Opinions, please....
Give you some information first
My husband and I are both 32. We got together when we were 22. I had just given birth to my youngest daughter who I didn't conceive consensually... He took on the role of being her dad and is her dad.
Before I go on to tell what's going on, I want to answer a question that I feel like will pop up. "Why are you still with him?".
The answer is I have no one. No family (parents expressed never wanting me, sisters told me I was an embarrassment), no friends (I stay so depressed that it's hard to keep a friendship. If I'm not stuck up their ***, it usually ends) nothing. I don't have a support system and I never have.
Sooo.
For 10 years, I can't name a single point in our relationship, other than MAYBE the past year that my husband hasn't cheated. I've never been able to describe the hurt and pain it's caused and because so, I guess it's never really been taken serious....
10 years and every birthday, mother's day, valentines day, Christmas has been "forgotten". My birthday is 1 month after my husband's. And I'm not even materialistic. I have a *** ton of arts and crafts and would have loved anything. It's the thought. The moment in time where you're all that persons thought about. I genuinely don't get that from anyone...
I have had people, his parents, my family call me out of my name, belittle me, and he does nothing. Pulls out his phone I guess to try and mask his embarrassment. I havey body constantly ridiculed. I've had health issues due to losing a lot of weight in a short period of time. He never once stopped his parents from spreading rumors that I was on drugs even though I was seeing a gastroenterologist...
He's not physically or verbally abusive. I've just never really felt loved, cared for, protected. I have 2 jobs while he door dashes occasionally so I'm the provider. But I can't be home in the mornings to put my girls on the school bus and he is. So I'm in a spot where I can't leave this marriage but I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. My temper is so short. I stay in such bad moods. Therapy seems like it's a waste.
I don't know why I wrote this or what I expected to get from it....
I don't know. I just don't know what to do...
@ConnMomma12
You told us your story, but still it is you who knows all the details, it is your life, and you are the only person to decide about it...
But if you might have needed some observer's point of view, I would suggest you answering yourself to some questions:
I feel your life has never been a primrose path. You have probably experienced a painful childhood or other family issues, and trauma. Do you think that your past may make you expect from your life far less than you could expect? Like giving a tacit approval to being mistreated and feeling unimportant...
If this is the case, a therapy wouldn't be a waste of time. But, please, be aware of the fact there might be some little goblin sitting on your shoulder and telling you to choose things which seem bad but familiar over the things which could be good but not familiar to you.
It must be really sad and devastating to you when you experience repeated infidelity 😢 But was it always like that? It is clear that your partner is the perpetrator here, and you are the victim. But might the entire situation be also to some extent entangled into a broken bond between the both of you?
You said you partner is not abusive. It is good and correct. But is it enough to make a good relationship? Sometimes doing nothing while something _should_ be done - like not reacting when his family is offending you - may taste like a kind of indifference, negligence or "revenge".
May I also ask what makes you keep two jobs? Is it a matter of life and death (like mortgage, loans to be redeemed etc), or more about the quality of life? Do you and your partner have some time to spend together, like talking, or watching a movie together, sharing worries and joys? Or do you scarcely see each other?
You know, I have lost at least two of my serious past relationships in similar circumstances... I mean one person spending too much time alone while another run off their feet with double or triple jobs...
At a certain point it might turn into a vicious circle: you are overworked, busy, exhausted, so he must be at home to take care for your daughters; and it may take some wisdom and patience to change the pattern. Maybe to live in healthier and more balanced way, with more emphasis on family and emotional wellbeing?
I was raised to hate myself pretty much. Have always felt like God's cruel joke. Kind of have always wondered if every family has that one family member everyone hates... So I don't expect much from my life.
My 2 jobsakes us bare minimum what we need to get by. The only debt we have is our van. My bills are the basics. But even that is hard to afford living on one income. We spent 4 years running different businesses together. He would always get tired and just quit so we would be in a hard spot that was up to me to get us out of. My 2 jobs is result of that right now and possibly trying to become financially stable enough on my own that he's not needed in that aspect. We have always spent a lot of time together bdcause even though he's done all of that he swears he can't breathe without me ... So I don't have friends, alone time, nothing. 10 years and I have maybe showered alone 15 times.... He can't live without me apparently... We do things he likes, but he's never learned things I like, so I do them alone. I've tried communicating with him but if I say I'd like to spend time with him that doesn't involve his Xbox... Well then I get "I'll just sell the Xbox"..
I've tried to communicate... I know I'm the only one to decide what's happening in my life, but I've not had anyone to talk to for 10 years.. my family will tell me it's my fault. I did something wrong or didn't do enough.. having an outside opinion just seemed like it would be nice... I'm tired of feeling like I'm reaching, like I have no right feelingsl the way I do.. he's a broken record, he loves me, he cares for me, but will not accept that his actions show otherwise. He acts like he's the only man that words should matter just as much as actions.
I didn't answer the infidelity part of your comment because I don't quite understand it. It has been like this since we got together. I was staying with my sister and his first time coming over he sat on the end of my bed arranging a meet up for when he left my house.
