My husband was cheating on me with a 22-year-old girl
I'm at my wits' end. I think I have depression too.We have been married for 14 years. His betrayal hurts a lot. The worst thing is that the girl moved close to us.He sees me as suffering but he doesn't leave the house. He refuses to leave.We have two daughters together.
@philosophicalWest5559
I'm so sorry he did this to you and he continues to hurt you.
You didn't deserve this.
His cheating.
His cruelty.
His disrespect.
Sending you my best wishes 💜 💕
I don't know what way to find to be strong for my girls and not have them see me sad anymore.
For seven months since I found out, I've been living in a continuous nightmare. I've caught him leaving her house a few times, because we live two houses apart.I actually ended up having physical pain. I don't know... I feel like going out into the streets and screaming.
My problem is that I have reached a point where I have to choose to continue to suffer so that our girls don't suffer or to make them suffer and separate. Our girls can't see us apart. They even now do everything possible to bring us closer. The sadness in their eyes hurts me very much. And the fear that I will see them suffer from his departure hurts me even more. He is 44 and the girl he is cheating on me with is 22. He actually doesn't want to move in with her, because he is afraid of losing his reputation.
@philosophicalWest5559
7 cups is nice. it gives you a place to tell such things in a safe way. lots of people originally come here because the have an issue that is difficult also. later they stick around to help others.
what you tell happens. does bit mean is is ok, but happens often. sometimes we blame ourselves, when its clear we did nothing wrong.
you will never forget, but after awhile the stinging stops.
sometimes our kids are smarter and more aware then we think. its part of growing up.
@philosophicalWest5559
Thank you for taking the time to share and entrust us with such a deep and challenging part of your life. I can only imagine how heavy this must feel. Years of building foundations of trust, memories and family, only to have it torn apart by the very person you trusted and honoured your vows with. It’s no wonder you’re feeling like you have nowhere to turn.
It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders for awhile too, the symptoms of depression seem understandably amplified by everything that’s happening. On top of protecting your girls by trying to keep the family together; you’re dealing with managing the heartbreak all on your own. That’s a near impossible ordeal for anyone to carry alone, it’s makes sense why you feel like you’re sinking.
It seems as though your girls are quite young, is that right?
If so, I can see how their innocence and longing for that close-knit family environment might be challenging how you choose to prioritise your own needs right now. Wanting to shield them from sadness is a natural and loving instinct.
The age difference in the betrayal is something weighing on your mind too, and I can see how that could be due to concerns on how your daughters perceive that and how that may influence their relationship with your husband. It’s a lot to process and it’s okay to not have all the answers right now.
If it’s okay, I’d like to leave a few questions for you to perhaps reflect on in your own time:
It’s completely up to you how: by yourself, with someone who you feel can support you; a friend, a relative, the 7Cups community is here for you too
- What would feeling cared for and supported look like for you right now?
- How might you be able to show your girls that it’s okay to step away from a situation or relationship that doesn’t serve them? How might this shape their future dynamics with others?
- What lessons about self-love and boundaries do you hope they adapt from watching you regain strength in this situation?
It takes time and courage to acknowledge your feelings, however overwhelming they may be. You’ve shown you can do that. Strength doesn’t have to be judged by how well you can hold composure or by how much pain you can endure. It can come from recognising that your needs are just as valuable as protecting your family.
Hang in there mom 💛
My daughters are 13 and 11 years old. The youngest is the most attached to him and I'm sure she'll be very traumatized, but I don't want to show them that it's okay to accept anything from a future boyfriend/husband. Now that I'm talking to you, I'm packing his bags. He's not home anyway, he's at his mistress's. He'll find them at the door in the morning. What I'm afraid of now is the reaction of the youngest, how to explain to her what happened. I don't want to tell her that their father is in love with a 22-year-old girl and the worst part is that the girls know her. She was their nanny when she was 16
@philosophicalWest5559
That adds another complex layer, knowing that the girls know her because of her past nanny role. I can completely empathise with how gut-wrenching that must feel to carry.
Packing his bags right now is such an underrated comment. That’s an incredible brave and decisive step to take. Please take a moment to recognise the strength it took to do that. You might not feel it yet, but this is you showing your self-worth in real-time. I genuinely believe your girls will look back one day and be proud of you for it
I hear how difficult it may be to find a way to explain why your husband had to leave, while still being cautious and gentle with your daughters’ emotions. You’re showing such attentiveness while still honouring your own needs and boundaries, a balance it seems like you’re leaning towards achieving already
We might not be able to control how your daughters react, but perhaps reassuring them that it’s not their fault, and using “we” when describing you'll get through this, to remind them you’re all in this together. Could this help them feel supported?
What other ways do you think might help them feel cared for and understood as they navigate and process their thoughts?
I was also thinking about the potential of your husband becoming confrontational or hostile when finding his bags at the front door. What steps could you take in ensuring you and your daughters stay safe in case this happens?
He is not and has not been a violent man. That would be his only flaw, the fact that he can't keep his *** away from this girl. Today he called me and wants to see me, after he found the luggage in front of the door.
