Open discussion on forms of cheating
For context I recently went through a breakup of a 10 years relationship and I am taking the time to heal. Including cutting all contacts and slowly re-finding and re-defining things we use to do/eat/like as my own. I want to avoid a negative connotation on things I am interested in that happens to also be something my ex was interested in or we made it into a core memory. It hasn't been easy but I know the path is going forward and day by day I see peace in me. Also the increase in sudden "ah ha" moments that I know I am where I need to be in life in the currently.
With that said, the thoughts of cheating still lingers in my healing. A few weeks before we broke up (due to him really giving up on working on us and the inability to make time for us with a lot of other priorities on his plate), I found out he's been messaging someone frequently and confiding his thoughts to her. I just thought it was a coworker or friend but I realized they been talking for a year now and she once asked to date. He declined but never made it clear he was in a relationship despite directly asked if he's single. He said they like to tease each other and they talk in a friendly banter as he shows me their conversations.
It didn't sit well with me. Yes, it not out front physical cheating but he emotionally confided with her. And met up with her for coffee without ever mentioning it to me while he talks about his day. It wasn't flirty texts but it made me lose trust because of the secrecy and the fact he was on his phone more and less present for us when he says he has a lot on his plate.
All in all, we did not break up because he "cheated" in fact we talked it out and he understood why it could be that way for me. I knew trust was broken but it was mendable. The thought of me justififying it wasn't cheating at that time as a protective mechanism is a possibility. Fast forward to the present, I am trying to heal. I am trying to figure out what I am afraid of and open up. Should I come to terms for what it is or did the relationship end because the sum of it all?
Just wanted some open discussion on forms of cheating and how you all work or didn't work it through. Thank you.
@azureIdea6679
Hello,
This could be a bumpy ride asking all about their ideas of cheating.
People label too much anymore IMO... trying to say a one size fits all type thing. We all know basic cheating of a physical nature. I think too many have taken talking/ confiding and being friends even with someone is now considered over some imaginary line ... others are even gone so far as to say looking at photos or video or having personal fantasies as a cheating problem.
Do some think they are the only person their significant others should ever talk/ socialize with again? Can some people really be ALL to another person? If perhaps the partner wants to talk about things that bore a person to tears or a topic we have no knowledge of? Is there any topic you have tried to talk about with partner but they are not interested/ helpful etc?
If that is the case why do so many ( regardless of gender) not there for their partner? If your partner told you he had a female friend he met for coffee with and not secret .... WOULD you have been open to that? What if it was a therapist or counselor he confided things with and he did not share with you, would that secret been treated the same? Some people find a friend or person to have conversations with ( cheaper then counseling) what is the LINE or subject that can Not be shared?
I have shared with a co-worker conversations about his ex and my partner both are recovering alcoholics, we have had similar experiences in dealing with alcohol abuse and we also have other big things in common like losing a parent as a young child. Both items my partner cannot understand or relate to.
I have been physically cheated on by partner ... and I have talked with friends and shared deep emotional conversations. I feel part of getting over any perceived cheating ... is trying to step back and clearly see what the relationship was at the exact moment in time something started. ....too many tell the version where " everything was perfect and then they did this" IMO that is not realistic. If they cannot see the problem... they could not have fixed it.
Relationships are NOT one size fits all. Do we know how our partner really feels all the time? NO. if we do confide in someone else and keep it quiet because we feel partner will not understand is that really a deal breaker... what is the time line on that? if we let partner know we had a conversation in text or verbal must we save all documents or record conversations to prove it was either innocent friendship or other? WHO makes the rules?
Have we ignored or shut out a partner while stressed or depressed or overwhelmed etc and then think all is fine when we are ready to interact again? Did we check in on them when we are "busy " to know they did not feel wanted /appreciated /and felt ignored?
Do we kid ourselves about the changes and growth in each other? So many have differing views on some things and do not speak up to minimize arguments if we discuss those with others is that off limits?
I am NOT implying these questions are for you personally..... but showing there are many facets to these things. I got over cheating when I really understood how a person could find themselves at a point where they consider crossing a line or crossed ... the physical cheat line is clear..... all other is very foggy.
It is a complex conversation with no one size fits all.