Need advice
I have been married for just over a year. We both have some mental struggles that we are actively working through and sometimes those things cause issues in our relationship. The main thing that causes big issues is unfortunately he has a very low self esteem and it makes him really afraid I will cheat. I haven't given him any reason to ACTUALLY think I would cheat on him, we both have the same view which is that it is immature and we would rather just fix things. Except I feel like I am the only one who's actually trying to be a better person. He knows that it's a problem (along with other things) and he has said he wants to help himself but he won't find any resources for himself and the ones I try to give him he never uses. And I'm not asking him to be perfect I just think we could both be better people and it would be a lot better for our relationship.
I don't want to leave, I really do love him, but I don't think I can stay if things don't get better.
@pluckyBalloon3377
I don't think it's fair if he doesn't put in the work.
Because ultimately, it's his issue.
If he values you and the relationship , then he needs to start proving it and showing up for you.
You love him, let him show the same energy back.
Let him know, it's not an ultimatum, you want this to work but you will walk away if he doesn't put in the work 💚
@Amanda84
I guess it really isn't an ultimatum if you look at it that way, thank you
@pluckyBalloon3377
it is very hard to work on yourself and look at your partner and see no effort or change. It grows old fast if we are moving forward and look back to see if they are too, but they seem stationary.
We try to be helpful and give tips and advice, and they do not choose to listen or follow suggestions. I know you love him and do not want to leave or see this ending but in time you may regret not speaking up or setting boundaries of how long to see progress. I will tell you from experience that feeling of them not following through eats any feelings you have. If he was concerned of you cheating or leaving, then he should be told his inaction is pushing you to the door.
@toughTiger6481
I have thought about telling him but I'm afraid it might just make him give up?
@pluckyBalloon3377
I have been there too. i know that speaking up even if it hurts at first was much better than watching him dig a hole bigger and bigger he would not have got out of.
Growth and healing to stick and work he must want and do for himself. it takes convincing that you will not stand and watch him fail
@pluckyBalloon3377
Often, low self-esteem erodes hope. As a consequence, an individual may be convinced that there is no point in making an effort to change. In addition, there may be fear of embarrassment brought on by failure. It's not unusual for those with low self-esteem to reject advice or support. Taking advice and accepting support may make such a person feel obliged to "do better," while at the same time believing that for them, it's impossible to do better.
Low self-esteem is often accompanied by depression. Both things rob a person of confidence. Having low self-esteem is a lot like being in a pit that seems impossible to escape.
It takes immense courage to try, due to the perception that another failure will be devastating. Emerging from a state of low self-esteem usually involves a series of failures, and it really is a hero's journey to face such repeated failures.
I guess one might say that I have a PhD in low self-esteem and lack of confidence. I have spent large portions of my life feeling dangerously hopeless. My self-concept and confidence can still be shaken rather easily. However, I'm generally okay now.
I'd like to share a few thoughts and lessons that I found helpful.
It's worth taking note of even the smallest accomplishments, for example, making the bed first thing in the morning, responding to someone in an especially thoughtful way, doing something in a timely fashion rather than procrastinate about it, or any number of seemingly minor accomplishments can really help a person. The truth is, there really are no minor accomplishments. That's because a seemingly minor action can lead to a cascade of events that ultimately changes that only a person's life, but the lives of many others.
20 years ago, I was overweight, had high blood pressure, and was told I needed medication to control my blood sugar. I was under a lot of stress, and at the same time felt no hope for any kind of improvement in my life. I can't remember the exact moment when I decided to make a tiny effort to improve my condition. I started walking. Initially I couldn't make it more than a block without tightness in my chest and being breathless.
Once upon a time, such an experience would convince me that I was physically too far gone, and continued effort was pointless. However, this time, I gave myself credit for making an effort. I continued walking, every other day at first, then every day. My distance increased gradually over a number of months from block to a block and 1/2, to two blocks, and so on. Every small increase of distance gave my confidence a boost.
Long story short, I went from waddling to exhaustion after just one block, to running 10 miles every evening. I lost 100 pounds, and have gained none of it back. My blood sugar and blood pressure are totally fine.
The point of the story is that I figured out how tiny improvements can be cumulative, eventually leading to significant change.
What do you think might happen if your partner hears you giving him credit for his efforts and small accomplishments. For example, I notice that you cleaned the hair out of the shower drain. Thank you for being so thoughtful.
