Online emotional affair Journal
Well, it is 8-6-2025 and my wif is still having an emotional affair online with a man 7000 miles away from us after being married to me for 10 years.
Today our interactions were more normal, she talked to me more and we ran some errands together. We talked about the affair for a couple of hours this morning but she still hasnt made her mind up. Him or me/our family.
Im still devastated, heart break physical pain is real. Chest is tight, i cant sleep (How can she sleep?) This is day 6 of me finding out about it but its been going on for 3 months...i felt dizzy all day for some reason. I want to hang on for longer but its getting harder every day. I love her i miss her. She really is a good woman, a great mom and she used to be an awesome best friend. (What happened?).
I messaged her earlier after she went into her/our room and locked the door. I told her how even though i know ive made mistakes, that she and i both know that i dont deserve this. Im miserable beyond any measure than i ever knew existed. The pain is so much, and so constant. Why am i getting heat flashes? I told her also in the message to please make a choice soon because it is not fair to the unnammed man or myself. I told her that i loved her in a following text message that i love her with all my heart and goodnight.
@Ryan575 im sorry to hear this.. my husband an i did this same thing to each other an it didn't end without a boom.. we separated for a few months we dated others an Idied alone every night in my bed while he was staying at his new lovers house that we both agreed on so we could move on..I realized I loved him more than I even knew an I went threw some real death.. drugs an long lonely nights.. I was reborn in all my torment. 2 months of me learning an becoming something new it was *** but worth every bit of it.. things started to look up we secretly started dating each other again.. I haven't seen him glow like that in 13 years.. I didn't mind being the other girl while he was deciding what to do with his new lover.. after a few weeks of that he moved bk in.. I was 100 healed turns out he wasent to sure.. jumped in to quick. His demons devoured him then me.. someone he's never been before. I rode it out 3 months.. lots of my own blood an sacrifice hoping he'd see me again like I he.. we're at 6 months now an the last 3 months have been better everyday.. trust issues we deal with now but I see him an he sees me now.. he was worth it I just hope he feels the same.. only way to make it is the both of you what it 100.. don't forget to find each other again.. remind each other why yall fill in love spark baby sparks.. start new.. break it all down an rebuild.. from scratch.. point of a storm is to destroy what's not solid an reveal what is.
Thank you for that, it gives me some hope. Im fkn destroyed right now and its getting harder every day...i want the pain to wear off but it relents and i feel so helpless. Its sad really...i would never have done this to her, i just hope she see's me like you said because i see her right now. What hurts the most is that my wife of 10 years has decided to slip me down from the #1 man in her life to the #2 against some guy that she met on a fkn video game...ugh...im tired.
@Ryan575 while she's looking past you take that pain an make it fire.. find you again. Your gonna blow your own mind.. an maybe even hers too.. what you got to lose? Start numbing that pain with your spark.. I found myself an so did he.. I aint say it didn't hurt but it was glorious for me.. I do very much mean I forgot his smile I forgot how different in this world he was I took him for granted.. an im the only e that started all this cause of grief.. I left him behind an got lost.. an if this don't work out between him an I this time around im ok with it.. I see him an im a beast now.. still lil lost in some of the trash I picked up on the way but one day at a time.. But like I said last 3 months has been worth it.. lil more everyday.. an that makes me want to consider getting rid of that extra trash I picked up on the way.. :) Im sorry it's all so heavy but heavy is the crown.. I've said this before only cause it's 💯 truth..
You are strong, yes it does hurt, and it is heavy AF. This whole experience is mentally, physically, and emotionally draining. I told her a couple times already that no matter which way this goes, its going to be undoubtedly the most liberating experience of my entire life. All i know is that if she decides to stay with me and try to start over and rebuild our REAL-ationship, its going to be a rough bumpy road for both of us without question but that if she decides to chose this seemingly perfect online fantasy relationship with elements of raw emotion...my heart will completely shut down to any form of emotional connection with any other person from this point on. I dont see myself ever wanting that kind of connection in my life after this, and that is sad because at this moment i have a lot of love left.
@Ryan575
Sadly I think many people are in similar shoes. When things fall start to fall apart we all look back to what happened very differently. It is hard because an online LDR type thing we only get who that person wants to represent. Some are real some are catfish.
It is dealing with a fantasy, a ghost that has not shown her the parts that may turn her off or set off Red flags. It is hard when asked to chose because a fantasy does not have flaws. it also may feel embarrassing to admit this fantasy is just that or see you were lonely or upset when it started.
What went wrong is different for every situation. Disconnection/ unresolved issues / neglect of interest. There is something she is getting from this interaction. Something she wants or needs if she could articulate it could you fill that need?
