New here - Just need to talk/rant a bit..
I was cheated on for 4.5 years. I, stupidly, decided to stay. Because for some reason, I thought I could genuinely "move on", be okay, etc..
I wish my brain and heart would've told me sooner that I wasn't going to be okay, because now things are awkward and messy.
It's not that I don't love him, because I do, very much. But I genuinely don't know if/think I'll ever be able to trust him again, not enough to want to be in a relationship with him anyways..
I'm terrified that when I tell him that, that he'll try to take our kid, or just get nasty about everything..
But right now, the thought of being in any relationship, especially one that I'm not 100% on, is just...it makes me sick, honestly..
I can't keep draining myself trying to be okay and make a relationship work that just isn't going to.. not now, not for a long time, if ever..
Our kid deserves better than that, and so do I..
I've been *extremely* less stressed, anxious, sad, angry, annoyed, etc, ever since we split up..
I feel guilty in a way, because we were together for so long and I love him, but.. It is impossible for me to ignore how much lighter and better I felt, and have felt since, *instantly* after he left..
The entire atmosphere and feeling in the whole house felt lighter and happier..
And the thought of it going back to how it was absolutely terrifies me.
@LuckyApple74 Sounds like your entire being is free! ☀️
@LuckyApple74
It is a dilemma many people face .... many people post about length of relationship or kids etc .... there is no one answer. sometimes it is not worth staying.... love is great and you may always have an affection for him but fighting for something is gone is a never ending battle.
The admission you feel better alone and like a weight has been lifted says a lot. you can rebuild your life and hopefully you can forge a civil friendship so your child is not a pawn .... that may depends on him and why he did what he did. if he takes a bad attitude towards you ... he may be deflecting his guilt or shame.
Did you both have the real communication about what happened and why if you have some closure your relationship could be more civil.
@toughTiger6481
Thank you so much for answering and for your words. They hold a lot of truth and a lot of good points, for sure!..
I'll answer more of it/more in depth in a little bit, but yes, we've talked a lot about everything. And we're very civil and whatnot, the issue is that he wants to get back together/stay, and thinks (despite me saying otherwise, very specifically, many times) that him "fixing himself"/getting better/being at peace with himself/etc, is going to make me want to do so as well.. But, as I said in the parentheses, I've told him that that is not the case, and he says he knows that and understands, yet consistently brings up how "he's doing better and feeling at peace" and all this other stuff...so it just really doesn't feel like he knows, understands, or cares, that it depends on a lot more than him and his supposed well-being..
(Mind you, he also consistently says the exact opposite about himself either soon before or after saying that he's "doing so good"..so..)
Thank you again for reading and answering so thoughtfully!