her about any of it, but if I dont bring it up...its silence....as if its not even happening...she wont talk about anything with me...just silence...am i to just accept what is happening? Do i just let things go and see where we end up? I guess if things went badly between her and this man, id be there to pick up the pieces eventually. In any case, how long am i to endure this whirlwind of emotions until im damaged beyond repair and unable to pick up the pieces because my own personality is broken and emotions are shattered into a million pieces. Unfixable...dead inside. It seems pointless to continue this but part of me is holding on to what we had believing that i can be better, i dont know...i know it could never be the same after this...its precarious.
@Ryan575,
the two of you only stand a chance if both of you, with professional help by a relationship therapist, are willing to try to reconnect. To express what both of you want, what is lacking and whether you can meet halfway on issues. If she's open to try, this will only have a chance if she cuts all ties with her current emotional connection, as in, immediately. If not, it's not gonna work out between you to and you should consider steps to take to get the life YOU deserve.
That is exactly what ive been telling her. Thank you for that. I do appreciate that you have confirmed what i have thought was a rational thought process...she wont drop this dude though...she has told me multiple times that "she is not ready for it"...im right at my breaking point with this. I dont want a divorce (mainly for the sake of my kid) at this point but at the same time, im losing my myself rapidly...this is ******.