Something else I noticed is that when I dressed well, and thought I looked nice, I found that I was more able to talk to others with thoughtfulness and confidence. Perhaps you have seen episodes of "The Dog Whisperer," with Cesar Malan. One of the dogs he was working with was very timid. He walked with his head down, and his tail between his legs. As he and Caesar were walking, Caesar reached down and lifted his head and tail, forcing him into a posture of confidence. Incredibly, the dog began acting more confident.
Similarly, if a person assumes a confident poise, odds are they will feel more confident. More confidence equals greater self-esteem.
Speaking of being a better person, I suspect that you are both already very good people. I think the issue may be more related to self acceptance, which includes accepting the reality of your great personal worth.
There were two bricklayers. When asked what they were doing, one of them said "I'm laying bricks." The other one said "I'm building a cathedral."
Self-esteem, or what might better be called "valid self awareness," can be built, in fact the only way it can be built, is to accumulate and assemble "bricks" of achievable steps, that provide evidence of commitment and efficacy.
Another way self esteem can emerge is to take inventory of one's own character, intentions and ability to share love.
Others have expressed tremendous confidence in me at a time when I had no confidence of my own. It helped a lot! To feel the faith and love of another person, is very healing.
@Spiritriver
This is beautiful and I greatly appreciate your input. One of the things we have been working on actually is being more thankful for the things each of us do. My hubby is very positive towards me and that is what has helped me the most in gaining my own confidence back. However when I try to complement him or show him appreciation he pushes it off, I know why he does it I used to as well. It is hard to find what to say next sometimes and I feel like I'm failing him for not having the right response to help him believe me. Any thoughts on that with how people helped you?
@pluckyBalloon3377
Accepting complements with grace and humility is an art form, but it also reveals a person at greater depth. For a long time, I craved acknowledgement, but like your husband, resisted it. It's probably part of growing up with mixed messages, for example, people saying they're "proud of you," but if you act proud, they'll believe you're being egotistical. It's like someone telling you that you've produced a beautiful work of art, but if you answer "yes, I know," their next thought is something like, "how dare you admit it!"
I've always wondered about the comment, "I'm proud of you." To me, it sounds like the person is taking credit for what you've accomplished. Otherwise, what reason would they have for being proud of your efforts? In my experience, many actually do take credit for the growth or accomplishments of others. One of my supervisors was quite overt about his self-complement by talking about how much the operation had improved since he came on the scene. It was expressed like, "I'm really proud of how well you've done since I've come here."
Anyway, I think it's best to tell a person why they have reason to be proud of themselves, and have specific reasons or events that provide evidence of why they should be proud. If I've supported the growth of another, I'd enjoy some recognition of it, but I don't need it. Often, those who've been complemented are so taken by it that they forget who may have helped them get to where they are. Many of those individuals come to recognize who supported them, days, weeks, months or years later.
I have digressed a bit, but hopefully it's at least entertaining. :) The most useful part of the above paragraph is it points to a "self-esteem 101" lesson. It's best to focus the entire complement on the other person, without including one's own role in what they accomplished. Sometimes they'll say something like "thanks for helping me," or they may be so high on cloud 9 from having received the complement that they may forget to acknowledge your help. It's okay. Their growth itself validates your efforts.
Calm, clear and respectful communication supports the growth of self-esteem, perhaps more at a subconscious level than most realize. That's an important consideration because much of the mind's work takes place at that level, and its beliefs need to be aligned with conscious ones in order to effect lasting change.
It's often said that a person should give whatever kind of support they most wish to receive. In the case of wishing to receive support for the growth of self-esteem, I've found this to be profoundly true. It's not necessarily that you receive like support from another, but in the process of giving such support, you're hearing yourself talk, which helps reinforce your own basis for self-esteem.
I think even if your husband seems to be having a hard time accepting complements, it's still super helpful for him that you provide them. It's like giving him a brick or two here and there, and eventually he'll see the start of a cathedral.
"I feel like I'm failing him for not having the right response to help him believe me. Any thoughts on that with how people helped you?"
I think maybe the "self-esteem 101" bit may be helpful. When pointing to something specific, it's hard for a person to say, it didn't happen, and if they accept that it did happen, it'd be hard for them to reject your observation that they have a reason accept the evidence of personal value that it offers.