Mine was/ is being listened to ... not corrected or told ideas or feelings were silly or stupid. Online friend told i was beautiful as is .........instead of always have a comment about " is that what you are wearing?" or some snide remark. All while spouse claiming and I quote " i love you as much as I always have" ..... to me sounded like "it was never that much"
Spouse always claimed he only meant well....... but for example I was going to dye my hair for a change and get it cut ... but I put it off but since it had been a few days........ So he said "i really like your hair since you did it" .........????? I said "i did not do it yet" ... he was "Oh well i knew you might be *** if I did not say something.... so now you claim you did not do it to make me look bad" then "That makes you happy to be mad at me"
I literally could not make some of the rude / dismissive things up that were done or said to me all while "meaning well or said in LOVE" ....
My friend asked "i thought you were going to do something different with you hair what are you waiting for?" that is a clear difference....
Show her/ not tell her .... understand she can also be who she wants to be with this fantasy. She can leave out the flaws or things she does not like about herself. She has someone who wants to listen to all her stories/ all her dreams. Even if stories are embellished or dreams are unrealistic...... LOOK up limerence it is a big thing in this type thing.
Yes, i can see a lot of things very clearly, and i know now where i missed the target for many years. I was negligent to making efforts with knowing her on levels she needed me to know her on and i failed in that way either because at that time i had no interest in those parts of her or i was too wrapped up with everyday life things to realize that she was craving me to get to know her on those levels (even though she had explicity voiced that to me multiple times) my concerns were placed in the wrong areas of our lifestyle and REAL-ationship and i continue to own that completely. I wasnt seeing her like she needed to be seen at that time. Now, i see her...without a doubt. Id love to see her grow in the ways she needs to now and i have a much clearer idea of what she has needed from me this whole time. I own my shortcomings and my mistakes. Its just really hard to accept that through them, she has accepted this fantasy dream as the answer to her needs. I do not discount that her feelings for this man are real, and possibly his feelings for her are just as real too. However, i feel that she has almost fully committed herself to this man, and I in the end will have rcognized her needs more clearly and made every effort to re-commit to those needs only to find that i will never be able to reach the same levels of understanding her in those ways because this fantasy man has somehow set the bar so high that any effort to met thise needs in the same way are unattainable. I picture the situation if that were to happen being very sad, because at that point...i have let her down again.
@Ryan575
I am proud of you for seeing the big picture.... I think many people make excuses not amends ... many place blame and dismiss their involvement. It takes self awareness .... to see it.
I do not believe all people go to or cross the line of affairs on a whim.... they are lacking something... they feel alone and such before they even entertain it. some might........ but those who are cheated on seldom see how the relationship was right before it happened.
Yes, i can see a lot of things very clearly, and i know now where i missed the target for many years. I was negligent to making efforts with knowing her on levels she needed me to know her on and i failed in that way either because at that time i had no interest in those parts of her or i was too wrapped up with everyday life things to realize that she was craving me to get to know her on those levels (even though she had explicity voiced that to me multiple times) my concerns were placed in the wrong areas of our lifestyle and REAL-ationship and i continue to own that completely. I wasnt seeing her like she needed to be seen at that time. Now, i see her...without a doubt. Id love to see her grow in the ways she needs to now and i have a much clearer idea of what she has needed from me this whole time. I own my shortcomings and my mistakes. Its just really hard to accept that through them, she has accepted this fantasy dream as the answer to her needs. I do not discount that her feelings for this man are real, and possibly his feelings for her are just as real too. However, i feel that she has almost fully committed herself to this man, and I in the end will have rcognized her needs more clearly and made every effort to re-commit to those needs only to find that i will never be able to reach the same levels of understanding her in those ways because this fantasy man has somehow set the bar so high that any effort to met thise needs in the same way are unattainable. I picture the situation if that were to happen being very sad, because at that point...i have let her down again.
@Ryan575
Have you expressed it to her.... told her you see her differently ... you want to like date... put the past/ the BS aside and just be vulnerable with each other....
I know it is almost impossible when we try I have a lot of biting my tongue not to bring up past errors. saying you own it is very positive showing it is harder. I agree when she made a connection and the feelings are real it is hard to just stop. The bar is not as high as you imagine... it could be her hesitancy to try again and be let down both of you have real pain and hurt and counseling may help.
Her refusing therapy is knowing .........if she had to chose and try to make fantasy real it may all fall apart. details and unexpected barriers kill fantasy and daydreams.