My brain isn't understanding the to some extent entangled into a broken bond between us.. could you explain that.
Also I want to go ahead and apologize if I come off as rude with anything I say. That is not my intention!
@ConnMomma12
By saying about infidelity and a broken bond I meant cheating is often the ultimate sign the marriage is not working. But your situation seems to be more complicated.
You are not rude at all. But I think you are terribly mistreated. And maybe there comes a day when you would like to end it? I mean being manipulated, exploited and called names. That could be too much even for a person with a perfectly happy past story.
Did I understand it clearly your partner is not into the working & earning thing at all? Always being eager to have a shower with you but not taking any real responsibilities? Doesn't ridiculing you mean he has his showers alone?
I hate to ask that question, but did you married a man, or a boy? Is he ready to take any adult life burden, or just a teenager, who is adult only in a sexual way? Doing only the things he likes doesn't sound good, too.
Is he your partner you could rely on? Or is he behaving like being your spoiled son?
@ConnMomma12
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. From reading your story it sounds like you need to learn to love yourself and take care of you ...quit taking bad treatment as you deserve more.
This marriage is not working............ no matter if you could work more or be perfect to please everyone it will NOT fix it. When you learn you are worth respect and even acknowledgement your world will improve...
Celebrate you on special occasions. Do not wait for spouse to do something and do not do for them anymore... if they speak up you can say "oh thought we did not do things on b-days etc cause you NEVER have for me"
Stand up for yourself and your children ......and tell him your expectations and boundaries. While I can see you are provider for your children/ girls ...........Think of what you are showing them....kids learn far more observing then words. Would you like then to see your situation as normal. Marriage as a burden you must carry on your shoulders and being used by a uncaring spouse. That unhappy and ignored is what they can expect.
Your health will continue to suffer while over stressed and depressed.. I at one point in life saw 8 different doctors who could not diagnose what i had .......but things were not going well. I changed my life changed a stressful job where i was not respected. Marriage got a makeover as i was not putting up with his issues either. and my boundaries set.... my un-named illness disappeared too.
Therapy would ask you many questions and talk about things ...maybe give you somethings to think about but the change is still in your hands ...like going to a gym you only see benefit if you put in the work yourself.
I have tried. every time I do I get questioned... I gained a lot of weight when my dad died, was 260. I am down to 180 and he's not congratulated me or anything. Granted I didn't do it for him. I started having problems doing things I never had issues with before and didn't like how I looked. Well because I had him, why was I losing weight.. why did I feel the need to try and look better. But that was never noticed. It's to the point I had to basically justify why I was trying to clear my skin up and take care of myself. It made him feel unloved .. when I say something about it he will say he didn't intend for it to be mean or hurt my feelings or anything..
It's mind ***.
Not getting anything at all, saying you feel unloved and having someone basically be like but why? I said I loved you. I said I care.... But out of all of our fights and now us on the verge of a divorce, he won't shed a tear until I point it out.
Which I'll admit I've been toxic too. I have said things I shouldnt have. Gone through his phone. *** I'm not proud of...
But I don't know. And I'm sorry for rambling and probably not making any sense lol
@ConnMomma12
i have been there ... i was depressed and gained weight was unhappy went a bit overboard doing a walking thing did 6 miles a day for over a year straight... I lost 50 pounds and he said " too bad it does not come off in certain areas" Was critical and did not see it was for ME .... i did not care how he felt as i had neighbor stop and congratulate me.
when you talk and even argue try the " I statements" they helped my situation ...saying "I feel you are not supportive of ... ( name item) . or "I feel you may be upset because i am improving my Self care"
They simply cannot argue ..... mine tried saying" i was wrong." .. i told him "i said this is how i feel ... explain how my feelings are wrong" .....
it is a non winnable argument for them ...........we can say many things we have tried to by adding "I feel" in front. i did in small does and in the end my spouse had to rethink and re evaluate their position.
I've tried the I statements. The responses I get are, "well I didn't intend for it to hurt your feelings" it's repeated. He didn't intend for any of his actions to hurt me... But didn't try to stop them.
Now I'm in this situation where I want more for myself, I want to feel loved and cherished but this man has been my best friend, not husband, not what I've needed from a partner, but has been the best friend. But I can't keep friends so my version of being a good friend, I guess just consists of sticking around. Im boring. I don't do anything. I've been so depressed and down my entire life that I don't have likes and interests. Especially if it doesn't involve my girls.
Everyone keeps saying do things for you, do things that make you happy ... Nothing makes me happy anymore. Other than my girls. The thought of trying to learn myself is almost comical.... I don't feel like I'm like other people. Others have wants and desires and they have hopes and dreams and things they want to do. I don't. I don't want to socialize, it's exhausting. I stay home and I clean basically non stop. That's my way of decompressing ...but I don't know if it is or if I've been conditioned to never rest... When I was younger I couldn't sit down and watch a movie and I never had toys. I was always made to clean. I cleaned up after everyone. My kids asked me the other day why I have a hard time sitting down and watching a movie... I guess it's because I've never really been allowed to relax and it's to the point I don't know how to.