@philosophicalWest5559
Thanks for sharing that update. It sounds like a lot to handle. Remember, it’s completely okay to stick to the boundaries that feel right for you. I’m here if you want to share anything else, at your own pace.
Here on forum, or private chat - I'm only a message away 💛
Thank you very much! This means a lot to me. I hope I will have some free time in the next few hours and we can talk.
@philosophicalWest5559
You're doing the right thing. This is ridiculous.
He came back to the house, knowing that I don't make a fuss in front of the girls, and told me that he couldn't live without me. No, I wasn't impressed, more disgusted. I just told him that he could stay for a while, but that we would be "roommates," and not to bring his luggage back.
I wonder what the limit will be? How long will I fight? I'm obsessed with the thought that the little one will have a trauma but also that I'm looking for a way to make him go away
@philosophicalWest5559 I'm sorry this has happened to you. this person is no Man you deserve so much better. A real Man would never stray from their spouse. I know I to was cheated on by 2 of my Ex's. Before I go any further, I am a man like I said I too was cheated on. So if you need a friend IM here on your side.
How do I stop the pain?
@philosophicalWest5559 in time the pain will move on, and you will move on to a more positive position in yours and children's life. the key thing for now is protect your children. protect yourself its ok to breakdown matter of fact its recommended. Then come out stronger and more positive. Always know you have this forum to speak candid without judgment. I can make myself available if need be.
How can I send you a private message? I'm new here and I don't know the app that well.
@philosophicalWest5559
I can see everything is really overwhelming for you right now. The fact he came back declaring his love in front of the girls, it's really exacerbated the situation.
It's okay to be really conflicted especially when he comes back, it can throw our emotions out and has understandably shifted your focus more onto your girls' emotional states
You made that huge step in packing his bags the other day. I can see you have that determination there to do what's right for you and your wellbeing. You're fighting this everyday. I can see it, and I'm rooting for you.
It seems like the shift is that you do want your husband to leave, but the main focus is the fear of both daughters' emotions during all this.
How would you feel about working together in thinking through some possible reactions your daughters might have towards the news and reflecting on ways we can manage and help them through it?
I'll get back to you as soon as I can, if and when you're ready 🫂
@philosophicalWest5559
I can see everything is really overwhelming for you right now. The fact he came back declaring his love in front of the girls, it's really exacerbated the situation.
It's okay to be really conflicted especially when he comes back, it can throw our emotions out and has understandably shifted your focus more onto your girls' emotional states
You made that huge step in packing his bags the other day. I can see you have that determination there to do what's right for you and your wellbeing. You're fighting this everyday. I can see it, and I'm rooting for you.
It seems like the shift is that you do want your husband to leave, but the main focus is the fear of both daughters' emotions during all this.
How would you feel about working together in thinking through some possible reactions your daughters might have towards the news and reflecting on ways we can manage and help them through it?
I'll get back to you as soon as I can, if and when you're ready 🫂
@philosophicalWest5559
I can only imagine how painful that must feel, being betrayed by someone you built your life with. You don’t deserve that kind of hurt or disrespect. It’s understandable to feel broken and lost right now, but please remember: his choices are not a reflection of your worth.
You have every right to protect your mental health and your daughters’ peace. If he refuses to leave, start thinking about what you can control and reach out to trusted family, friends, or even a counsellor or lawyer to understand your options. You don’t have to face this alone. You deserve safety, stability, and respect......
Hi, no one deserves to be dealing with what you are trying to deal with. I can only imagine what you might be going through let alone how your daughters might be holding up. I think this will continue to disrupt your mental health and as well as your daughters’. Cheating is not an accident but a choice one makes for their own selfish needs. Just think about what you want to do. If he is ready to stop and be loyal to you again for the sake of your daughters its up to you to give him a chance. But i would definitely say if its a pattern then prioritize your own happiness too. Dont allow yourself to be treated that way. Take a decision that gives you peace and about your daughters… One day they will understand.
All the best ♥️
Thank you very much! I am involved in a lot here. We have a restaurant together. Unfortunately, sales are not going well and it is stopping me from taking the step to leave with the children somewhere else. Unfortunately, everything in this life depends on money. He clearly does not want to leave, but honestly I tell you that I am on the verge of taking the step anyway and towards our girls, to tell them that I can no longer be with their father. Better for them to suffer now than to wait and prolong the suffering.
I saw tonight that I can't understand. The little one can't see life without us together. What do I do? It hurts so much. Her reaction hurt me, it hurts me to think how much she's suffering
How are you today? I was just thinking about you and your children. Hope you and children have a good day.
I am getting worse and worse. I had an excess of anger and an uncontrolled outburst towards him (husband). The children are somewhat well.
My problem is that I'm sinking and I've started to have a kind of obsession with finding any way to escape this nightmare without doing too much harm.
@philosophicalWest5559 you can call if you need to
@philosophicalWest5559 good evening, how are you doing. How was your day?