Yes, i have covered every subject you named very clearly. I even went as far to ask her to go on a dinner date and to catch the sunset with me (Even though i realized that kind of proposition would probably take place too soon to truly have any kind od lasting impact), she agreed and we went to dinner, my only explicit request was that she put her phone away, and let US just US share these moments together and i promised her that we would talk about normal things and not the situation at hand. Throughout the entirety of our dinner date she had her phone beneath the table with her earbuds in recieving voice memos, or mabe she was on the phone with her the entire time listening to us both interacting for all i know...either way, she made not bringing up the situation we are dealing with impossible. So the topic was broached and she remained in a very defensive posture as she still remains down to this very moment. It crushed me.
@Ryan575
That sucks she would not even meet you half way ..... there is no way to avoid the issue.
Did she want to re-connect or was it just to keep peace. You are the person who deserves an answer and her attention. earbud and phone in lap was an immature and disrespectful thing to do
what do you know about person ? have you contacted directly?
Like I said before she will resist talking and dealing as details matter........... she will not like facing choices. Maybe for your mind frame and to be proactive you make choices assuming she does not want to fix. Divorce is ugly and expensive the more planned out can navigate speed bumps ... I KNOW this is not what you want........ but covering options brings it to forefront that she can not have fantasy and have you wait.
Marriage is a team sport. she is on the bench right now. not helping the team.
Well, something happened last night. I dont have any idea what. She is continuing to keep whatever is going on between them very hidden from me. We ate dinner, she was texting him pretty much the entire time, still distant from me, and once dinner was over...she retreated pretty quickly into the bedroom and locked the door...she had been in the roomfor about an hour and a half, maybe closer to two hours when i went into the bathroom adjacent to the bedroom...when i finished and came out of the bathroom next to the bedroom door. I heard a loud sniffle, after that had caught my attention. I stood outside the bedroom door, not to eavesdrop or anything like that but to see if i heard what i had thought i heard. In a short period of time, i heard 3-4 more sniffles and I knew she was in there crying about something...i still dont know why. Shebstayed in there for about another 2 hours before coming out and acting like everything was fine. I told her what i had heard and asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she said "no not yet" and i assured her that whenever she was ready...i am here..the texting continues today, it doesnt seem to have decreased but i dont know what to think or how to feel again. I just wish this would stop already.
@Ryan575
Perhaps as she told him the way your marriage is headed ...he got cold feet? Online does that a lot. some promise if we meet ... how we can be together ... then as reality hits all sorts of excuses. Have you ever watched Catfish the TV show on MTV. ?
if you leave ... she may talk of travel to him or more like him to her ... then what if he is not what he told her ?
Many talk a big game but details mess it up. Some are fake .. some involved with a spouse/ GF ? Their relationship still intact as has not been caught? maybe other obstacles .... they may continue to text for awhile............... but once a crack in the story or if / when he could NOT travel or other procrastination happen .......................She may see this was a a HUGE mistake. she may not run back as she was so embarrassed if this falls apart. BUT she will know she hurt you for a fantasy.
it is good you have opened the door to be there for her....
@Ryan575 you aint let her down.. your showing up aint ya? Maybe she's the one letting herself down at this point.. I played in bed few nights bk an cried while my hubby sleept.. I've lost it all.. what i once was so bored of.. now I wait for the lil things to come bk around naturally from him while I woller in my truth slowly an silenty losing hope an myself.. but I do realize love has no time.. Just cause im ready now don't mean I can have it.. I keep thinking where is the old he? Why is this not so smooth running anymore an why isint it feeling like it did before.. I know why.. that's gone. I forget to look for the new in us not the old that I so easy tossed around forgetting it was never mine to do so. I remember now tho how lucky I was.. I can only hope this new us is as fulfilling.. if he don't want it as much as I this will never work no matter how many holes I fill in.. ill know an his brokenness will be my everyday torment.. I'd set him free.. as much as I've died an broken id set him free.. an that makes my heart a lil floaty.. sadly.. stay strong my friend your loved by many.. don't forget to look up an see you too
Thank you for your kind support and words. As i sit here this morning watching this show. I see violent tornados and the destruction they are causing on the screen, and i realize that those are real peoples lives being affected in far greater ways than what i am currently going through. I feel terrible for them knowing that, but after that i know that with time, effort, an perseverance. Those families rebuild their lives. As you eluded to, it will never be the same but eventually they get used to their new lives, rebuilt and hopefully stronger than before. My biggest issue right now is that those tornadoes im seeing are an extremely accurate metaphoric representation of my mind, emotions, and relationship as a whole. The total destruction to my house (my mind) and the effects that it has on my relationship with my wife is great. Im doing my best to remain grounded but i fear that the "tornado" might be too strong eventually...i dont know. I love her deeply and i see her mistakes. Im willing to forgive but at what cost to me? Im not sure...i sit...and ill wait.